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Ficlet: Big Problem for the Small Soldiers - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
Ficlet: Big Problem for the Small Soldiers

Happy birthday to irishrose1

Here is a ficlet that was inspired by a comment that sammywol made about my recent BtVS S5 story April Come She Will. This time it’s not a BtVS story, for once, but is about the movie Small Soldiers. There is one Buffyverse connection, although tenuous; Sarah Michelle Gellar was the voice of one of the Gwendy Dolls. 500 words, rating PG.

Big Problem for the Small Soldiers

Kip Killigan, covert operations specialist, took his cigar out of his mouth and gave an appreciative whistle as Gwendy Doll unhooked her bra and cast it aside. He gazed lecherously at the perfect mounds of her breasts. Too perfect, perhaps, as they lacked a couple of things that would have made them even more enticing and visually attractive; but to a soldier who had been deprived of feminine company for a long time, in fact ever since he was manufactured and packed into his box, they were great hooters.

“Do you like what you see, soldier boy?” Gwendy Doll asked as she unzipped her skirt. Her voice was husky and seductive, her movements fluid and graceful. Upgrading the dolls with copies of the X-1000 chip salvaged from the body of the late Nick Nitro had been a complete success.

“Hoo boy! Oh, yeah!” said Kip Killigan, puffing out his shuriken-bedecked chest. He put his cigar back into his mouth and began to unfasten his vest. Gwendy Doll smiled and dropped her panties.

- - - - -

Major Chip Hazard stood with his hands clasped behind his back and surveyed the scene. It all seemed satisfactory. The Gwendy Dolls would probably need training before they would be fully effective in action against the Gorgonoids, and their human allies, but for the moment they were making a valuable contribution to morale. His men would fight with renewed vigor after this little interval for ‘fraternization’. His habitual scowl softened into a smile for a brief instant before his eyebrows descended and the scowl returned. Specialist Kip Killigan was approaching, a frown on his face, and a partly-dressed Gwendy Doll trailing at his heels with tears visible on her cheeks.

“Is there a problem, soldier?” Major Hazard barked.

“Yes, sir! We have a problem, sir!” Killigan answered. “The Gwendy Dolls, sir.” Killigan paused and swallowed. “Sir, they ain’t, uh, anatomically correct.”

“Oh.” Major Hazard’s eyebrows rose. He focused his gaze on the Gwendy Doll. A curvaceous figure, long legs, and a wide mouth with full red lips. Major Hazard grinned. “That shouldn’t be a problem, soldier. With a little ingenuity any obstacle can be overcome.”

Specialist Killigan followed the major’s gaze. “I see, sir! Thank you, sir!”

“Carry on, Specialist Killigan,” the Major said, but before the soldier could obey the order another member of the Commando Elite approached with an even more pronounced frown on his face.

Major Chip Hazard scowled at the newcomer. It was Butch Meathook, the sniper, and his fatigues were unfastened and hanging loose. The Major opened his mouth to scold Butch for being improperly dressed but then changed his mind. After all, being improperly dressed was the whole point of this exercise. “You have a problem, soldier?”

“Yes, sir! A real big problem, sir,” Butch replied. “About as bad as a problem gets.” He gulped and glanced down at his unfastened combat pants.

“Worse than the girls not being anatomically correct?” asked Killigan.

“Much worse,” Butch Meathook told him. “Neither are we!”

Current Music: Pat Benatar, "Love is a Battlefield"

16 comments or speak 2 me
ffutures From: ffutures Date: April 18th, 2008 11:10 am (UTC) (Link)
Saw that one coming... or rather not coming...
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 19th, 2008 08:19 am (UTC) (Link)
You know me too well.
sammywol From: sammywol Date: April 18th, 2008 11:18 am (UTC) (Link)
OW! I think I have just given myself a hernia trying not to wake the baby by howling with laughter. This is just PERFECTION!. ... Although not of course for the plastic people involved. "*!##@ it! To the plastics factory! Away!"
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 19th, 2008 08:56 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! Glad you liked it.
deird1 From: deird1 Date: April 18th, 2008 01:29 pm (UTC) (Link)

I remember that movie. It was extremely fun, but it never occurred to me that someone could fic it. Especially not like that...

Well done!

*running off to add to mems*
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 19th, 2008 08:58 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

I have an idea for a sequel, although it will probably be quite a while before I write it.
gillo From: gillo Date: April 18th, 2008 07:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh the poor boys and girls! That was funny!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 19th, 2008 08:58 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
irishrose1 From: irishrose1 Date: April 18th, 2008 10:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes. It britened my day!
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: April 19th, 2008 04:41 am (UTC) (Link)
I'll bet that revelation struck a blow to morale!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 19th, 2008 09:00 am (UTC) (Link)
Indeed. Their planned R&R will have to just be R.
curiouswombat From: curiouswombat Date: April 19th, 2008 10:38 am (UTC) (Link)
Or possibly just PG or 13.....
From: basilio_the_cat Date: April 19th, 2008 08:24 am (UTC) (Link)
:D :D

This solution was quite obvious, but I didn't see it until I fell upon it.

Well done! :D
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 19th, 2008 09:00 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
From: blackrosebard Date: April 19th, 2008 02:29 pm (UTC) (Link)

That was absolutely hilarious!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 19th, 2008 03:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
16 comments or speak 2 me