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Bite Me - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
Bite Me
My writing has not gone at all well the past few days. I've tried to get something done on 'Tabula Avatar', on 'Dojo Hard', and on 'Love Potion Number 9', and everything I've come up with has sucked. Eventually I gave up and did something completely different. Something insane even by my standards.

This is the S3 sequel to my S2 Spuffy fic ‘The Hounds of Love’. Graduation Day Part 2, after a Season 3 that took place without Angel (who moved to Los Angeles with Dru at the end of the previous story), and no Faith. Kendra visited a few times to help out.

This is the same story told in two different ways. First, a conventional narrative in prose; second, a doggerel poem, or perhaps a filk as it is based on the lyrics of a song. Young people and Americans probably won’t recognize the song but it will be very familiar to all Brits of a certain age. Possibly the strangest song ever to feature on ‘Top of the Pops’, it made number 5 in the UK Top 40 in 1977. I’ve put the two versions under two separate cuts. First the prose, then the poem. Read them in whichever order you like. Just don’t take them seriously.

Prose version: 2,385 words. Rating PG.

Bite Me


“Well, personally I don’t think it’s possible to come up with a crazier plan,” Cordelia stated.

“We attack the Mayor with humus,” Oz deadpanned.

Cordelia rolled her eyes. “I stand corrected.”

“Just trying to keep things in perspective,” Oz said.

“Well, crazy or not, I guess it’s pretty much all we’ve got,” Cordelia went on.

“Hang on a minute,” Spike put in. “I have a cunning plan. Bit of a twist on Buffy’s idea.”

Giles took off his glasses. “Now, why do the words ‘I have a cunning plan’ fill me with a sense of dread?”

“Don’t worry, it doesn’t involve turnips,” Spike assured him. “Goes like this.” He spent a couple of minutes explaining his plan. “’Course, it depends on if the witches can do it,” he finished.

Jenny smiled. She cast her eyes over her little coven; Willow, Amy, and Michael. “I think we can do it, yes,” she told Spike.

Buffy gave her boyfriend an eye-roll and a light punch on the shoulder. “Want to know my opinion, Spike? I think the humus plan is looking really good.”

- - - - -


Mayor Wilkins stood at the podium and surveyed the rows of students. All neat and shiny and clean in their gowns and graduation caps. All soon to die.

He allowed his unctuous smile to slip briefly and glared at two students who were only just taking their seats. Unpunctuality was sloppy and impolite. Also, he recognized those particular students. The little red-haired witch and her werewolf boyfriend. Members of the group that had been actively working against him for the past year. Friends of the Slayer and of Spike.

The Mayor frowned. There was the Slayer, next to where the witch had taken her seat, and she was smiling. Odd. Spike should be dead by now, after suffering untold agonies, slain by the Killer of the Dead. One would have thought that the Slayer would have shown signs of grief. Either her rumored affection for the vampire had been grossly overstated, or she had found some way to save him from his well-deserved fate. It was said that a massive ingestion of a Slayer’s blood could neutralize the exotic poison. Yes, there was a Band-Aid on the side of the Slayer’s neck. Still, if she had donated sufficient blood to heal Spike, then she would be drastically weakened. Too weak to fight her way out through the vampire forces that would be appearing shortly to block any avenue of escape for the students. Perhaps the best possible outcome.

Wilkins realized that he was the focus of puzzled looks from some of the parents and teachers, especially from Principal Snyder, and he put aside his thoughts about the Slayer and her vampire boyfriend. They were a mere side issue. It was time to deliver his speech, and then to Ascend. And to feed.

- - - - -


The Mayor droned on through his speech. Students fidgeted in their chairs. “Oh, man, he’s gonna do the entire speech!” Buffy complained, sotto voce.

“Yeah, just ascend already,” Willow urged.

A tinge of black began to show at the edge of the sun. The daylight began to fade. The students’ hands began to creep down the sides of their chairs towards the poles that lay in the grass beside each seat. Some of the parents and teachers looked up at the sun with expressions of surprise and confusion on their faces. There had been no warnings in the media about any eclipse of the sun.

The Mayor stumbled on a word. He jerked, twitched, and grunted. He forced out a few more words and then the sun was blotted out completely. The Mayor hunched over in pain and then straightened up. “It has begun,” he announced. “My destiny. It's a little sooner than I expected. I had this whole section on civic pride.” He tossed aside his cue cards. “But I guess we'll just skip to the big finish.”

