It’s here! It’s coming through the trees!
Inscribe rahirah’s words on tablets of stone, for lo, she didst say but there's no reason to make Riley a wife-beater, Giles a drunk, Willow an evil mastermind, Xander a moron, Spike a malicious idiot, Angel a Neanderthal, Buffy a stone bitch who glories in her bitchness, or whatever., and thus was born ‘Sunnydale Passions’.
This is the fifth episode, featuring special guest star Cave!Angelus. Rating – well, your guess is as good as mine, but there’s no graphic sex (lots of innuendo!) or serious swearing, and so it’s probably PG-13 or whatever they’re calling it these days. 3,000 words.
Previously in Sunnydale Passions: Episode One / Episode Two / Episode Three / Episode Four
The Vampire Strikes Back
Previously on ‘Sunnydale Passions’: Faith woke from her coma, boinked Spike and befriended his pet kangaroo Skippy, and then swapped bodies with Buffy and used her new body to pop Cave!Angel like warm champagne, thereby causing him to lose his soul. Buffy languished in the captivity of the Watchers’ Council wet-work team. Riley came up with a new plan to gain super-human powers, this time involving the creation of a radio-active rabbit.
Confused? You will be, after this episode of ‘Sunnydale Passions’. Now read on …
“Greetings, Angel, renowned Vampire with a Soul. I command a small resistance movement, fighting for truth, justice, and the rights of sentient creatures to pursue their own hopes and dreams without being subjected to imprisonment, torture, and mind control. Will you join us?” Adam smiled and extended his hand to Angelus.
“Me smash! Me bash!” Angelus raised his club and brought it down in a mighty blow to Adam’s head.
Adam’s smile faltered. “I’ll take that as a ‘no’, then.”
“Set-up stage successful, squire,” Spike said. “Scared seven shades of shit out of Montgomery Burns, and Xander is back in charge of the reactor starting tomorrow.”
“Fantastic!” Riley beamed.
“Only, there’s a bit of a flaw in your plan, guv,” Spike went on. “This here rabbit is a doe.”
“Doe? A deer? A female deer?” Riley was perplexed.
Spike raised his eyes to the heavens. “Nah, you dozy git. A female rabbit. We need a buck.”
“Okay, I’ll get you one,” Riley said. “What shall we do with this one?”
“I’ll keep it,” Spike said. “Got a bit of a cunning plan of my own, to do with rabbit pie, and for that I need the doe.”
The doorbell rang and Joyce sashayed eagerly towards the door. Which of her admirers was it this time?
Her face fell slightly when she opened the door and was confronted by seven men in plain brown cassocks. “Can I help you?” she said politely.
“I hope so, Mrs. Summers,” the leading monk said. “My name is Václav, and I am Abbot of the Monks of Prague. It is our ordained task to guard a great treasure, and it is prophesized that for it to remain safe we must send it to you in the form of a second daughter. We had thought to create the child out of energy and send her to you fully formed, magically changing everyone’s memories to account for her, and thus put her under the protection of your daughter the Slayer. However, our agents brought us pictures of you, and when we saw them we thought, well, sometimes the old-fashioned ways are the best.”
Joyce raised her eyebrows. “Well! I’m … flattered, I suppose, but I’m not sure …”
The Abbot clapped his hands. “Brothers, the gifts!”
The monks stepped forward one after the other. “For you, beautiful lady,” the first said, presenting Joyce with a bunch of flowers. The next gave her a crate of Pilsner Urquell beer. A third monk produced a black velvet cushion on which nestled a diamond necklace.
Joyce’s eyebrows rose. She looked at the necklace, and then cast her eyes over the monks. They were clean, presentable, and all looked reasonably fit. The Abbot was particularly handsome in a distinguished way. “Well,” she said, “I suppose I might be … persuaded. Should we discuss this over dinner?”
“Yo, Council guys, how goes it?” Faith greeted.
“What are you doing here, Miss Summers?” Collins asked suspiciously.
“Hey, just wanna jeer at Faith, you dig?” Faith explained. “Taunt her some, maybe do some mocking, gloat a little.”
Smith shook his head. “She might be a renegade, but she’s still a Slayer, and I think she is entitled to at least a modicum of respect,”
“Nah, mock her as much as you like, luv,” Weatherby put in.
“I think you are entitled to do a little mocking,” Collins decided. “Perhaps a small amount of taunting, and three jeers.”
“Yo, that would be wicked cool,” Faith smiled. “Hey, is she securely chained up?”
“Of course,” Collins assured her. “Mystically enhanced chains, strong padlocks, and I have the only keys right here in my pocket.”
“Cool!” Faith said, and knocked him out.
“I still think that we should have made the Key into a walrus,” Brother Jaroslav grumbled.
