332 words and 181 words respectively, rating uncertain (no naughty words or explicit content but the concepts are adult), and definitely not to be taken seriously.
Diana is an ordinary girl from the village of Nether Lips in the Cotswolds. She is only moderately pretty, until she discovers that, due to a rare metabolic imbalance, eating Belgian chocolate causes her to lose weight and gives her clear and perfect skin. Soon she has become radiantly beautiful and moves to London where she attracts the attention of Jeremy, a successful architect.
Jeremy is tall and handsome with gleaming white teeth and, as is revealed in a series of gratuitous and contrived shirtless scenes, has a tautly muscled (despite working in an office and rarely if ever going to the gym) and naturally hairless chest. The hair on his head, by contrast, is lustrous and wavy and described in such detail that by the end of the chapter the reader feels that she knows each individual hair by name.
Jeremy courts her and soon (but not too soon) manages to get her into his (large, well-sprung, and with sheets and duvet of Egyptian cotton) bed. There he makes tender yet passionate love to her, over the course of several pages, with meticulous descriptions of the things he does to each of her erogenous zones (but only a cursory mention of what she does to him other than kisses and caresses). Afterwards he talks about his feelings (with no need for assistance from an animated dog), showers (and picks up the towels), and applies Gucci by Gucci Pour Homme Sport gentlemen’s fragrance.
On their second date he arrives precisely on time, despite the date clashing with England’s penalty shoot-out against Italy, and they have a romantic candlelight dinner and then more tender and passionate sex.
On their third date they engage in a little mild BDSM (because it’s fashionable and because a third instance of the tender yet passionate stuff would be too repetitive) and then move on to the wedding planning (in which he takes an active part and actually makes pertinent suggestions).
And they both live happily ever after.
Dianne is a thirty-four year old married woman with a 38DD bust. She is virtuous until one weekend when, with her husband away on a business trip, she lets her divorced (and equally well-stacked) friends Sharon and Tracy entice her to accompany them on a night on the town.
Unknown to the three women the Brazilian Niterói Class frigate Constituição (3,500 tons, 2 Rolls-Royce Olympus gas turbines, 30 knots, armed with two MM-40 Exocet missiles and one 4.5 inch gun) is in port for a goodwill visit. Dianne and her friends end up in the same nightclub as the sailors and succumb to their Latin charms.
In a wild night of debauchery the three women take on all 209 officers and men, in every possible position and combination (including a gratuitous and contrived girl-on-girl scene), with many copious ejaculations and even a little spanking (Brazilian whacks). At the end of the night, with the men all exhausted and de-tumescent, the women are brought to orgasm by the long and supple tongue of the ship’s mascot Ayrton the giant anteater (Myrmecophaga tridactyla).