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Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
Ficlet: There's Something About Frodo

Happy birthday to limerickgirl

The War of the Ring was started by beer_good_foamy with this drabble; Everybody Knows Men Never Ask Directions. I retaliated at once with The Only Way To Travel. BGF responded with The Evils of Capitalism. Now the War of the Ring escalates as I strike back with a 500-word ficlet. PG. I’ve embedded a certain YouTube video as a suitable soundtrack for the story.

There’s Something About Frodo

Legolas knelt to examine the tracks. He studied them for a moment, his face grave, and then rose to his feet. He raised his hand to shield his eyes from the sun, stared into the distance, and then shouted out to the Fellowship. “They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard.”

“Gard... gard... gard... gard,” echoed from the slopes of Amon Hen, Amon Lhaw, and Tol Brandir.

The remaining members of the Fellowship all spoke at once. “The hobbits?” “The hobbits?” “The hobbits?” “The hobbits? To Isengard?”

“To Isengard,” Legolas confirmed. “They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard.”

Aragorn’s noble brows creased in a deep frown. “This is grim news indeed. We must follow, for we must not leave our poor comrades to the doubtful mercies of Saruman, and yet I am torn. Frodo and Sam have crossed the river and travel towards Mordor. They too need my aid.”

Poirot raised a finger and caressed his moustache. “A moment, Monsieur Aragorn, and I shall put to work the little grey cells. Ah, I have it. We must divide our forces. You, and the good Legolas and Gimli, shall hasten in pursuit of our abducted hobbits Meriadoc and Peregrine. Me, I would be of little use in such a chase, and neither would Madame Fletcher. My grey cells, and her unrivalled knowledge of Mordor, would be better put to use in the assistance of Monsieur Frodo.”

“Indeed so, Monsieur Poirot,” Jessica Fletcher agreed.

“Your suggestion has merit,” Aragorn agreed, “but will you be safe in the Black Lands alone?”

“I believe that I still retain sufficient knowledge of magic to cope with most eventualities,” Jessica said. “Treguna, Mekoides, Tracorum Satis Dee!”

“And we are not alone,” Poirot pointed out, “for is not the good Captain Hastings always at my side?”

“Rather, old chap,” said Hastings. “My trusty Webley should make short work of Orcs and Ringwraiths.”

“Very well, then, Poirot,” said Aragorn. “Namaarie!”

“Au revoir, mon ami,” replied Poirot.

Thus was it agreed, and thus the Fellowship was sundered, and long would it be ere they would be reunited. On the trail of the orcs Aragorn set out, in great haste, and with him went Legolas of the Sindarin Elves and Gimli of the Dwarves. Over the river paddled Hercule Poirot, and Jessica Fletcher, and the bold Captain Hastings.

Across the wastelands went the detectives, and over the mountains, following after Frodo and Sam. At first the hobbits’ trail was straight, directly towards Mordor, but at length it turned abruptly away. Now they were heading for a solitary peak, standing high above a desolate plain, nowhere near the volcano that should have been their destination.

“I do not comprehend this,” Poirot mused. “What is it that these hobbits do? Have they, perhaps, mistaken their route? Tell me, Madame Fletcher, what is that mountain towards which Monsieur Frodo and his devoted companion are travelling?”

Jessica consulted her maps. “In Elvish it is called Orodrusva N'alaquel,” she told him. “In English that would be ‘Brokeback Mountain’.”

Tags: , , , ,
Current Location: in the darkest depths of Mordor...
Current Music: Erwin Beekveld, "They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard"

24 comments or speak 2 me
gillo From: gillo Date: June 29th, 2008 10:31 am (UTC) (Link)
So, it really was Jessica Fletcher in
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
? Makes sense to me.

And Sam/Frodo slash is nearly canonical after all. (Fram? Sodo?)

Very nice. And groanworthy - but with you that more or less goes without saying.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:19 am (UTC) (Link)
Eglantine Price is obviously an alias.

Thank you!
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: June 29th, 2008 10:32 am (UTC) (Link)
Okay, now you're getting me into trouble at work.

I had a big grin on my face by the time I got to the second paragraph!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:19 am (UTC) (Link)
ffutures From: ffutures Date: June 29th, 2008 10:55 am (UTC) (Link)
Jessica Fletcher - greatest serial killer ever. (you didn't really think it was chance that she was near so many deaths?)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:16 am (UTC) (Link)
It's certainly the simplest explanation for Cabot Cove Syndrome!
limerickgirl From: limerickgirl Date: June 29th, 2008 10:58 am (UTC) (Link)
HEE! Thank you so much for the birthday message!

And holy hellsbells, man, I giggled madly reading that story (with soundtrack!), now I must run back and catch it all from the beginning! Brilliant!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:19 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
From: beer_good_foamy Date: June 29th, 2008 11:02 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh dear. Well, like gillo said, Frodo/Sam couldn't be more canon if Tolkien had stuck in explicit sex scenes.

Seriously, I love the way you worked in the "Hobbits to Isengard" lyrics, and Captain Hastings... yay!

And of course, I've got a reply just about ready.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:20 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! And my reply to your reply is now up...
sammywol From: sammywol Date: June 29th, 2008 11:30 am (UTC) (Link)
OW! owowowowowowowowOW!

Glad to see you are back on form.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:20 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
deird1 From: deird1 Date: June 29th, 2008 11:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Remarkably silly.

Well done!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:20 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
woman_of_ From: woman_of_ Date: June 29th, 2008 01:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh with the two of you, this could become an epic of its own!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:21 am (UTC) (Link)
No doubt it will...
ayinhara From: ayinhara Date: June 29th, 2008 01:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
Adding in Jessica and Hercule with the trusty Hastings, that is too brilliant for words.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:24 am (UTC) (Link)
It was Monsieur Beer Good Foamy (Pour moi, I prefer the sirop de cassis) who brought in Madame Fletcher.
firefly124 From: firefly124 Date: June 29th, 2008 03:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
“Treguna, Mekoides, Tracorum Satis Dee!”


This battle of the ficlets is just awesome!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
spikendru From: spikendru Date: June 29th, 2008 11:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am so loving this Battle of the Drabbles - it makes a wonderfully giggly break from my current Who obsession.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:25 am (UTC) (Link)
You never know - the Doctor might turn up in this yet!
diachrony From: diachrony Date: June 30th, 2008 02:00 am (UTC) (Link)
::coffee spit take::


I'm loving this drabble war.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: June 30th, 2008 10:25 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
24 comments or speak 2 me