His face contorted in apparent agony and then began to distort and swell. He grew. His suit split apart and the Mayor’s body burst out. Skin darkened and changed color, becoming a reptilian slate grey, and limbs atrophied. The creature that the Mayor was becoming towered higher and higher above the campus. Some of the parents and teachers screamed. Some stood up and cowered away.

Xander stood up. He raised the wooden pole that had lain beside his seat. It was ten feet long and sharpened to a needle point. “For God, for Sunnydale, and for Spike,” he yelled.

The graduating students rose as one from their chairs and a hundred improvised pikes were brandished. “For God, for Sunnydale, and for Spike,” they chorused. They filed out of the rows of chairs with spears held vertically.

“Percy’s line, protect the parents,” Xander ordered. “Larry’s line, to the rear.” Rank after rank of students took up their places as Xander shouted commands.

Willow, Oz, Amy, and Michael ran along parallel to Percy’s file of spear carriers and joined Jenny and Giles. The witches began to chant. Giles opened a large wooden box that had been sitting on the ground beside the teacher’s seats. From it he withdrew two automatic rifles, formerly the property of the two German demon hunters who had come to Sunnydale to participate in Slayerfest ’98, and handed one to Oz. He raised the other to his shoulder and took up the slack on the trigger. A red dot appeared on Mayor Wilkin’s massive reptilian head but Giles held his fire for a moment. Another wavering red dot appeared on the demon’s body as Oz activated his laser sight.

Then the snake body swayed forward and loomed over the teachers and parents. Thirty spears were thrust upwards to form a defensive wall bristling with points. Giles pulled his trigger and a stream of 7.62 mm bullets ripped into the demon’s skull. Another hail of bullets from Oz’s rifle followed. Wilkins recoiled in pain and confusion. Giles and Oz ceased fire; they had only one magazine each and needed to conserve their ammunition.

Spike climbed out of the box wielding a sword. He turned his head to grin at Giles. Michael’s head turned in exact synchronicity with Spike’s and an identical grin appeared on his face. Amy’s fingers moved in a circle; Spike’s sword described the same circle. Jenny continued to chant. Willow pointed two fingers at the ground and made walking movements. Michael’s lips moved.

Principal Snyder left the relatively safe area protected by Percy’s force and the two rifles. He cast one furious glance over his shoulder at Giles and then strode towards the Mayor. “This is not orderly,” he scolded the creature. “This is not discipline. You’re on my campus, buddy, and-” His voice was cut off short as the beast swooped down, ignoring two short bursts of automatic fire, and seized the Principal in its jaws.

Spike advanced towards the immense Mayor Wilkins demon as it reared back into the air, raised its head, and swallowed Snyder. “Oi, Hissing Sid!” Spike shouted. “Think you’re tough? Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough!”

Wilkins gulped down the Principal and stared down at the puny vampire who was daring to challenge an Ascended Demon. He rotated his mighty head and looked at the empty seats where the students, his intended feast, had sat. They had all gone. His army of vampires had duly arrived to block their escape, as ordered, but the solid pike phalanx that was marching down the steps to confront them would be hard for vampires to breach or impede. They were not rushing to hurl themselves against the ranks of wooden points. Wilkins had to face the possibility that some of the students would escape. He lunged downwards to seize the closest source of vital food; the vampire.

The demon jaws engulfed Spike. There was a muffled cry of ‘Bloody hell!’ and Wilkins reared into the air once more. A pair of jeans-clad legs protruded from the enormous mouth, kicking in futile struggle, moving in exact time with the wiggling of Willow’s fingers.

Buffy took surprisingly little notice of her boyfriend’s fate. She occupied herself in ripping the legs from one of the folding chairs to make two stakes. She took one in each hand and moved down the slope to protect the flank of the advancing phalanx of student pikemen.

The vampires were hesitating, reluctant to hurl themselves onto the menacing rows of wooden points, but eventually a leader managed to whip them into order and drive them forwards. “Would you rather face a bunch of kids or the Mayor?” he yelled, gesturing towards the mighty demon who was gulping down the renegade vampire Spike. “Attack! Push them back! Remember, no feeding.”

The vampires charged. Several of them ran headlong onto the pikes and burst into dust. Some of the more intelligent ones tried to avoid the long weapons and to attack from the side. Buffy rushed to intercept them and her stakes licked out with deadly effect.

