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Dojo Hard Part 7 - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
Dojo Hard Part 7
A change of pace from ‘Tabula Avatar’; as promised, another chapter of the insane ‘all the Buffyverse characters are in 17th Century Japan’ story ‘Dojo Hard’. Now with an icon and gorgeous banner by Chopstickshunny, adapted from a manip with which she won second place at the manippers ‘Eastern Challenge’.

Exactly 2,000 words. Rating R. Previous parts are HERE.

Dojo Hard Part 7

Gradually the numbness that had filled Buffy, as she watched the building burning to the ground with Chopstick inside, faded. She put aside her qualms about Angel’s gloating and reminded herself that Chopstick had been a deadly enemy, however entertaining and charismatic he might have been, and Angel had every right to celebrate his death. By the time they got back to the castle she had shrugged the feelings off and was happy again, giggling under the influence of the gin, and content to walk hand in hand with the Lord High Executioner.

“We must tell the Shogun the good news,” Angel said. “The death of Chopstick will bring him much happiness and he will no doubt shower favors upon me. Uh, that is, on us.”

“We didn’t actually see him die,” Buffy pointed out. “Maybe we should kinda hold back on the announcement thing?”

“He couldn’t have survived, so he is as good as dead,” Angel declared. “Practically, he is dead. And if he is dead, why not say so?”

Buffy’s brow furrowed. There was a flaw in that logic somewhere but she was too drunk to see it. “I guess so. Okay, let’s go see the Shogun.”

Chamberlain Snyder blocked their path. “No visitors for the Shogun,” he told them. “He is in a meeting.”

“Defer to the Lord High Executioner,” Angel commanded.

Snyder sniffed. “Huh. Why should I defer to you? A street thug taken from the County Jail by a set of curious chances. Liberated then on bail, on your own recognizances, and contracted into the Shogun’s service against my advice. It’s not like your career has been all that glittering. You didn’t even succeed in destroying the Dread Judge like you claimed you had. I’m going to recommend that the Shogun strip you of your Lord High Executioner post as you got it under false pretences.”

“The Dread Judge has now been destroyed once and for all,” Angel announced. “Is that not so, Buffy-chan?”

Buffy frowned. “I guess so,” she confirmed. “Only, she was a nice girl and on our side, so that’s not really of the good.”

“The point is that she is gone,” Angel said. “More to the point our most feared enemy, the villainous Chopstick, has also perished. The Shogun must hear this news.”

“I’ll let him know,” Snyder said.

“Hey, we killed him, we get to tell Giles-sama,” Buffy protested. “He’ll want to know right away.”

“Out of the way, Chamberlain, or I shall sentence you to death for obstruction,” Angel commanded, his hand going to the hilt of his mighty Ôdachi.

Snyder glared at him but moved aside.

Angel strode on into the castle, pulling a slightly wobbly Buffy along behind him, and entered the Shogun’s apartments.

Giles had a guest. He was sharing tea with a beautiful woman. Jenny Calendar, who taught the use of the abacus, and who was also Willow’s instructor in the Shugenza magic arts. He tore his gaze away from the neckline of Jenny’s kimono and frowned at the intruders. “This had better be important or I’m going to get rather cross with you.”

“Good news, oh Shogun,” Angel announced. “Chopstick is dead.”

“Ah, yes, that is rather pleasant news,” Giles agreed. “Your intrusion is forgiven. Did you slay him personally?”

“I oversaw his death,” Angel claimed.

Buffy frowned. “Hey! What about me throwing him onto the zither? You were all, like, tied up at the time. And it was Drusilla who set the place on fire.”

“Buffy played a part in it too,” Angel conceded. “I baited the trap and Chopstick fell into it. Now he is dead.”

“You’ve all done very well,” Giles beamed. “It’s pleasant to receive such good news. It makes up for the large disappointment that I’ve just suffered.”

“Miss Calendar not putting out for you, huh?” Buffy muttered under her breath.

“I’ve had a communication from the organizing committee of the Kanamara penis festival,” Giles went on. “They don’t want me to be one of the judges this year.”

“No penises? That sucks,” Buffy said. “Uh, I mean that must be quite a blow.”

