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Two Lord of the Rings Crossover Drabbles - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
Two Lord of the Rings Crossover Drabbles
Today I received an e-mail from someone who wants feedback on a synopsis, sample scenes, and character outline for a Buffyverse fic that he doesn’t intend to write; he has the insane idea that he can pay someone to write it for him. I see from the header that he has sent the same e-mail to 441 other people, and he’s been pestering a certain well-known author on my F-list for a year, so you may have received it yourself. I took a look at it and have composed the following reply, although I haven't sent it yet:

I think the story plot, as outlined, is the worst one I have ever seen. It sucks dead rats through a straw. No-one would ever read it. Seriously.

If you offered me $250,000 to write it I'd turn you down; I'd rather be sentenced to life on a road-building gang in Myanmar. Any ghost writer you hired would probably lose the will to live before reaching Chapter 4.

I hate your original character and would like to see him disembowelled in an accident involving Xander and an electric egg-whisk. I feel that the Scoobies would loathe him on sight and would never willingly spend more than 8 seconds in his company.

On the other hand your actual writing isn't too bad. If you just stick to the rule of 'when a new person speaks, you start a new paragraph' you'd be better than 90% of the writers on fanfiction.net.

Write it yourself.

Do you think I’m being too harsh? I’m inclined to think I’m not being harsh enough...

This month there is a challenge running at ‘Twisting the Hellmouth’ looking for crossovers with fandoms that have not already been featured on the site; bonus points for non-obscure ones, mainstream fandoms that no-one has thought of crossing over yet. I’m interested but I haven’t come up with anything so far; at least not Buffyverse crosses. I’ve had a couple of ideas for crosses with ‘The Lord of the Rings’, however, although I’ve decided not to proceed with the one in which Detective Chief Inspector Taggart tells the Council of Elrond “There’s been a Mordor!”

Here are two LotR crossover drabbles, both taking place at the Council of Elrond, but not otherwise connected. Surprise crossovers, PG, 100 words each.

Hobbit Season!

The members of the Council of Elrond stared in surprise at the long-eared creature, bipedal and fully as tall as a hobbit, who stood before them nibbling on a carrot. ‘Bugs’ had performed valiant service whilst escorting Frodo and the other hobbits to Rivendell, twice tricking the Black Riders into stabbing each other in the belief that it was ‘Wraith Season’, but he was still, indisputably, a rabbit.

“Behold,” Gandalf announced, “the rightful King of Gondor.”

“What madness is this?” Boromir protested, glaring at Bugs. “He is a rabbit!”

“True,” Gandalf said, “but a royal one. He is Isildur’s Hare.”

And he always gets to Mordor before you

“The Company of the Ring shall be Nine,” Elrond declared, “and the Nine Walkers shall be set against the Nine Riders that are Evil.”

“We should add a tenth from amongst my Rangers,” Aragorn suggested. He beckoned forward a bearded man, his head crowned with a broad-brimmed hat, who bore the emblem of a star upon his breast. “This is Cordell the Walker,” Aragorn introduced the man, “from a far-off land named Texas.”

“He bears no weapon,” Elrond quibbled.

“He needs none,” Aragorn replied, “but slays his foes, Orcs and Wargs and Ringwraiths alike, with Roundhouse Kicks to the Face.”

- - - - -

(Just in case anyone doesn’t recognise the fandoms: the first is ‘Bugs Bunny’, the second is ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’)

Tags: ,
Current Location: Rivendell
Current Music: Erwin Beekveld, "They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard"

30 comments or speak 2 me
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deird1 From: deird1 Date: September 5th, 2009 09:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
*applauds* (both letter and fic)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: September 7th, 2009 12:58 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
mangosorbet007 From: mangosorbet007 Date: September 5th, 2009 09:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
Both very funny. :-)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: September 7th, 2009 12:58 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
mymatedave From: mymatedave Date: September 5th, 2009 10:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
For including Bugs, you have my undying respect. Walker though, gets a meh.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: September 7th, 2009 01:00 am (UTC) (Link)

With Walker it's the name that counts; the 'Tenth Walker' genre of LotR fic cried out for it.
framefolly From: framefolly Date: September 5th, 2009 10:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Chuck Norris can wear the One Ring and not be affected.