Two new figures arrived on the scene, running up behind the vampires at more than human speed. One was a girl. The ‘flesh-colored’ Band-Aid on her neck stood out plainly against her chocolate brown skin. She rammed a wavy stake of tropical wood through the back of the vampire leader and withdrew it quickly as her victim dusted. “Jes’ run away now, mon,” she advised the vampires. “We got two Slayers. No waitin’, jes’ Slayin’.”

The other new arrival struck out with a sword. He sliced through a vampire’s neck and the decapitated monster burst apart. “Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough,” he challenged happily.

The Wilkins monster swung its head around to stare in that direction. A bulge in its throat showed where the body of Spike had reached. Except that Spike was in plain sight, sword slicing and dicing, carving his way through the vampire ranks from behind. The demon’s eyes widened.

Xander grinned and put his thumb on the button of his detonator. “Bye bye Mister Mayor,” he said. He pressed down.

The fake Spike inside the Mayor was a clothes shop mannequin, with a glamour cast upon it by Jenny, which had been animated and controlled by Willow, Amy, and Michael. Within its body was packed eight sticks of dynamite and sixty pounds of mixed fertilizer and diesel oil. The explosion blew the demon’s neck apart and sent the demon’s head soaring through the air to smash against the wall of the school building. The gigantic serpentine body writhed briefly and then toppled like a tree.

It fell directly towards the parents and teachers. Screams rang out yet again. Giles dived to sweep Jenny to safety, his outspread arms gathering up Michael as well. Oz cast aside his rifle and grabbed for Willow. Amy ducked down under the chairs, the words of a spell to transform herself into a rat trembling on the tip of her tongue.

Percy acted decisively. He aimed his spear upwards to take the impact and dropped the butt to the ground as a brace. The other students under his command rushed to follow suit. The giant snake torso crashed down onto the pole and impaled itself. It slid down the wooden shaft, the speed of its fall slowed but not stopped, and then three other poles pressed against it and slowed its fall still further. More students added their poles to the supporting structure and the serpent body halted. The poles held it up as if it were some grisly tent.

The parents, teachers, and witches scrambled away out from under the snake. “Thanks, Percy,” Willow called to the jock. “That was quick thinking.”

Percy grinned. “It’s all in the reflexes.”

At the bottom of the stairs the surviving vampires were starting to fall back. Kendra started to move to cut them off but Spike put out his arm to stop her.

“Let them go, love,” he advised. “No point in keeping the fight going. Might get some of the kids hurt.”

Kendra pouted but saw the sense of his statement. “Alright, mon,” she agreed. “I get dem later, Mister Spike.”

“Yeah, you do that,” Spike said. He looked up at the sky. “That’s if Mister Sunshine doesn’t do it for you. Bet the eclipse will end soon now the Mayor’s lost his head. Think I’d better head for the shadows. See you, pet.”

Buffy withdrew her stake from the body of a vampire who had almost made it into the vulnerable side of the pike formation. She glanced around, saw that the vampire menace was dispersing, and also saw that Spike was looking anxiously at the sky. “You’d better go, Spike,” she called. “Meet you at the Bronze later, ‘kay?”

“Yeah, see you later, Buffy,” Spike replied. “Love you.” He turned and walked off quickly into the shadows.

- - - - -


“Well, that was about as much fun as you can have without, you know, actually having any fun,” Cordelia said. “I kinda thought that, if we were re-enacting ‘El Cid’, I’d get to be Sophia Loren.”

“Uh, Cordy, that would have meant me being the dead guy,” Xander pointed out. “Spike fits the part of El Cid so much better, on account of already being dead, you know?”

“I guess,” Cordelia conceded. “I like you better alive.” She bent her mouth to Xander’s ear and whispered.

Xander went red and squirmed in his chair. “You mean it?”

“Well, yeah,” Cordelia confirmed. “I love you, Xander Harris.”

“Two minutes, Oz,” Devon called from the stage.

“Okay,” Oz called back. He planted a kiss on the palm of Willow’s hand.

Willow blushed. “Love you.” She turned to Buffy. “Are you gonna be okay with your mom out of town, Buff?”

Buffy disentangled herself from Spike. “I’m good. I’m planning on going to bed for a week, though.”

“That tired?” Willow asked.

“Uh, no,” Buffy said. Spike smirked.

Oz released Willow’s hand and stood up. “Guys, take a moment to deal with this,” he said. “We survived.”