“Yes,” said Giles, “I’ve been dismissed from the Council of Wankers.”

- - - - -

Drusilla laid Chopstick down on a futon. “Rest, Chopstick-san,” she bade him. “You will feel better again in time.”

“Not if my sodding back’s broken, Dru-chan,” Chopstick pointed out. “Get me a doctor, love.”

“Later,” Drusilla promised. “There’s something more important that I have to do first.”

“More important?” Chopstick echoed unbelievingly. “More important than fixing my back?”

“Oh, yes, Chopstick-san,” Dru said. “Now is the time to strike. To run and catch while the lamb is caught in the blackberry patch. Time to bring our Sensei back to us.”

Chopstick’s brow furrowed. “What, you’re going to use his blood to fix me up?”

“Of course not, silly,” Drusilla smiled. She leaned over him and for a moment he thought that she was going to drop a kiss on his forehead but instead she just wrinkled her nose. “All broken. No use to me any more. All you can do is think up stupid haiku. Bye bye.” Drusilla walked away leaving Chopstick staring after her in bewilderment.

“Dru-chan! Come back!” Chopstick called. Drusilla opened the door, walked out, and slammed the door shut behind her. He raised himself up onto his elbows and shouted. “Dru-chan! You can’t just leave me like this! At least send Dalton to me.” Chopstick called again and again but there was no response. Eventually Chopstick accepted that he had been abandoned and sank back onto the futon. “What the hell is she up to?” he wailed. “I looked after her for bloody years and she’s just tossed me aside? I don’t get it.”

“Hey, man, keep the noise down.” A small man with tousled reddish hair padded into the room on bare feet. “Some of us are trying to sleep, okay?”

“Sorry. My broken back is nothing compared to you getting woken up,” Chopstick snarked.

“Chill out, dude,” the small man said. “It’s just happened, right? In which case it’s not broken or you wouldn’t be able to holler so much.”

“Can’t move my legs. No feeling in them. If it’s not broken, then what?”

“Bruised nerves, could be? Cracked vertebrae? Hey, I’m no doctor. I could fetch one for you, dude?”

“Ta, mate, that would be bloody brilliant,” Chopstick said. His eyebrow quirked upwards as he recognized the man. “Hey, you’re that fox spirit, the one who’s sweet on that Willow bird, right? They say you play a mean Biwa.”

“I try, dude. Name’s Oz. Only I’m not a fox spirit. They’re all chicks. I’m a wolf spirit.”

“Pleased to meet you, Oz-san. They call me Chopstick.”

“Hey, I’ve heard of you. You play the Biwa too, right? Maybe we could jam sometime, after we get you fixed up. I’ll go get a doc,” Oz offered. “I’ll just put some sandals on.”

“Sandals,” Chopstick breathed. “That’s what Dru’s up to. She’s off to trick Angel into losing his soles.”

- - - - -

“It’s a shame Giles is missing out on the Penis Festival,” Buffy remarked. “I know he enjoys it.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure that Jenny will take him to see the Monster Fucks,” Angel said. He had consumed a hefty bowl of celebratory sake before leaving the Shogun’s apartments and his voice was slightly slurred. “Hey, want to pop into my place for one more drink before you go?” He gestured along the narrow street towards the nearby door of his home.

Cold eyes watched from a window high above. Dainty yet strong hands raised a brimming bucket and tilted it.

“I don’t know,” Buffy mused. “I have to get – oh!”

Ice-cold water poured down upon her and drenched her to the skin. Her kimono clung to her slim body. Her nipples hardened and their outlines showed up clearly through the silk.

“Hey!” Angel shouted. “You be more careful, whoever you are, or I’ll have you beheaded! You nearly hit me with that!” He turned to Buffy. “You okay? Wow, you’re soaked. You’d better come in and get dried off.”

Buffy allowed him to lead her inside. He produced a towel, poured her out a bowl of sake, and turned his back while she slipped off the kimono and dried herself. He found himself staring into a mirror and his brow furrowed in puzzlement. It was unfamiliar, a new addition to the room, and he was suspicious for a moment. Probably just a gift from some townsperson, a tribute to the new Lord High Executioner, but… Then the image of Buffy’s unclad form drove all other thoughts from his mind.