“Will you shut up about walruses?” Brother Miroslav snapped.
“Both of you, stop bickering!” Abbot Václav commanded. “More champagne, Mrs. Summers?”
Joyce batted her eyelashes at him. “Thank you, that would be nice. And do call me Joyce, you handsome man.”
Angelus drained the last drop of blood from his victim and tossed her body aside. “Why you no drink?” he growled at Harmony.
“Hey, that was Amber,” Harmony pouted. “She was in my class at school. She was pretty cool. I liked her. Couldn’t we, you know, eat strangers? Or nerds? Nobody would care about nerds. I don’t want to eat people I like. Or, hey, what about those soldier guys who caught Spikey? That would kinda serve them right.”
“Harmony soft,” Angelus sneered. “Vampires evil. Eat good humans. Eat weak humans. Kill, main, torture, bash.”
“Okay, we’ve got to drink people’s blood, yeah, but there’s no need to be nasty about it,” Harmony said.
“Foolish woman!” Angelus snapped. He smote her with his club. “Obey me! Kill humans. Torment Slayer, drive her mad.”
“Ow!” Harmony moaned, rubbing her head. “I don’t think making Buffy mad is a good idea at all. And killing Amber wasn’t nice. I want Angel back.”
“Angel dead,” Angelus proclaimed. “Soul gone.”
“That’s kind of a shame,” Harmony lamented. “I just don’t get rap and hip-hop. Give me Jackie Wilson over Tupac Shakur any day. Hey, how come Tupac keeps releasing records when he’s dead, anyway? Did he get vamped?”
Angelus frowned. “Me no understand. Who Tupac? Who Jackie Wilson? Fat Scottish man who play darts?”
“Huh? Don’t you know Jackie Wilson? ‘Your love, keeps on, lifting me higher and higher …’ It was in Ghostbusters Two, they played it to get the Statue of Liberty to come to life, remember?”
“Grrr!” Angelus snarled. “Ghostbusters bad. Angelus smash Ghostbusters, free ghosts.”
“B-but that would be bad,” Harmony quavered.
“Angelus bad,” he pointed out with irrefutable logic. “Ugh! Ghostbusters in New York. Long way. Kill Scoobies first.”
Harmony smiled and clapped her hands. “Great idea, boss,” she agreed. “Yeah! Can I kill Scrappy-Doo? He so totally ruined that show.”
“What are you doing here, Faith?” Buffy demanded.
“I’ve come to get you out of here, and to let you have your own body back, B,” Faith told her. She unfastened the padlock, pulled the chains almost free, and then caught Buffy’s hand. “Time for the old switcheroo.”
The device flashed blue. Buffy’s vision blurred for a moment. When it cleared she was looking at Faith’s body. “I’m me!” she exclaimed, as Faith pulled herself free of the chains. “Not so fast, bitch!” Buffy snapped. “You’re going back in those chains.”
The dark Slayer stood up and jumped away. “Don’t think so, B,” she said.
Buffy leaped after Faith, but something brought her to a halt and sent her crashing to the floor.
“Whassamatter, B, you fell over?” Faith taunted. “I ain’t dumb, sister. You can’t catch me. Before I did the swap I tied the laces of my sneakers together.”
Joyce came down the stairs wearing her filmy peignoir over a lacy dark green bustier, matching thong, and stockings. “Well, boys, what do you think?” she asked.
“You are truly beautiful, Joyce,” Abbot Václav told her, advancing to take her in his arms.
“Still think we should have made the Key a walrus?” Brother Miroslav challenged Brother Jaroslav.
Brother Jaroslav wiped drool off his chin. “You were right, Brother, the fringe benefits are indeed better than anything that we could get from a walrus.”
“It was totally gross,” Buffy related to Willow. “I walked into the house to get cleaned up and get some nice shoes, ‘cause sneakers, so not right with this dress, and there were all cassocks on the floor and the chairs and there was Mom, on the couch, and she was – eww! – having hot monk-y sex.”
“Come on and hop, hop, come and do the kangaroo hop …” Spike sang as he bounced across the cemetery beside Skippy. Suddenly he sensed that he was being watched and he changed his gait to a run. He abandoned the song and instead began to snarl “Come back here so that I can eat you, you marsupial, ‘cos I’m an evil bloodsucker. Creature of the night, know wot I mean, guv?”
“Drop it, Spike,” Faith said, emerging from the shadows. “No need for the act with me.”
Skippy chittered and bounced eagerly over to the rogue Slayer. Faith laughed as the kangaroo embraced her and licked her face. “Yo, Skippy, miss me, didya?” She scratched under his chin and he nuzzled up at her. “Hey, I got you cookies. Want some?”
