I'm struggling dreadfully with the next chapter of "It's Got to be Perfect", so I took a break and knocked up something else along the lines of my recent "J R R Tolkien's 'Debt of Honor'".
Conan the Barbarian’s Diary
Hyborian Age Year of the Hyrax day 121
Trod jewelled throne of Tlazitlan beneath my sandaled feet. Feasted on boar’s flesh and roast plantains (2,700 calories). Shagged Valeria. Tascela interested in me, kidnapped Valeria. Had to rescue her, fought to the death against Olmec. Got high on Black Lotus. Wish they’d hurry up and invent cigarettes. Wine not bad. Shagged Valeria again.
Hyborian Age Year of the Camel day 218
Trod jewelled throne of Keshan beneath my sandaled feet. Involved in plot to steal Teeth of Gwalhur. Thukmetri plotted against me to steal gems for himself. Frigging office politics! Still no-one has invented cigarettes. Feasted on roast camel and rice (1970 calories). Shagged Muriela. Fought Gwarunga. Battled sub-human Servants of Bit-Yakin. Shagged Muriela again. No Black Lotus, wine thin and bitter. Teeth of Gwalhur fell in roaring torrent. Crom! Still not rich.
Hyborian Age Year of the Ptarmigan day 31
In land of the Picts. Cold weather for loincloth, had to put on wolfskin, no chance to show of oiled pectorals. Bugger. No jewelled thrones to tread beneath my sandaled feet. Trod wooden throne of Picts beneath sandaled feet, not the same somehow. Made friends with Balthus. Slew Pictish shaman Zogar Sag. Didn’t shag anybody. Feasted on haggis and neeps (2430 calories). No wine, local distilled liquor actually rather good. Cigarettes? Don’t ask.
Hyborian Age Year of the Badger day 121
Trod jewelled throne of Aquilonia beneath my sandaled feet. This is more like it! Showed off oiled pectorals, was anointed King. Slew other contenders for throne. Shagged harem girls. Feasted on roast venison and cabbage (2230 calories). Wine good, imported Pictish distilled liquor available. Instructed Court Wizards to get cracking on inventing cigarettes. Had mirrors installed in Throne Room to better display oiled pectorals. Prime Minister says I should get a Queen. Shagged harem girls again while I thought about it. Decided to become a legend. Royal Astrologer says one day Renée Zellweger will portray me in magic lantern show. She’ll have to put on a lot of weight and might give audience entirely wrong impression of oiled pectorals. Was hoping for Vin Diesel or The Rock.