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Seven Drabbles for the Dwarf Lords, in their Halls of Stone - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
Seven Drabbles for the Dwarf Lords, in their Halls of Stone

Happy birthday to desdemonaspace

Sorry I haven't replied to comments on the last post yet; as you will see, I've been fully occupied in writing. The series of insane Lord of the Rings crossover drabbles/ficlets bouncing between beer_good_foamy and me now runs: Everybody Knows Men Never Ask Directions, The Only Way To Travel, The Evils of Capitalism, There’s Something About Frodo, Be Adequite, In The Dark, and Hey Mr Clean, You're Dirty Now Too. Beer Good is going to be off-line for a week, he says, and I want to get on with ‘Tabula Avatar’ and ‘Came The Thunder’, and so I’m moving the War of the Ring on with a series of 7 linked 100-word drabbles. Chronologically they come before ‘Hey, Mr Clean’.

Spell Check

“Urn of Osiris, check,” Willow muttered. “Okay, what’s next?” She studied the book intently. “Sacrifice a faun? Meep! Oh, well, I guess you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.” She went to the kitchen, selected the largest and sharpest knife, and then went upstairs to her bedroom. She opened the wardrobe and entered, pushed aside the fur coats, and walked on until she was brushing past tree branches and snow crunched under her feet.

Willow saw a figure beside the lamp-post and hid the knife behind her back. “Hey,” she called, “I’ve a little surprise for you, Mr Tumnus...”

. . . . .

Resurrection Shuffle

“Osiris!” Willow called. “Let the warrior of the people crossover!”

The others watched, horrified, as Willow vomited snakes and writhed in pain. Eventually her spasms eased. “Open the coffin,” she ordered.

Xander jumped down into the grave and pried open the coffin. He peered inside and recoiled. “She’s still dead, Will,” he reported.

“No!” Willow rushed to check for herself. A withered corpse met her gaze. “It didn’t work,” Willow lamented. “But why? I did everything right!”

“Technically, isn’t Faith the warrior of the people now?” Anya pointed out.

“Hey, yeah,” Xander agreed, “and what did you mean by ‘crossover’?”

. . . . .

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

The Lord of Nazgûl rode towards Gandalf. “Old fool,” he sneered, “This is my hour. Die now, and curse in vain.” Flames ran down his blade.

Gandalf did not retreat but stood waiting.

“Wicked cool,” a voice interrupted from behind the Nazgûl, “I’m out of jail. Hey, monsters to Slay. Five by five.”

“Begone, foolish one,” said the Morgul-Lord, turning to face the newcomer. “No living man may hinder me.”

“Yo, ringwraith dude, you blind?” Faith pointed to her chest. “This girlie is gonna kick your ass.”

“It is you that is blind,” the Nazgûl-lord retorted. “This is a horse.”

. . . . .

Stop Using Sex As A Weapon

It was beginning to sink into Lindsay Lohan’s addled mind that flashing her boobs to an army of lustful orcs perhaps hadn’t been the wisest move she could have made. “Uh, you don’t want to do this, guys,” she pleaded.

“Oh yes we do,” gloated a drooling orc chieftain. His hands went to his belt buckle, and his whole army followed suit.

The black fleet landed unobserved. Down the gangplanks rushed Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, the Rangers of the North, and the Grateful Dead. They fell upon the host with great slaughter; for the orcs were caught with their pants down.

. . . . .

Love Is A Battlefield

The Witch-King fled before Faith’s onslaught. Faramir led forth the army of Minas Tirith and they joined Aragorn in routing the orcish army.

Faramir slew the last lust-blinded orc and approached the semi-nude starlet. “I say unto you, Lady of Lohan, you are beautiful,” he said.

“Like, duh, totally,” said Lindsay.

Faramir frowned. “Yet less intelligent than my horse,” he decided. “Lady Faith, wouldst thou...?”

Faith shook her head. “Sorry, F, I know how this works,” she said. “I’m the crossover character. I get to boink the major sex symbol. Legolas.”

“Alas, Lady,” Legolas confessed, “my heart belongs to Gimli.”

. . . . .


“Bugger off, ye steaming great pansy,” Gimli told Legolas. “Yon lassie Galadriel is the one for me.”