Spike stared at her in amazement. “Bloody hell! The other night in the Bronze. That was you!”
“Sure was, Blondie. Skippy could tell, how come you couldn’t?”
“The different body threw me right off, pet,” Spike admitted. “Dunno how Skippy could tell. Bloody smart for a kangaroo, in’t he?”
“Sure is,” Faith agreed. Skippy had his nose in her pocket and was searching out the cookies. “Hey, you sure look like you’re glad to see me!”
“Yeah, pet, I am,” Spike confirmed, “although that really is a bottle of Jack Daniels in my pocket.”
“M-m-maybe your m-mother is having a m-m-mid-life crisis,” Tara suggested.
Buffy glared at her. “Hello, talking to my best friend here, don’t need to be interrupted by a stammering half-wit with m-m-m-mousy hair.”
Tara’s lip trembled. “B-b-but I thought you liked m-m-me?”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Why would you think that? You’re sleeping with Willow, so you get to trail around after us, that’s all. Now just shut up and try to look decorative. If that’s even possible in those thrift shop clothes.”
Tara nodded mutely and sat in silence, tears trickling down her face, while Buffy and Willow chatted for twenty minutes. Eventually Buffy left.
“Buffy w-w-was really m-m-mean,” Tara complained to Willow. “And her aura w-w-was all wrong. I d-d-don’t think that she w-w-was herself.”
“Of course she was herself, dummy,” Willow told her. “That wasn’t Buffy that you met before, that was Faith in Buffy’s body. They swapped, and now they’ve swapped back. I thought that Buffy was acting kinda weird last time, and that’s why.”
“So it w-w-was Faith who w-was nice?” Tara frowned.
“Goddess, how did you ever get into college in the first place? Yeah. Want me to spell it out in words of one syllable?”
“And now you’re b-being m-mean to m-m-me too,” Tara said sadly.
“Hey, why not? It’s not like you matter,” Willow said carelessly. “I’m only with you for the sex. Apart from that I don’t even like you.” She gestured magically as Tara, predictably, burst into tears. “Forget.” Willow walked off after Buffy, leaving Tara standing alone, and didn’t look back. Had she done so she would have seen that Tara was still crying. The spell had failed to work.
Willow had forgotten to use the Lethe’s Bramble.
“Yeah, it’s cool having the super-powers,” Parker said, “but there is a down side.”
“How so?” asked the beautiful naked blonde who was lying in the bed beside him. She trailed her fingers down his chest to his belly. “I would have thought it would all be up. Yeah, definitely looks pretty up to me.” She nuzzled against his neck and licked his ear.
“Sure, but it’s just this one thing. Since I got the spider strength and the webs and became Arachno-man, I’ve kept getting these panic attacks. Like I’m nervous with girls, ‘cause I get this feeling that they’ll eat me after mating.”
The girl’s mouth moved from his ear to his throat. “Funny you should say that,” Harmony said. Her fangs extended.
“Angel? This is a surprise,” Giles greeted the vampire. “What brings you to Sunnydale? What would you like to drink?”
“You!” Angelus growled, and sprang. His fangs sank into the Watcher’s jugular.
Faith lit a cigarette and passed it to Spike, and then lit another one for herself. “Hot damn, that was wicked good,” she said. “Totally awesome.”
“Damn right, pet,” Spike agreed. “Bring out the best in me, you do.”
“Speaking of which, how come you hang round here playing dumb tricks on people? You’re better than that, Spike.”
“Only bloody fun I get these days, luv,” Spike explained. “Can’t do the carnage and bloodshed thing, ‘cos of this chip in my head. Tricking the Watcher into drinking piss and trapping Captain Cardboard in a giant fly costume, that sort of thing, is the closest I can get. Keeps me amused, y’know?”
“You tricked Giles into drinking piss? Wicked!” Faith laughed until she choked on cigarette smoke and had a bout of coughing.
“Not hard,” Spike said dismissively. “Drink anything the right color these days, he will. Brightened my day up, but it doesn’t compare to ripping out throats.”
“Hey, I’m badder than you these days,” Faith told him. “I set loose Angelus, didn’t I?”
“You what?” Spike recoiled from Faith, his eyebrows shooting upwards.
“Came onto Angel while I was B, screwed his brains out, and screwed his soul out while I was at it,” Faith explained. “That’s my revenge on B for putting me in a coma. Angelus will make her life hell, right?”
“Bugger!” Spike swore. He threw his cigarette to the floor. “Shouldn’t have done that, girl. Don’t care that much what he does to the Slayer – the other Slayer – but suppose he goes after Joyce? Or Harris? Couldn’t manage without the Whelp; nobody else is stupid enough to fall for all my schemes. Plus, Peaches hates me, might do something to Skippy to get at me.”
