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Ficlet: A Fistful of Trolls - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
Ficlet: A Fistful of Trolls
Yet another of the ‘Where did Olaf the Troll go?’ ficlets. 750 words this time, rated R for violence. The crossover fandom should be fairly obvious…

A Fistful of Trolls

The Man with No Name narrowed his eyes and shifted his cheroot to the corner of his mouth. "See, my mule don't like people laughing,” he said. “He gets the crazy idea you're laughing at him. Now, if you apologize, like I know you're going to, I might just convince him you really didn't mean it."

The four gunfighters’ eyes widened. They cowered away. One turned and fled headlong, crying out “El Diablo!” A second one followed suit. The panic spread and in seconds all four were running as if for their lives.

The Man with No Name frowned and blew out a cloud of cigar smoke. Their reaction was not what he would have expected. He pondered the unexpected flight of the gunmen for a moment and then he became aware of an odd sound from behind him. A munching, slurping, sound. He flipped up his serape to clear his gun-butt and turned around.

The mule was no longer at the hitching post. Instead a huge man stood there. A man with long red hair, green skin, and horns on his head. He was holding a haunch of bloody meat in one huge hand. “The mule was delicious,” he said, and spat out a hoof.

The Man with No Name pushed back his hat. “You ate my mule?”

“I was hungry,” the stranger said. “I shall recompense you with silver, white haired one, for I can see that you are a true warrior. I am Olaf, mightiest of trolls.”

“Around here they call me Joe,” said the Man with No Name. “You got silver?”

Olaf pulled a bracelet from a pouch and tossed it to the gunfighter. “I have. Yet I have not great store, Joe, and must obtain more. What wars and battles are there in this place that might gain me plunder?”

“Right now, none,” said the Man with No Name, “but I think that’s going to change. The Rojos on one side of town, the Baxters on the other, and me right in the middle. Things could get mighty interesting.”

“That is good,” said Olaf. He belched. “I am thirsty. Where can I get ale?”

“Come on over to the cantina,” the Man with No Name invited. “I don’t know about ale, but they got whisky. And there might be a pretty señorita or two.”

Olaf beamed. “We can drink and make merry sport with the señoritas,” he said, and then his eyes narrowed. His arm whipped back and he threw the bloody leg bone with tremendous speed.

The Man with No Name spun around, his Colt coming out as he turned, and three shots crashed out in rapid succession. The four gunmen had been creeping back towards them with drawn pistols. One was struck by the mule haunch and sent hurtling back against a hitching rail with such force that the thick wood was shattered. The other three reeled under the impacts of bullets and fell dead in the street.

“You fight well,” Olaf boomed approvingly. He strode over to the man who had been hit by his throw and picked up his fallen Colt. The troll tried to fit his finger through the trigger guard and failed. “Puny thing,” he grunted, and hurled the revolver to the ground hard enough to smash the cylinder from the frame. He picked up a five foot section of broken hitching rail and hefted it. “This is a weapon more fitting for a troll. It shall do until I can find a hammer or an axe.”

“You could maybe do with something with a mite of range,” the Man with No Name suggested, and then he realized that the man hit by the thrown meat was just as dead as the ones who had been shot. “Or maybe not.”

Olaf stooped and retrieved the cylinder from the shattered Colt. “This shall serve as a throwing weapon for the time being. Now, show me to the cantina. My throat is parched.”

The two warriors walked back up the dusty street. On the way they passed the coffin maker. “I said three coffins,” the Man with No Name remarked. “My mistake. Four coffins.”

The coffin maker raised an eyebrow at the troll. “Perhaps,” he suggested, “I should prepare another of enormous size.”

The Man with No Name grinned. “Nope, don’t think so,” he said. “Might be an idea if you make a start on some mass production, though. Just how many of the Rojos and the Baxters are there anyway?”

Tags: ,
Current Location: Isle of Man
Current Music: Theme music by Ennio Morricone

35 comments or speak 2 me
confusedkayt From: confusedkayt Date: August 2nd, 2006 03:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Perhaps the best thing ever. :) These Olaf the Troll vignettes have all rocked my world, but this one is my personal favorite, if only due to weakness for westerns.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 2nd, 2006 08:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Why thank you, ma'am.
zanthinegirl From: zanthinegirl Date: August 2nd, 2006 03:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yikes, I'm going to have that theme music taking over my brain all morning and it's all your fault!

Though you did make major points by killing the bad guy with the mule part! Hee!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 2nd, 2006 08:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
hurry_sundown From: hurry_sundown Date: August 2nd, 2006 04:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hee! I don't always get to dip into these, Speaker, but this one is wondrous. I loves me some Spaghetti Westerns. And everything seems to be better with a little(?) troll thrown in.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 2nd, 2006 08:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! There will be two sequels...
hesadevil From: hesadevil Date: August 2nd, 2006 04:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh my, Olaf and MWNN together in a Speakr Special. This has to be my favourite, even though Olaf ate the mule.

I think I'm behind on my reading, there's one I didn't get to yesterday. Off to bookmark it lest I forget.
curiouswombat From: curiouswombat Date: August 2nd, 2006 08:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
Did Olaf tag along when you went to Italy? Why did you not mention him? Are there pictures? Curious minds want to know!
woman_of_ From: woman_of_ Date: August 2nd, 2006 04:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
I so love the "Man with no name" films, and this was really tickling my funny bone. Well done
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 2nd, 2006 08:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, ma'am.
ringthebells From: ringthebells Date: August 2nd, 2006 04:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
Olaf seems to fit in rather well in this reality!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 2nd, 2006 08:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yup, sure does, pardner.
ayinhara From: ayinhara Date: August 2nd, 2006 08:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
Olaf works well in spaghetti western land. You need to try him out in a samurai flick, if you haven't already done that. How about one of the Mifune comic ones that the spaghetti western movies were copying, for example: Yojimbo (basis for A Fistful of Dollars or Sanjuro?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 2nd, 2006 08:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think that I'll leave Samurai movies alone considering that I'm pillaging them (although not burning their crops) for 'Dojo Hard'.
makd From: makd Date: August 2nd, 2006 08:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, but I love these Olaf adventures.

Will he be traveling into outer space? Be interesting to have him meet Yoda...;-)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 2nd, 2006 08:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Troll you are. Merry sport make you, more attractive Jedi with.
ffutures From: ffutures Date: August 2nd, 2006 09:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
Why is this the only Man With No Name fanfic I've ever seen? You'd think it'd be a natural! Loved it!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 2nd, 2006 10:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! There will, of course, be two sequels...
evilawyer From: evilawyer Date: August 3rd, 2006 03:27 am (UTC) (Link)
I had no idea Olaf understood Spanish!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 3rd, 2006 03:35 am (UTC) (Link)
He magically understood English on his emergence from the jar, despite it post-dating his human life by five hundred years.
cbtreks From: cbtreks Date: August 5th, 2006 04:02 am (UTC) (Link)
Jawbone of an ass, hindquarter of a mule... I bet Olaf and Samson would get along just fine.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 5th, 2006 06:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hmmm. That's a thought...
timeofchange From: timeofchange Date: August 5th, 2006 12:54 pm (UTC) (Link)

Blanket review...

These Troll stories are things of beauty.

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 5th, 2006 06:41 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Blanket review...

Thank you, puny human.
pinkdormouse From: pinkdormouse Date: August 13th, 2006 08:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 13th, 2006 08:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
35 comments or speak 2 me