“Yeah, it was a hell of a battle, but we all made it,” Xander agreed. “Two broken arms, one guy bitten but he’s gonna make it, and that’s it. Well, except for Snyder, and hey, see me not caring.”

“Not the battle,” Oz said. “High School.”

The End




Filk version: 650 words. Rating PG-13.

Captain Buffy and her Band


The bravest Scoobies in the land
Are Buffy Summers and her band
That's Willow, Oz, Cordy and Xander,
Giles and Jenny, Spike, and Kendra.
Patrolling graveyards after dark
And staking vampires in the park.

The evil Mayor planned to Ascend
And bring about the students’ end.
He would become a great big snake
Fifty yards long, too huge to stake.

Said Rupert Giles, “We'll lie in wait
And one of us will be the bait.”
Said Buffy Summers, “Have no fear!
For I alone will volunteer!”

Said Oz, “I have a cunning plan
Attack the Mayor with humus, man.”
“That’s stupid, Oz,” Cordelia said
I think we’re gonna wind up dead.

I vote you take him on alone,
Werewolf, right? So don’t you moan.
And when you've overcome resistance,
We'll rush along to your assistance."

Said Xander, “Hey, I’ve had a thought!
Why don’t we use this bomb I’ve brought?
I took it from a zombie fool
Who wanted to blow up the school.”

Said Willow, “Hey, that plan’s not dumb
It would work best inside his tum.
But how can we get him to bite
On several pounds of dynamite?”

Said Giles, “The rest of us hold back
There’s one of us he’ll first attack.”
Said Spike, “Pray tell us who is that?”
“That’s you,” Giles told him. “William Pratt.”

As Richard Wilkins made his speeches
In front of all the kids and teachers
Buffy Summers and her friends
All had poles with sharpened ends

The magical eclipse began
And Wilkins ceased to be a man.
An ancient demon, long and thick
Richard became a giant dick.

As Wilkins turned into a snake
Each student held up a big stake
“For God, for Sunnydale, and Spike”
They shouted. “Wilkins, take a hike!”

The darkness blotted out the sun
So Spike could come and join the fun.
“Oi! Wilkins! So you think you’re tough?
Have a go, if you’re hard enough.”

The vampires closed in from the rear
So Xander pointed with his spear
The students formed up in tight ranks
And charged the vampires in a phalanx

With Mister Pointy in her hand
Kendra joined the student band
The vampires backed away, afraid
Of the Caribbean Slayer maid.

Behind them, where they’d left the teachers,
Wilkins rampaged through the bleachers
And only Spike stood in his way
Waving his sword and shouting “Hey!”

The Mayor ate Snyder as a snack
Then dived down to make his attack
His giant jaws were gaping wide
With massive teeth revealed inside

Said Giles “Oh dear. It’s going wrong
The Mayor snake is just too strong.
This isn’t what Buffy would like;
Hissing Sid has swallowed Spike!”

Wilkins paused a while to gloat
As Spike was halfway down his throat
But then he saw the bleached blond hair
Of our heroic Blondie Bear

Wilkins guessed that he’d been tricked
As deep inside him something clicked.
The Spike he’d swallowed was illusion
He squirmed around in his confusion.

Willow and Jenny had done magic
For Wilkins this was really tragic
He shouldn’t have been such a glutton!
Xander pressed the detonator button.

The bomb within the fake Spike dummy
Went off inside the Mayor’s tummy.
It was a blast, he lost his head,
Ding dong, the wicked Mayor is dead.

Some vampires died at push of pike
And some of them were killed by Spike
And there were those that Buffy slew
Harmony even killed a few!

So Graduation Day went well
The evil Mayor went off to Hell
His henchmen all got terminated
And then the students graduated.

They partied at the Bronze till one
And everybody had such fun.
They drank, they danced, the Dingoes played,
And even Jonathan got laid.

The bravest Scoobies in the land
Are Buffy Summers and her band
That's Willow, Oz, Cordy and Xander,
Giles and Jenny, Spike, and Kendra.
Patrolling graveyards after dark
And staking vampires in the park.

The End


The characters in this story do not belong to me, but are being used for amusement only and all rights remain with Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the writers of the original episodes, and the TV and production companies responsible for the original television shows. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ©2002 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All Rights Reserved. The Buffy the Vampire Slayer trademark is used without express permission from Fox. The poem ‘Captain Buffy and her Band’ is based on ‘Captain Beaky’ by Jeremy Lloyd that was set to music by Jim Parker and is part of the album ‘Captain Beaky & His Band (Not Forgetting Hissing Sid!!!)’.