“Damn! I didn’t think of that,” Faith admitted. “Sorry, Spike. Kiss and make up?”
“Gonna take more than a kiss to get around me for this, luv,” Spike told her. “Got to do something to fix this. Hate to say it, but we need to get the pillock his soul back.”
“Or stake him?” Faith suggested.
Spike smiled. “Now that’s an idea I like.”
“Ug!” Angelus grunted. “Blood taste funny.”
“I’ll have you know it’s the finest blood to come out of Bath,” Giles protested, aggrieved.
“Why you keep blood in bath?” Angelus grunted. “Ug. Me want sing. ‘Her eyes they shone like – ug – shiny stone things, I thought her the best in the land. Her hair it hung over her shoulders, tied up with a black velvet band …”
“Dear Lord,” Giles groaned. “The Dubliners. You’ve lost your soul. Only the alcohol in my blood-stream has saved me from a hideous fate.”
“Her name it Lola, she was um showgirl, but that was – ug – six hands years ago, when they used to have um show …” Angelus sang.
Giles groaned again and clamped his hands over his ears. “Although possibly a bloody death would have been a somewhat less hideous fate than this.”
“S-S-Spike?” The voice was soft and hesitant, the knock at the door tentative.
“Who the hell’s that?” Spike wondered. He looked at the kangaroo. Skippy sat up and his ears twitched, and then he hopped towards the door, chittering happily. “Can’t be an enemy,” Spike decided. “Hang on, give me a chance to get my kit on,” he called to whoever was at the door, and he pulled on his jeans.
Faith scrambled for her clothes and began to dress hastily. “Guess I’d better hide,” she said.
Skippy grabbed the door handle in his paws and pulled it wide open, revealing a mousy blonde girl in a peasant blouse and a long skirt. “Aaah, you are so cute,” Tara greeted Skippy, and then she raised her eyes and saw the occupants of the crypt.
“Uh, so much for hiding,” Faith said. “Oops.”
“Tara, innit?” Spike asked the visitor. “What do you want, pet?”
Tara didn’t answer straight away. “Faith?”
“Yeah, that’s me,” Faith admitted. “Guess I’m busted.”
“Hi,” Tara said. “W-w-we met at the B-bronze, remember?”
“Guess B told you about the body swap? Sure I remember, girl. It was nice meeting you ‘cause Willow is one wicked bitch, and not in the good way, and you being there gave me a breather, helped me hold back from smacking Willow one in the teeth.”
“Willow’s evil,” Tara announced. “That’s w-why I’m here. I thought Spike c-c-could m-maybe help me hide from her. I’m k-kinda scared.”
“Red’s evil?” Spike bit his lip and frowned. “Could be right, love. I wondered, when she went into all the leather and that. Knew there was something about her I liked.” Faith glared at him and gave him a nudge with her elbow. “Like you better, though, Tara pet,” Spike added hastily. “Glad to help you hide out if I can.”
“Hey,” Faith said. “Maybe we’ve got the answer to our other problem right here. Maybe Tara could put Angel’s soul back?”
Tara frowned uncertainly. “I d-don’t know. W-W-W-Willow is the one for that kinda thing. B-b-but I could try t-to find her spellbook. She’s gone out t-tonight, somewhere secret that she’d never tell m-me about. W-we could go back to the room and get it.”
“Somewhere secret?” Spike asked. “Think she’s up to some evil plan?”
“So, still no progress with recovering the malfunctioning ADAM unit?”
“No, ma’am,” Colonel Havilland admitted. “Adam continues to elude our patrols.”
“Oh, poot!” the Initiative’s secret boss grumbled. “Step up the effort. Send out more patrols. I need that unit back so that we can re-use the power unit and circuitry. The tests were all successful, apart from it going off on its own crazy crusade, and that won’t be a problem with the final stage, when everything is used to upgrade me. Then, hey, I’ll crush my enemies, destroy everyone who ever annoyed me, get rich, maybe become President even. Nothing will be able to stand before the might of Willow RosenBorg.”
Continued in Episode Six; Return of the Dead Guy
The characters in this story do not belong to me, but are being used for amusement only and all rights remain with Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the writers of the original episodes, and the TV and production companies responsible for the original television shows. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ©2002 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All Rights Reserved. The Buffy the Vampire Slayer trademark is used without express permission from Fox.
ETA: I was just reading sharelle's LJ, and she mentioned that she'd been nominated in two categories at the Raison d'Étre Awards. I went to the Nominees list to see what opposition her superb story faces, and - to my astonishment - saw that "Savage Beauty" is nominated there in the Best AU/Fantasy category. I haven't had any notification and had no idea that I'd been nominated.
ETA 2: As of 14th September the Raison d'Etre Awards have been closed down.