“Tough luck, L,” said Faith. “Okay, then, I get Aragorn. Five by five.”

The rightful King of Gondor sighed. “Truly, you would make a worthy Queen,” he said, “but I have fallen for another.”

“Oh, yeah,” Faith said. “Arwen, right?”

“No longer,” said Aragorn, “for crossover characters take precedence, in the absence of a Mary Sue, and you are wrong in your claim that you are the primary crossover character in this tale. That position, and thus my heart, belongs to Jessica Fletcher.”

. . . . .

Les Orcs Dansant

“Thanks to your knowledge unrivalled, Madame Fletcher,” said Poirot, “we avoided the perils of Cirith Ungol and Shelob. Our destination lies before us.” He gestured across the barren land toward the fiery Mount Doom.

“Yes,” said Frodo, “but what are those orcs doing?” He pointed at a vast horde of Uruk-hai who pranced and gyrated on the plain. The thunder of heavy metal music filled the air.

“It’s like a huge mosh pit, Master Frodo,” remarked Sam, as the orcs played air guitar and banged their heads.

“It’s Sauron’s last line of defence,” Jessica explained. “Mordor on the dance floor.”

Tags: , , , ,
Current Location: The Pelennor Fields
Current Music: AC/DC, "For Those About To Rock"

27 comments or speak 2 me
woman_of_ From: woman_of_ Date: July 1st, 2008 08:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh you have gone wild with these drabbles. Still I think Faith should've got the prize! Hee Hee!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think you'll find that Faith is quite satisfied with what she gets instead...
tessarin From: tessarin Date: July 1st, 2008 08:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
Just brilliant. That last line... just groans.:-)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
ffutures From: ffutures Date: July 1st, 2008 08:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
You ain't seen nothin' yet...
adriana_is From: adriana_is Date: July 1st, 2008 08:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
“Mordor on the dance floor.”

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
...but you'd better not kill the groove.
mymatedave From: mymatedave Date: July 1st, 2008 08:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
SPEAKR!!!!!! *shakes fists dramatically*
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
What? (Looks innocent)
paratti From: paratti Date: July 1st, 2008 09:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
mylescorcoran From: mylescorcoran Date: July 1st, 2008 09:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oooh! Ouchies!

That's too much concentrated punnery. I hurt, but in a good way.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
sammywol From: sammywol Date: July 1st, 2008 09:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh Dear! *weeps* *polishes glasses*

Of course you do know that there is a curse on anyone entertaining becoming Jessica Fletcher's new love interest. It's going to be murder in Mordor for poor Aragorn. Although he isn't closely enough connected to her to be the falsely accused obvious suspect. He'll have to settle for being the real killer ... or possibly the victim, dun-dun-DUN!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
The curse might not apply because he isn't the Special Guest Star.
sammywol From: sammywol Date: July 2nd, 2008 09:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Fingers crossed.
Although apparently poor Sherif Amos Tupper was got rid of for daring to suggest a possible crush on Mrs Fletcher.
gillo From: gillo Date: July 1st, 2008 09:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
Good lord you're on a roll with these. I think murderous Willow in Narnia may be my favourite, but it's a close call. And teh metafictional commentary is superb!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! I like the Willow one too; I really have seen people referring to Willow sacrificing a 'faun' and I've been saving it up for a suitable occasion.
deird1 From: deird1 Date: July 1st, 2008 10:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is just... wonderful...

...in a really strange way.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
diachrony From: diachrony Date: July 2nd, 2008 05:00 am (UTC) (Link)

Painfully delightful. And oh, poor Mr. Tumnus.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
ayinhara From: ayinhara Date: July 2nd, 2008 05:20 am (UTC) (Link)
Mordor on the dance floor.

Many groans, but the best was last.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2008 06:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
...but you'd better not kill the groove.
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: July 4th, 2008 07:36 am (UTC) (Link)
By now I should know better than to read these while eating or drinking. *runs off to get rag and clean keyboard*
desdemonaspace From: desdemonaspace Date: July 4th, 2008 12:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, Speakr! It was a wonderful day!

I'm in awe of your mad cross-overish skillz. Not having read half of what's mixed hinders my appreciation not at all. :-)
27 comments or speak 2 me