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Noggin Chapter 3 - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
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speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
Noggin Chapter 3
Here is Chapter Three of my AtS/The Saga of Noggin the Nog crossover. The Noggin link now leads to a diffenent Noggin site, the official one, with more colour pictures.


Noggin and the Vampire


Chapter Three


Listen, and I shall tell you more of the tale of Noggin and the vampire.

I have told you how Thor Nogson, Captain of the Guard, found a stranger washed up on the beach and took the stranger to Noggin, King of the Nogs. You have heard it told that the stranger was Spike the vampire, magically exiled to the Northlands far from his home. I have told you how Noggin and his beautiful queen Nooka had pig’s blood brought for the vampire, and how they listened to his tale. You have heard how Graculus, the great green bird, arrived and reported that one of the Nogs was dead at the edge of the forest, the blood drained from his body, two holes in his neck, and that he suspected that it was the work of a vampire. I have told you how Noggin had Spike the vampire imprisoned in a cell, and how Knut, Prince of the Nogs, set Spike free from imprisonment and led him out of the palace; and how Thor Nogson discovered the escape and led the townsfolk in pursuit of the vampire.

Now listen as I tell you what happened next.



Spike sniffed his way through the forest, following a faint trail of Chanel Number Five. He wasn’t fond of trees; they had far too high a wood content for his taste, too much like large blunt stakes; and not always blunt at that. His coat had dried with large white stains on it from the salt water, and he felt all too much like a giant panda as he crept through the woods. “Haven’t had a shag in so long that there’s another parallel,” he muttered to himself as he walked.

At last he emerged from the trees into the open and saw, ahead of him, a rocky crag topped by a sinister black castle. He shook his head. “Nah,” he said sceptically. “Can’t be that bloody easy, can it?” He advanced cautiously towards the building.



“I can’t understand how he got out,” Thor Nogson said, shaking his head. “The keys are still hanging up on the hook on the wall.”

“Perhaps he turned into mist and oozed out through the bars,” suggested Graculus, the great green bird.

“Can vampires do that?” asked Noggin. “Oh dear. That’s going to make keeping him in prison rather hard.”

“Or perhaps he turned into a bat,” Graculus went on.

“That’s silly,” said Thor Nogson, Captain of the Guard. “If he could turn into a bat then he would have flown away rather than run through the town.”

“It’s not easy to fly at night,” Graculus pointed out.

“It is if you’re a bat,” Thor Nogson riposted.

“If he flew out,” Noggin said, “then why did he bother to unlock the door? Thor Nogson, are you quite sure that you locked the door behind you after you took him his meal of blood?”

“I think so,” Thor Nogson said, looking worried. “Yes, I’m quite sure I did. I think.”

Graculus looked at Thor Nogson with beady eyes. “Perhaps you didn’t,” he croaked.

“Oh no, I’m sure I did,” Thor Nogson stated firmly, avoiding Graculus’ gaze. “We must hunt for him.”

“You must lead a search of the woods in the morning, Thor Nogson,” ordered Noggin, King of the Nogs. “How do you kill a vampire?”

“I’m not sure,” Thor Nogson confessed.

“I think you have to drive a stake of wood through his heart,” Graculus, the wise Royal bird of the Nogs, declared.

“That sounds horribly messy,” said Thor Nogson worriedly.

“Apparently the vampire turns to dust when you do it,” Graculus reassured him.

“Tradition says that it is a job normally performed by young girls,” put in Nooka, Queen of the Nogs.

Thor Nogson opened his mouth to say that she must be wrong, but remembered that she was the Queen and closed his mouth again.

“Oh dear. I don’t know if there are any young girls among the Nogs who would be able to do that,” Noggin said. “He did look very fierce. I think we’d better leave it to the brave Thor Nogson.”

“Thank you, Noggin,” Thor Nogson said gratefully. He didn’t think that driving wooden stakes through the hearts of vampires was a very suitable occupation for young girls. “I’ll take the Royal Guard out to search the woods tomorrow.”



Spike approached the castle warily. As he drew closer he could see that it was extremely dilapidated. The battlements were crumbling and some of the turrets seemed to be on the verge of falling down. All the stones were heavily streaked with bird droppings.

The castle door was dirty, and slightly warped, but still remarkably solid. Massive slabs of timber bound with iron. Spike’s attempt to force it open was futile. “Bugger,” he swore softly. “This doesn’t look the sort of place where knocking would be a good idea.” He scrambled over the rocky crag on which the castle stood, working his way around the building, but could find no other entrance. There were windows, most of which were mere arrow slits, but a couple looked large enough to admit him. "Hope this counts as a public place," he muttered, and then he spat on his hands and began to climb the crumbling walls.



Noggin and Nooka had returned to their bedchamber and got back into the royal bed. “Tomorrow,” Nooka said, as they settled down to go back to sleep, “I must visit the grieving relatives and comfort them.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that,” Noggin said. “They’re not really grieving.”

“Not grieving?” Nooka exclaimed, sitting up in bed. “Why not?”