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: September 7th, 2009 01:01 am (UTC) (Link)
He can probably destroy it with Roundhouse Kicks, or at least kick it all the way to Mount Doom.
bogwitch From: bogwitch Date: September 5th, 2009 10:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh dear.

I got that email too, but I didn't dare actually open the attachment.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: September 6th, 2009 09:00 am (UTC) (Link)
I didn't open the attachment either; I went to his LiveJournal (which, I see today, he has now deleted). I think many of the 442 must have complained about his spamming.
gillo From: gillo Date: September 5th, 2009 10:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
I fully expected Harvey. Who's a Pooka, not a hare. Bugs made me groan, though.

I've seen the stuff you refer to - I made the mistake of friending back. Briefly. It's interminable, and if you read it all through even once you're more heroic than I could ever be. That's a good letter, pertinent and accurate.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: September 7th, 2009 01:02 am (UTC) (Link)
I sent the letter; he replied saying 'thank you for the feedback'.
rahirah From: rahirah Date: September 5th, 2009 10:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
That sums it up pretty accurately, I think.

He posted to riters_r_us and I almost gave him a serious critique, but then I thought to myself, "Self, you are telling a possibly disturbed person that his creepily obvious self-insert Gary Stu needs serious revision. It is entirely possible that he might track you down and show up on your doorstep with a machine gun."

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: September 7th, 2009 01:02 am (UTC) (Link)
I sent the e-mail and he replied saying just 'thank you for the feedback'. Obviously I wasn't harsh enough.
From: beer_good_foamy Date: September 5th, 2009 10:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
As for the letter, having read his ramblings on riters_r_us - looks good to me.

As for Isildur's Hare... Groan. But Walker would fit right in. There's nothing he can't do.

ffutures From: ffutures Date: September 5th, 2009 11:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yep, got the mail. Not bothering to reply, life's too short for morons.

Don't know Walker, but Bugs is always good fun. Thanks as usual for posting!
booster17 From: booster17 Date: September 5th, 2009 11:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
*checks email, slightly panicked* No, I seem to have escaped so far....

And massive groan for the Bugs drabble.
janedavitt From: janedavitt Date: September 6th, 2009 12:19 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm cruel; I want you to send it ;-)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: September 7th, 2009 01:03 am (UTC) (Link)
I did send it; he replied saying only 'thanks for the feedback'.
audela From: audela Date: September 6th, 2009 02:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Love the Bugs/LotR. Chuck Norris gives me the shudders, so that affected my enjoyment of the other.

I can see wanting to send that letter, but he's the kind of person who might turn scary on you. Or worse, he might take your reply as an invitation to correspond.

zanthinegirl From: zanthinegirl Date: September 6th, 2009 02:24 am (UTC) (Link)
There just aren't enough LotR/ Walker Texas Ranger crossovers!

I've seen a couple of people complaining about the guy-- I have to say he sounds kind of unbalanced. He clearly just doesn't get it!
hieispike From: hieispike Date: September 6th, 2009 07:47 am (UTC) (Link)
Both drabbles are fantastic. But I love the second more, just for the capitalization of Roundhouse Kicks to the Face. :P
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: September 6th, 2009 08:11 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, it does seem harsh, but the writer just doesn't seem to be getting the message any other way. I probably wouldn't be able to bring myself to write that, so he's pretty lucky to have you, IMO. I suspect he won't feel the same, but it's gotta come from somewhere.
sammywol From: sammywol Date: September 6th, 2009 10:09 am (UTC) (Link)
I imagine other people have tried the kindly approach. Perhaps they have tried the FUCK OFF! approach too. Heck the worst you can do is offend him and then he might not send you any more plot summaries.
30 comments or speak 2 me
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