Speaker-to-Customers (speakr2customrs) wrote,


France - she was trying to be Adele and failing.

Lithuania - another one who has just discovered Runrig circa 1989. But what the hell is with his shoe obsession?

Moldova - the song is tedious and their contestant seems to have employed Marge Simpson's hairdresser. But mainly it's all about the ever-expanding, blazing, frock.

As a straight, non-Muslim, male I'm obviously not offended by the two girls kissing in the Finnish song - I still hated it.

The Spanish song (another 'oh look, we've just discovered Runrig' one) was great until the girl (Fernando Alonso's ex-wife, apparently) opened her mouth.

The Belgian one is very slick - and having it performed by a bush-baby has to give them a chance of pulling in the 'squee!' vote.

The Estonian song sets new standards for tedium.

Belarus - the President of Europe's last dictatorship meddles in their selection. It would seem he's a big fan of long-legged blondes and he thinks that musically it is still 1974.

The Maltese song could have been written by Jonathan Coulton (although, alas, there are no zombies). Quite good in a quirky way. Certainly a million times as good as anything Malta has done before.

Russia - insipid. The Wombat decided it was a good time to take a bathroom break.

Germany - tedious formulaic Euro-dance which apparently plagiarises last year's winning song. Although all that stuff sounds the same anyway so I don't know how anyone could tell. And of course anyone in Greece or Cyprus who votes for it will immediately be taken out and shot.

Armenia's rock power ballad is very decent, of its type, but it belongs on a Scorpions album around 1989.

The Netherlands - sounds as if Leonard Cohen, Nick Cave, Eeyore, and Marvin the Paranoid Android got together and wrote a song for Lana Del Rey. Don't listen to it if you have suicidal tendencies.

The Romanian entry, performed by an opera-singing vampire David Beckham, pushes the expression 'over the top' to new and hitherto unsuspected heights.

Bonnie Tyler is, of course, famous as an Internet satnav which is not recommended for use in France. It's the best thing the UK has entered in a decade - but it's still mediocre.

The Swedish song could be mistaken for something by Take That or one of One Direction's better numbers.

The Hungarian song is by far my favourite. A genuinely contemporary, beautiful, song. But too subdued to win Eurovision.

Unlike Denmark, which is probably my second favourite. A barefoot Power Pixie backed by drummers giving it everything - what's not to love?

The Wombat likes the Icelandic entry because it is sung by Éomer. I think it rips off 'Hallelujah' and those numbers on Runrig albums that I program my MP3 player to skip past.

Azerbaijan is just - weird. Or, at least, the presentation is; the song itself is instantly forgettable even when it's still going on.

Greece - a good time to empty the washing machine. There are no words sufficiently condemnatory to describe this song. I no longer have any sympathy for Greece's economic woes; after this they deserve everything they get.

The Ukraine don't make the best use of their giant. And the song is dire.

Italy don't seem to want to win. They have recruited their biggest pop-star (although that's pretty much equivalent of the biggest ice-hockey team in Namibia) and then dressed him in a suit that blends into the background and given him a song more tedious than watching mountains erode. And the singer looks untrustworthy enough to be one of the Corsairs of Umbar.

The Norwegian girl is still fighting a losing battle against her hair.

The Georgian song should be performed by the two lead characters of a Disney cartoon, after the hero has won the princess - by, according to the words as they sound to me, sailing on a sea of cheese.

The expression 'gayer than a wagon-load of monkeys on nitrous oxide' was coined for the Irish entry. More homo-erotic than Supernatural and the WWE combined.

And that's all, folks! Except for the voting and the results.
Tags: eurovision, music
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