“They thought he was dead anyway,” Noggin explained. “The dead man was Leif the Lusty, who left the Northlands long ago; at the time that my wicked uncle Nogbad the Bad was exiled from the Land of the Nogs. No-one had seen or heard from him since. Everyone thought he’d either died or gone to live with Nogbad in Finland.”

“And he returned just in time to be eaten by a vampire? How strange.”

“So it seems,” Noggin said. “Now, my beautiful Nooka, Queen of the Nogs, go back to sleep.” He looked at his beautiful wife, still sitting up in bed, and said, “Unless …?”

Nooka smiled. “Dear Noggin,” she said, and kissed her husband Noggin, King of the Nogs. Fifty-three minutes later they were both fast asleep.



It seemed that the castle did count as a public place as there was no invisible barrier to prevent Spike's entrance. He climbed in through the window and found himself in a filthy room full of straw, bird droppings, and crows. Scores of crows. They awoke as he stepped in among them and began to caw loudly and peck at his ankles. He fled the room with alacrity and found himself on a balcony, looking down at a large hall.

There were two figures in the hall, and they were looking up at him. The crows had spoiled any possibility of him taking the castle’s occupants by surprise. One was a smallish man in a cloak and a horned helmet. He had a big nose and a thick black moustache that bristled out at the sides. He stared at Spike with an evil glint in his beady eyes.

The other was a girl with long blonde hair and a trim figure. She wore a white blouse and a pink skirt and jacket set, as out of place in this setting as was Spike’s T-shirt and jeans. Her pretty face lit up as she saw him. “Blondie Bear!” she squealed in delight.

“Hello, Harm,” Spike greeted her without enthusiasm. “You’ve been a bad girl.”

Harmony rolled her eyes. “Well duh! Evil soulless thing here. Angel said so.”

“Who is this intruder?” the man demanded. “Do you know him, Harmony Kendallsdottir?”

“Harmony Kendallsdottir?” Spike repeated, raising his eyebrows at Harmony. He saw a flight of stone steps leading down from the balcony and he began to descend them.

“Well, Vikings here, just trying to fit in,” Harmony replied. “I saw this TV show about Iceland once. It had Bjork in it.” She tossed her head. “This is Spike. My lame ex-boyfriend,” she explained to the dark Nog.

“He walks perfectly normally,” the Nog said, frowning.

Harmony frowned back, and then decided to ignore the comment. “Spike, this is my new boss. Nogbad the Bad. He’s, like, the rightful king of this little burg, only his devious little nephew got him thrown from the throne. Hey, that’s like poetry.” She beamed at Spike.

“Yeah, sodding effulgent of you,” Spike muttered. He raised his voice. “So how come you ended up here then?”

“Angel gave me this totally cool résumé,” Harmony explained. “He said I was like super-efficient and would make an ideal Personal Assistant for any evil mastermind. So I put it straight up on Wolfram and Hart’s hyper-dimensional web page. Lucky I did it right away, the whole system went down an hour later, but Nogbad had already seen it and he sent a portal for me.”

“Sent a portal for you?” Spike had been advancing towards the pair, but stopped in his tracks. “Does that mean he could send us back?”

“Perhaps,” Nogbad said. “But if you want me to return you to your own land, you will have to perform a service for me first.”

“What sort of service?” Spike asked, giving Nogbad a hard stare.

“That depends,” replied Nogbad the Bad. “Are you, like my beautiful new assistant, also a vampire?”


Continued in CHAPTER FOUR



The characters in this story do not belong to me, but are being used for amusement only and all rights remain with Peter Firmin, Oliver Postgate, Smallfilms, Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the writers of the original episodes, and the TV and production companies responsible for the original television shows. ANGEL ©2001 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All Rights Reserved. The ANGEL trademark is used without express permission from Fox.

Tags: ,
Current Mood: creative creative
Current Music: Noggin the Nog on VHS

29 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
zyrya From: zyrya Date: February 21st, 2005 03:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
Harmony Kendallsdottir! I love it! You always write a delicious Harm.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 21st, 2005 11:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
pfeifferpack From: pfeifferpack Date: February 21st, 2005 04:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
What a complete delight. Also, what a perfect place for Harmony to have landed!! Please continue this and also any other crossover you may choose! I love your storytelling (My husband, Jim, to whom I am reading this aloud, said he could hear Andrew as the narrator...see what happens when you have never seen the real thing!)

Kathleen
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 21st, 2005 11:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm being read aloud! Squeee!
pfeifferpack From: pfeifferpack Date: February 22nd, 2005 01:37 am (UTC) (Link)
My dear, I print out and read to Jim all of, and ONLY, the best Fanfic! He loves it as much as I do. I screen the stories, cull the best, print and read. He's a fan of your stories, as am I. You are not only read aloud, but printed, bound and illustrated (take that!).

Kathleen
makd From: makd Date: February 21st, 2005 04:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
hahahahaha! Wonderful. delightful. (I so know who wears Chanel #5!)

Harmony Kendallsdottir. Wonderful, just wonderful.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 21st, 2005 11:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! Glad you're still liking it.
sanda56 From: sanda56 Date: February 21st, 2005 05:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh dear! Things don't look good for our hero do they? Not if he's going to remain a "good vampire", that is. There again, I always think that Spike and Harmony make a lovely couple! Also he was starting to feel like a giant panda for lack of sex...

