I think the story plot, as outlined, is the worst one I have ever seen. It sucks dead rats through a straw. No-one would ever read it. Seriously.
If you offered me $250,000 to write it I'd turn you down; I'd rather be sentenced to life on a road-building gang in Myanmar. Any ghost writer you hired would probably lose the will to live before reaching Chapter 4.
I hate your original character and would like to see him disembowelled in an accident involving Xander and an electric egg-whisk. I feel that the Scoobies would loathe him on sight and would never willingly spend more than 8 seconds in his company.
On the other hand your actual writing isn't too bad. If you just stick to the rule of 'when a new person speaks, you start a new paragraph' you'd be better than 90% of the writers on fanfiction.net.
Write it yourself.
Do you think I’m being too harsh? I’m inclined to think I’m not being harsh enough...
This month there is a challenge running at ‘Twisting the Hellmouth’ looking for crossovers with fandoms that have not already been featured on the site; bonus points for non-obscure ones, mainstream fandoms that no-one has thought of crossing over yet. I’m interested but I haven’t come up with anything so far; at least not Buffyverse crosses. I’ve had a couple of ideas for crosses with ‘The Lord of the Rings’, however, although I’ve decided not to proceed with the one in which Detective Chief Inspector Taggart tells the Council of Elrond “There’s been a Mordor!”
Here are two LotR crossover drabbles, both taking place at the Council of Elrond, but not otherwise connected. Surprise crossovers, PG, 100 words each.
The members of the Council of Elrond stared in surprise at the long-eared creature, bipedal and fully as tall as a hobbit, who stood before them nibbling on a carrot. ‘Bugs’ had performed valiant service whilst escorting Frodo and the other hobbits to Rivendell, twice tricking the Black Riders into stabbing each other in the belief that it was ‘Wraith Season’, but he was still, indisputably, a rabbit.
“Behold,” Gandalf announced, “the rightful King of Gondor.”
“What madness is this?” Boromir protested, glaring at Bugs. “He is a rabbit!”
“True,” Gandalf said, “but a royal one. He is Isildur’s Hare.”
“The Company of the Ring shall be Nine,” Elrond declared, “and the Nine Walkers shall be set against the Nine Riders that are Evil.”
“We should add a tenth from amongst my Rangers,” Aragorn suggested. He beckoned forward a bearded man, his head crowned with a broad-brimmed hat, who bore the emblem of a star upon his breast. “This is Cordell the Walker,” Aragorn introduced the man, “from a far-off land named Texas.”
“He bears no weapon,” Elrond quibbled.
“He needs none,” Aragorn replied, “but slays his foes, Orcs and Wargs and Ringwraiths alike, with Roundhouse Kicks to the Face.”
(Just in case anyone doesn’t recognise the fandoms: the first is ‘Bugs Bunny’, the second is ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’)