Tags:
Current Mood: crazy crazy
Current Music: Keith Michel, "Captain Beaky and his Band"

22 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
makd From: makd Date: May 15th, 2006 04:46 am (UTC) (Link)
Love the poem and the prose! just delightful, 'though I haven't the foggiest idea about the whole Jeremy Lloyd/Jim Parker, etc. that you posted in the disclaimer.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 16th, 2006 05:07 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

Captain Beaky did reach the USA to some extent; there was a ballet version performed by the New York Ballet. Probably long before your time.
zanthinegirl From: zanthinegirl Date: May 15th, 2006 04:56 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't know the poem/ song, but the story was deeply cute! I liked the filk, too. Heh!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 16th, 2006 05:07 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
adriana_is From: adriana_is Date: May 15th, 2006 05:50 am (UTC) (Link)
okay, I have NO idea who Captain Beaky and his Band are (you know, clueless mexican american here) but I loved the story and I loved the Filk. Glad that you're having fun with the muse.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 16th, 2006 05:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
evilawyer From: evilawyer Date: May 15th, 2006 06:53 am (UTC) (Link)
Okay, I don't know the song, but do I spy something related to Blackadder with the cunning plan and turnips? Did the Blackadder writers bogart these "topics" from somewhere in their youths? Now, back to finish reading (yes, I prematurely ejacul... spewed forth my questions.)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 16th, 2006 05:10 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

No, the Blackadder references are separate to the Captain Beaky references. In the original song Batty Bat had a "wheeze" and Artful Owl had a "plan" but nobody had a Cunning Plan.
ffutures From: ffutures Date: May 15th, 2006 06:55 am (UTC) (Link)
Nice! Not a huge filk fan, but the plan was good, a bit more thought out than the big medieval battle in the real episode. Incidentally, who shot Spike with the poison if Faith wasn't there? One of Wilkins' minions?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 16th, 2006 05:19 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

Actually I treated this more like a medieval battle than the original episode did; I was inspired by years of medieval wargaming and by the El Cid theme that ran through The Hounds of Love. Also I was sure that quite a few of the characters would have seen Braveheart.

In my skeletal outline for this universe's version of S3 Mr Trick lived longer than he did in the show and it was he who shot Spike - and was subsequently slain by Buffy. Although really it could have been any minion.
spikereader From: spikereader Date: May 15th, 2006 11:58 am (UTC) (Link)
As a Brit old enough to remember Captain Beaky I went straight for the filk version, and then filled in the gaps with the prose version - a good way round to do it I think. This seemed like a much more efficient way of dealing with the Mayor, and I loved both tellings.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 16th, 2006 05:20 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

The filk actually came first and originally I wasn't going to do a prose version.
gillo From: gillo Date: May 15th, 2006 09:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh good grief. Hissing Sid!!! I have tried so hard to forget him, and very nearly succeeded till this.

Wonderful story, though.

And even Jonathan got laid. Hee.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 16th, 2006 05:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

I've thought of the Ascended Mayor as Hissing Sid for years and that triggered the whole thing.
gillo From: gillo Date: May 16th, 2006 04:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
I've thought of the Ascended Mayor as Hissing Sid for years and that triggered the whole thing.

And thanks to you I will now never be able to think of him as anything else. Keith Michell has a lot to answer for.
debxena From: debxena Date: May 15th, 2006 09:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
That was most excellent. Thoroughly enjoyed it!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 16th, 2006 05:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
enigmaticblues From: enigmaticblues Date: May 15th, 2006 11:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
LMHO! Too great.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 16th, 2006 05:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
cbtreks From: cbtreks Date: May 27th, 2006 05:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Way to save the day Spike! Nice seeing graduation have a happy ending for everyone and Miss Calendar still there. (And no vamped Harmony - that just changes the whole last season of Angel. Speaking of whom - didn't miss him. *g*)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 27th, 2006 08:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

The whole of Angel the Series would be completely different in the KateBushVerse as Drusilla is souled and with him in LA. Wesley never came to Sunnydale, Cordelia probably won't go to LA, and Doyle isn't needed because Drusilla's a Seer anyway. The DoubleFang Gang will be pretty different to the Fang Gang.

I might write a fic starring them someday.
talesofspike From: talesofspike Date: June 25th, 2006 09:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
If i say you're insane, you know I mean that in a nice way, right?
22 comments or speak 2 me