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Fic rec and ficlet: "Learn The Words" - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
Fic rec and ficlet: "Learn The Words"
Fic rec: the best post-NFA Fred/Illyria piece ever. Absolutely without question. Open a box of tissues, position it close enough to your hand that you can reach it without having to look through eyes streaming with tears, and read Shell Game by deird1.

I’m whopping through the next chapter of ‘Tabula Avatar’ at great speed (and buckets of blood, much of it Randy and Joan’s) but for now all I have to offer is a silly little ficlet. Fandom Discworld, featuring one of my OTPs. The Patrician has a particular hatred of one form of street entertainment and now he has an ally in his crusade against it. 500 words, PG, not to be taken seriously. Discworld is the property of Sir Terry Pratchett.

Learn The Words

The door of the Patrician’s office burst open and a beautiful woman walked in. She carried a white-faced street entertainer slung over her shoulder. “I caught one for you, Havelock,” she said. “He was Exploring An Invisible Cage in Sator Square. When I approached him he tried to escape by Walking Against The Wind.”

The Patrician’s secretary followed her into the room, wringing his hands. “I tried to stop her, Lord Vetinari,” he said.

Vetinari turned his attention away from Vimes and Carrot. “That’s quite all right, Drumknott,” he said. “You could hardly be expected to stop Lady Margolotta, and she is welcome here at any time anyway.” He fixed a stern glare on the entertainer. “Have you anything to say for yourself?”

Lady Margolotta released her captive and he dropped to his knees. He clasped his hands together, raised them to chest level, and grimaced. He opened and closed his mouth, spread his hands out wide, shrugged, and clasped his hands again.

“I think that’s quite conclusive evidence of guilt,” Vetinari said. “Sir Samuel, Captain Carrot, take him away. You know the procedure. Scorpion pit, ropes, and the sign saying ‘Learn The Words’.”

“Of course, sir,” Vimes said. “Okay, chummy, walk this way. And if you ‘humorously’ take me literally I’ll assume you’re resisting arrest.” Drumknott left the room, Vimes and the entertainer behind him, and Carrot brought up the rear. As he closed the door Carrot caught a brief glimpse of Lady Margolotta embracing Vetinari and beginning a passionate kiss.

“I’m not altogether happy with this,” Carrot confessed, as they walked out of the Patrician’s Palace. “I know that this form of street entertainment is against the law, and the punishment is exactly as stated, but it’s only like that because the Patrician decreed it. There’s nothing about it in The Laws and Ordinances of The Cities of Ankh and Morpork. Lady Margolotta acting as a vigilante doesn’t sit well with me either.”

“Well, the lads hardly ever arrest anyone for it,” Vimes said, “and she’s within her rights to make a Citizen’s Arrest. Although technically she’s a citizen of Überwald, I suppose, but her dating Vetinari probably makes her eligible. I’m certainly not going to argue the point.”

“They do seem to be getting on very well,” Carrot agreed. “I wouldn’t have thought Lord Vetinari was interested in that sort of thing. I always thought that the city was his only passion.”

“I gather they had a thing a long time ago,” Vimes said, “and it looks as if they’ve picked it up again. Rather intensely, in fact.”

The entertainer made a gesture, involving the finger and thumb of one hand and the index finger of the other, which made Carrot blush and caused Vimes to fix the entertainer with a cold and intimidating glare.

“Yes, they are very well matched,” Vimes went on, turning back to Carrot. “He is the absolute ruler of the city; she’s a member of the vampire nobility. Together, they fight mime.”

Tags: , ,
Current Location: Ankh-Morpork
Current Music: The Alarm & Bruce Watson, "In A Big Country"

15 comments or speak 2 me
woman_of_ From: woman_of_ Date: January 29th, 2009 12:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
Together, they fight mime. LoL, and as it should be, so annoying!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 29th, 2009 12:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
As Oz said: "Nobody deserves mime, Buffy".

gillo From: gillo Date: January 29th, 2009 01:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
Scorpions are too good for 'em!

Love it.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 29th, 2009 01:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
spikereader From: spikereader Date: January 29th, 2009 02:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well I thought about showing my appreciation in mime .....

Instead I shall just :D and LOL.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 29th, 2009 02:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! You have successfully avoided the scorpion pit.
ffutures From: ffutures Date: January 29th, 2009 03:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well, I spotted it coming because I remembered your OTP list, but it was still funny.

Scorpion pits is too good for them, I say.

BTW, where the hell does the Patrician get scorpions? Don't sound a particularly plausible species for a city like AM. Presumably someone imports them?

Edited at 2009-01-29 03:20 pm (UTC)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 29th, 2009 03:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
I wrote the ficlet because it took so long before anyone answered the OTP question and it occurred to me that I'd never used that line before (the line was inspired by a mention of Marcel Marceau in Dragonelf's sig on a review at TtH).

No doubt the Patrician does import scorpions, presumably from Klatch.
deird1 From: deird1 Date: January 29th, 2009 07:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hee! Fun!
How the hell I didn't pick this pairing in your previous post, I have no idea. It seems so obvious now...

And thanks for the rec! *is thrilled*
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 29th, 2009 10:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

You earned the rec by writing a brilliant fic.
diachrony From: diachrony Date: January 29th, 2009 09:26 pm (UTC) (Link)

Vetinari and Margolotta - a delightful pairing!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 29th, 2009 10:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
From: basilio_the_cat Date: January 30th, 2009 02:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Though I can't place Lady Margalotta at the moment (could be forgetfulness, could be that I haven't got to that book yet, since there are so many unread) I still loved this little ficlet.

Discworld rules! :D

Edited at 2009-01-30 02:36 pm (UTC)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 30th, 2009 03:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
Lady Margolotta (whose name I spelt incorrectly in two places, silly me) appears in The Fifth Elephant and is mentioned several times in the later books.

Thank you!
From: basilio_the_cat Date: February 1st, 2009 09:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Then I probably haven't read about her, yet. Before I needed to come to capital city for college, I read as many Discworld books as our small library had to offer, which was only about 10 or 15 (available). Unfortunately, I haven't gotten to read all of them and could, in fact, count on my fingers the number of books I've read in the past two years.

This makes me sad since I love reading, but when there's no time, there's no time :(. I did receive quite a few books for Xmas & bday and am holding them for a time when I actually can read. I've also started to build my own library - with the Pratchett-s being first in line of course :D ..

... oops, I blabbermouthed again. Sorry
15 comments or speak 2 me