Playing With Herself
The spell was ready. Willow impulsively hugged her vampire counterpart, receiving a rather too intimate embrace in return, and bade her farewell. They began to walk towards the magical circle marked out upon the floor. Vampire Willow suddenly halted dead in her tracks. “I don’t wanna go,” she said.
“It’s a little too late to change your mind,” Giles said. “Now, if you would kindly stop stalling and take your place in the circle…”
“No, wait,” Willow said. She faced her vampire counterpart. “What do you mean, you don’t want to go? You were all with the ‘this world’s no fun’ and the ‘send me back to where people are horsies’ just two minutes ago. Uh, and then I hugged you, and there was the naughty touching, and you haven’t changed your mind because of that, have you? Because, really, not gay here.”
Vampire Willow raised an eyebrow. “If you say so. No, I just remembered a couple of things, that’s all. First, my Xander’s dead,” she said. “The scarface version of Buttsy staked him.”
“That’s ‘Buffy’,” Buffy interjected.
“Whatever. Anyway, you still have your Xander. He’s not as much fun as mine but I guess he’s better than nothing.”
“Thanks a bunch,” said Xander. “Hey, I can be bad-ass too.”
Vampire Willow rolled her eyes. “You wish. But, hey, like I said, better than nothing. And I think I might get killed too. I had this kinda vision; I guess it was a premonition. I get pulled backward into a piece of wood and – poof! – no me. I don’t wanna get all dusty.”
“It’s not like we have a choice,” Buffy said. “We can’t let you stay here eating people. Well, I suppose I could stake you, but that wigs me out, on account of you being, well, Willow. So, it’s back to Bizarro World for you.”
“Wait!” Willow’s eyes opened very wide and round. “If we send her back and she gets all killed it’s the same as if we kill her.”
“I guess,” said Buffy, “but how do we know anything will happen to her at all?”
Vampire Willow pouted. “Because I’m telling you, Buttsy.”
“Buffy,” Willow corrected her. “She might be right. If the, uh, other you was fighting them, you, uh, she, uh, you, probably will stake her.”
“That’s tough,” Buffy said, “but better than her eating people here.”
“If we could please get a move on,” Giles urged.
“Yeah, I’ve got places to be, people to… totally fail to grant wishes for,” Anya said. “Beer to fail to buy, orgasms to not get, math to flunk…”
“You could give her a soul,” Oz suggested.
“Yes!” Willow’s face lit up. “I could do that.” Her lips turned down. “Except that we don’t have an Orb of Thesulah.”
“Ah, actually, we do,” Giles said. “I managed to find a job lot of eight. I stored them away just in case of, ah, future need.” Buffy swung her gaze on him and her brows lowered.
Vampire Willow’s pout grew more pronounced. “Don’t want a soul.”
“Fine,” said Buffy, swinging her gaze back to the vampire. “So we’ll send you back where you came from. Come on, get in the circle.”
“Don’t wanna,” Vampire Willow said. “Oh, all right, I’ll let you give me a soul, and I’ll be all brooding and miserable like our puppy.”
Buffy frowned at her. “Your puppy? Angel?”
“That’s right, Buttsy,” Vampire Willow confirmed. “We used to play lovely games with our puppy. Of course he didn’t like them very much and then he escaped and spoiled our fun.”
“You’re kinda weird,” Buffy said, rolling her eyes. “If we let you stay there will be no playing with Angel. Absolutely not.”
“But I like playing with my puppy,” Vampire Willow moaned. “He makes such lovely noises when I burn him.”
Giles removed his glasses, felt for a cloth to polish the lenses, came up empty and replaced the glasses on his nose. “Ah, would your sire have been Drusilla, by any chance?”
“Who?” Vampire Willow’s brow furrowed briefly and then she tilted her chin upwards in a haughty manner. “My sire was the Master himself.”
Xander’s eyebrows shot up. “The Master was your Yoda?”
“My Yoda?” Vampire Willows lips twitched, curled up at the corners, and a beaming smile spread across her face. She snorted as she fought to suppress a giggle. “Open the Hellmouth I will. Drink the blood of the innocent you shall. Remember, a vampire’s strength flows from the blood.”
“Fear is the path to the dark side,” Xander said. “Seems kinda in character to me, only he’d have been on the dark side all along. And the Master was a little taller than Yoda.”
“Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?” Vampire Willow quoted.
“They did have the same shape ears,” Willow mused. “It kinda puts a whole new spin on Star Wars.”
“If we could please get a move on,” Giles said, with a sigh. “Are we going to send the, ah, vampiric version of Willow back to her own dimension, or are you going to curse her with a soul? I’d like a decision soon.”
“We could send her somewhere else,” Anya suggested. “I know of a dimension just like this one but without shrimp.”
“I don’t know,” said Vampire Willow. “Now, if it was a world without Slayers, I might be interested. Or, hey, maybe you could send me to Middle Earth? I could turn Legolas, and Galadriel, and eat that boring Frodo, and make Gimli into my new puppy.”
Giles raised his eyes heavenwards. “It would be impossible to send you to Middle Earth,” he pointed out. “That is an entirely fictional universe.”
“Actually…” Anya began.
“I don’t want her eating people in some other dimension either,” Buffy said, cutting Anya off short. “Three options. Back where she came from, soul, or stake.”
“I’ll take the soul,” Vampire Willow decided. “It’s better than a poke in the heart with a sharp stick.”