No ‘Five Times’ drabble today – I’ve been busy with something else. At the beginning of July the Lord of the Rings fanfic site Lotrfanfiction.com was bought by an entrepreneur named Keith Mander (promptly dubbed ‘SaruMander’ by some bloggers), who already owned a Twilight site and a Winnie the Pooh site, and he spoke of his intention to conflate the Twilight and Lord of the Rings fandoms. I posted here challenging him to prove his fandom credentials by writing an Éomer/Lothíriel fic involving Winnie the Pooh and Twilight crossovers. Although I was joking I found I couldn’t resist doing it myself and I have, at last, finished it.
Here is the result. A ‘Winnie the Pooh as the Tenth Walker’ story, with some Twilight, told in the form of twelve 100-word drabbles. Rating R. My usual Gimli/Galadriel obsession creeps in, of course…
“The Company of the Ring shall be ten,” said Elrond, “and the Ten Walkers shall be set against the Nine Riders that are evil. Gandalf shall lead the party. For the Hobbits shall go Frodo, and his faithful servant Sam, and Meriadoc and Peregrin. Legolas shall represent the Elves, and Gimli son of Gloin the Dwarves.” The two glowered at each other and Gimli fondled the haft of his axe. “For the Men shall go Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and Boromir of Gondor. Last, representing the Beornings, Edward Bear, known as Pooh.”
“Hooray!” said Pooh. “We’re going on an Expotition!”
The sound of drums grew louder, the ranks of the orcs opened, and a mighty figure came into view. It was like a great shadow, in the middle of which was a dark form, of man-shape maybe yet greater, and a power and terror seemed to be in it and to go before it. It leapt the fissure, the flames roared up to greet it, and its mane kindled and blazed behind it. In its right hand was a blade like a stabbing tongue of fire and its left held a whip of many thongs.
“Bother!” said Pooh. “A Balrog.”
The Elves brought them food for their journey in the form of very thin cakes; brown on the outside, the colour of cream on the inside.
Gimli took up one, looked at it doubtfully, and then nibbled at it. His expression quickly changed and he devoured the rest of the cake in seconds. “I thought this was only a kind of Cram, such as the Dalemen make for journeys into the wild,” he said, “but it is better than the honey cakes of the Beornings.”
Pooh fixed him with a hard stare. “Nothing,” he growled, “is better than Hunny cakes.”
“I have gifts for the Fellowship,” Galadriel said. “Elven cloaks, and matching clasps, for all. A phial of pure light for Frodo, soil and seeds for Sam, and for Legolas a Galadhrim bow. Upon Aragorn son of Arathorn I am bestowing a scabbard, crafted by the finest Elven swordsmiths, for Andúril. Boromir gets a golden belt and there are belts of silver for Merry and Pippin. For Gimli, in memory of the best sha… uh, of the legendary stamina of the Dwarves, three hairs from my… head. And for Pooh,” she handed the bear a large object, “a Useful Box.”
There was a crash and a flash of flame and smoke. The waters of the Deeping-stream poured out hissing and foaming: they were choked no longer, a gaping hole was blasted in the wall. A host of dark shapes rushed forward.
“Devilry of SaruMander!” cried Aragorn. 'They have crept in the culvert again, while we talked, and they have lit the fire of Orthanc beneath our feet. We must plug the breach before Helm’s Deep falls. Pooh,” he said, addressing the Beorning, “get into the hole, plant yourself fast, and then,” Aragorn produced a large pot, “quickly eat this Hunny.”
“I’m not the bad guy here,” SaruMander pleaded. “I simply sought to monetize Rohan more effectively. Introducing new technology…”
“Blasting fire,” muttered Aragorn.
“…outsourcing basic labour…”
“To the Dunlendings,” growled Théoden.
“…and making it more user-friendly.”
“You started a war,” Pooh Bear pointed out. “That’s not very friendly.”
SaruMander shrugged. “That depends on who you define as the users,” he said. “The Rohirrim are merely content providers. It’s advertisers who matter, and the biggest on the Palantir network are… Beorning Bakeries Limited.”