Gripping read! :D
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 21st, 2005 11:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
When I started this I hadn't expected anyone to describe it as a 'gripping read'. Yay! Go me!
sanda56 From: sanda56 Date: February 21st, 2005 11:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
I hadn't expected anyone to describe it as a 'gripping read'. Yay! Go me!

Stop patting yourself on the back and go write some more! ;)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 22nd, 2005 12:01 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm writing Chapter Four at this very moment.
sanda56 From: sanda56 Date: February 22nd, 2005 12:17 am (UTC) (Link)
Good! I shall put the whip away - for now! :P
quinara From: quinara Date: February 21st, 2005 05:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
Still completely wonderful, as was the last chapter.

But, *gasp*, what's this? Nooka smiled. “Dear Noggin,” she said, and kissed her husband Noggin, King of the Nogs... A consumate relationship in (something spawned from) children's television? How perfectly shocking.

(Yes, I'm ignoring Spike's constant swearing for the moment.)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 21st, 2005 10:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
The very existence of Prince Knut proves that Noggin and Nooka must have had some nookie.

I couldn't resist a fade-to-black shag for them; if only to stop curiouswombat carrying out her threat to write Noggin/Thor Nogson slash.
quinara From: quinara Date: February 22nd, 2005 04:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
But you see, little people know that adults have children - they just don't know that it involves fading to black. You are a corruptor.

*snorts**shivers* I think I can live then.
violethamster From: violethamster Date: February 21st, 2005 06:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm enjoying this, even though I've never seen this show. Very fun and lots of giggles.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 21st, 2005 11:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you. Glad you're enjoying it even without having seen the show.
gamiila From: gamiila Date: February 21st, 2005 07:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
“What sort of service?” Spike asked, giving Nogbad a hard stare.

“That depends,” replied Nogbad the Bad.


Oh no! Don't let our Spike sell his soul to the evil Nogbad the Bad!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 21st, 2005 11:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
Nogbad wouldn't want his soul. He's only interested in the Crown of the Northlands. And loads of gold and jewels. And power. Possibly world domination.
gamiila From: gamiila Date: February 22nd, 2005 07:47 am (UTC) (Link)
Hmmm. Sounds like my kind of guy, then.
enigmaticblues From: enigmaticblues Date: February 21st, 2005 10:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
I have to say that this story is really rather perfect.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 21st, 2005 11:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oooh, thank you!
desdemonaspace From: desdemonaspace Date: February 21st, 2005 11:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
I can't believe I'm still reading this (never having seen Noggin the Nog.) But I'd read you, dear Speaker, if you wrote Spike/Barney Google crossovers. Which you must promise never to do!

Very glad to see Harm once more. You are a dab hand at Harm. Greatly enjoying this.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 21st, 2005 11:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'd never heard of Barney Google, so I Googled for it. Don't worry, having seen it I definitely won't ever write anything involving it.

But a Spike/Beverly Hillbillies might not be entirely out of the question one day. Once I finish this one, my existing WIPs, Lithium, The Immigrant Song, and my crossover of Spike with Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, that is.
waywardchilde From: waywardchilde Date: February 22nd, 2005 12:00 am (UTC) (Link)
These nogs both scare and intrigued me. Story's funny, only you could write such a crossover, anyone else would of failed where you once again succeed. So these nogs are a British tv show for children in the sixties?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 22nd, 2005 12:05 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks. Yes, "The Saga of Noggin the Nog" is a BBC TV children's show that ran from 1961 to 1968, although it was repeated in the 80s. Gentle, harmless, but with a strong undercurrent of deadpan humour for the adult audience.
waywardchilde From: waywardchilde Date: February 22nd, 2005 12:31 am (UTC) (Link)
Yes, "The Saga of Noggin the Nog" is a BBC TV children's show that ran from 1961 to 1968, although it was repeated in the 80s. Gentle, harmless, but with a strong undercurrent of deadpan humour for the adult audience.

Just another reason why, I wish I was both British and born in the sixties. That and going to a Clash concert, and a Pink Floyd concert, and a Queen concert. *sighs*
From: (Anonymous) Date: February 22nd, 2005 01:44 am (UTC) (Link)
This is such a joy! I discovered it today, and had to devour all three chapters AT ONCE. Great fun, this. I was especially glad to see Nogbad the Bad turning up in chapter 3 ... I adore that bad, bad man.

(Actually, to go off on a tangent, I always thought Nogbad rather resembled Jeremy Paxman. Separated at birth! Except for the moustache, of course. Which he probably didn't have at birth, either. But I digress.)

Hey, do you know of any crossovers between Buffy/Angel and The Clangers? I'd like to see Tiny Clanger befriending Spike. And he could totally survive on their world because, you know, no atmosphere = no problem for Blondie Bear.

Julia the Anonymous
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 22nd, 2005 01:47 am (UTC) (Link)
Glad you like it. Chapter four will probably be up in about 45 minutes.

Re your other crossover question; all I have to say is, you ain't seen nuthin' yet.
29 comments or speak 2 me