Everyone looked at Pooh.
“Well,” said Pooh, looking down at his paws, “they do make exceedingly good cakes.”
“The Paths of the Dead!” said Gimli. “It is a fell name, and little to the liking of the men of Rohan, as I saw. Can the living use such a road and not perish?”
“Whether they can or not,” Aragorn said, “that is the road I must take.”
“I will come,” said Legolas, “for I do not fear the Dead.”
“Are the Dead zombies?” Pooh asked.
“Zombies? Not to my knowledge,” Aragorn replied. “Why do you ask?”
“Because zombies won’t hurt me,” Pooh said. “I don’t have anything they want, for I am a Bear of Very Little Brain.”
Victory had been won at the Pelennor Fields but at a heavy price.
“A toll most grievous,” said Éomer, as he surveyed the scene.
“Yet it would have been worse by far, I deem, were it not for the ingenuity of Winnie the Pooh,” said Prince Imrahil of Dol Amroth. “The mûmakil of the Haradrim doubtless would have slain many and none, save Pooh, knew how to combat them.”
“Aye,” said Duilin of Morthond. “One of the beasts was near to trampling me when it fell into one of Pooh’s cunning – what did you call them?”
“Heffalump traps,” said Pooh.
Representatives from all the civilised lands arrived in Gondor for the wedding of Aragorn and Arwen. Elves, Dwarves, Men, and from the Twilight lands of the far Northwest came the peaceful vampires of the Cullen clan. For the Beornings there were Christopher Robin, and Piglet, and there was much rejoicing as they were reunited with Pooh.
The wedding festivities were also the occasion for various liaisons. Gimli and Galadriel slipped away together; Legolas pleasured a Lady of Gondor; the Sons of Elrond seduced several Healers; and, as Pippin and Merry showed Jasper the Palace, Christopher Robin went down on Alice.
“And this is Edward Bear, known as Pooh,” Prince Imrahil told his daughter Lothíriel. “He who, with his Heffalump Traps, destroyed the mûmakil.”
“I am honoured to meet such a hero,” Lothíriel said, smiling, and took Pooh’s paw. It was sticky with Hunny, alas, and Lothíriel recoiled with her lip curling in disgust.
Next, after Lothíriel had wiped her hand clean, Imrahil introduced her to Éomer. The imposing and handsome King of the Rohirrim and the beautiful and charming maiden took to each other at once.
“Bother!” said Pooh. “I’m never going to shag the Princess of Dol Amroth now.”
“I don’t know what you’re upset about, friend Pooh,” said Gimli. “There are other girls. Anyway, I thought you Beornings were only interested in licking out honey-pots.”
“Exactly,” said Pooh, licking Hunny off his eyebrows.
Galadriel’s eyes widened. “Pooh Bear,” she said, “I have been less of a friend to you, thus far, than to the others of the Fellowship. It is time I rectified that. Perhaps now, while Gimli dines on Cottleston Pie, we could get better… acquainted.”
Later, in bed, Galadriel purred with satisfaction as Pooh licked away industriously.
“Isn’t it funny,” Galadriel mused, “how Bears like Cunny?”
Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Gimli. The dwarf was dragging Pooh by one ankle.
They reached the Houses of Healing and Gimli threw Pooh in. “And stay away from Galadriel!” he yelled.
“Ow!” Pooh moaned, rubbing his head, and he clambered to his feet. His eyes fell upon a Healer, a beautiful young lady, whose drab grey dress clung to a voluptuous figure.
“A wounded hero!” the girl exclaimed. “I am at your service, Lord Pooh.”
Pooh’s eyes lit up and he uttered a long whistle. “Hellooo, Nurse!”
Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings is the property of the Tolkien Estate, Twilight is owned by Stephanie Meyer, and the rights to Winnie the Pooh are owned by Stephen Slesinger, Inc. and Walt Disney Productions. This story is for amusement only.