“You’re so beautiful,” he breathed reverently. “Oh, Buffy-chan!”

“Eep!” Buffy squealed. “You can see me!” She hastily covered herself with the towel and blushed.

“I’m sorry,” Angel said. “I didn’t mean to look. You are just so special.”

“Uh, that’s nice,” Buffy said. She felt acutely nervous and gulped down the sake to give herself back some composure. The sake kicked the gin into renewed action and she giggled. “You’re pretty special yourself, Angel-kun.”

Angel turned to face her. “Should I help you towel dry? I’ve seen you anyway now.”

Buffy blushed deeper. “I guess.” Angel took hold of the towel and began to rub. Buffy squirmed. “Hey, tickles.” She giggled again as the alcohol took effect. “Makes me kinda tingly. Oops! You can see my boobies. No fair. You’ve seen me and I haven’t seen you.”

Buffy’s enticing presence was overcoming Angel’s alcohol-weakened self-restraint. “Maybe I could put that right?”

“Yeah,” Buffy breathed. Her fingers went to the fastenings of his robe. Her face lifted towards him, he brought his lips down to her, and they kissed.

Drusilla rappelled down from the window from which she had poured the iced water, scuttled across the street, and scaled the wall of Angel’s house. She hooked a grapnel onto the crown of the roof and lowered herself on a rope, hanging head first, and peered in through the window.

A frown of jealousy and a smile of satisfaction warred for supremacy on her face. Angel was naked and between Buffy’s legs. He had broken one of the clauses in the contract binding him to the service of the Shogun. His sandals lay discarded on the floor. Drusilla flicked her hand and sent a dart flying across the room to embed itself into one of the sandals. A thin thread trailed out behind the dart. She tugged on in gently and the sandal slid across the floor. She brought it up to the wall below the window and gave a sharp jerk. The dart came free. She wound in the thread and flicked the dart out again to impale the second sandal. “I love it when a plan comes together,” she whispered to herself. Across the room Angel grunted and cried out in orgasmic pleasure. Buffy didn’t. Drusilla’s smile achieved decisive victory over her frown. “And I love it when my darling and his mistress don’t.”

- - - - -

“Hey,” Oz greeted Chopstick. “I’ve brought you a doc, man. The greatest ninja doctor there is.”

“So where is he?” Chopstick wondered.

A throwing knife whistled in through the window, curved in an arc around the room, and plunged into the floor. A second followed, then a third, and a fourth, marking out a square. A smoke bomb landed in the centre of the square and a cloud of vapor blinded Oz and Chopstick for a moment. When it cleared a man stood between the knives. A tall man with a chin covered in untidy stubble that was in marked contrast to the elegance of his grey silk robes. He bent to retrieve his knives, supporting himself with a polished stick decorated with a band of silver, and then limped towards Chopstick. He turned piercing grey eyes on the ninja minstrel, sizing him up, and then spoke.

“You would be my patient, I believe? I’m pleased to meet you. I am House of Flying Daggers, MD.”

Continued in PART EIGHT

Tags: ,
Current Location: Isle of Man
Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: The Vapors, "Turning Japanese"

33 comments or speak 2 me
liz_marcs From: liz_marcs Date: April 27th, 2006 07:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
I just sat here and read all seven parts in one go (they let me out of work early today).


Sorry for the caps, but I've been seriously giggling like a loon. I don't usually go for crack-tastic fics, but this is a fabulously done cracktastic fic. All cracktastic fics need to aspire to this kind of inspired lunacy.

And how happy am I to see the trademark wordplay? "Losing his soles" for some reason struck me as incredibly funny that every time I read it I got an attack of the giggles.

And the close line on this one? "House of Flying Daggers, MD." *snort snicker snort*

On a more serious note: The level of research you've put into this is incredible. You had me Googling some terms and, man, you've perfectly cast all the Soobs.

Ahem. Sorry. Do carry on.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

I didn't really need to do much research; I'm a big Samurai film fan and most of my knowledge of Japan comes from Kurosawa movies, 'Lady Snowblood', and most especially from the 'Babycart' series. Also I tend to soak up odd facts about all sorts of things from the documentary TV shows that my wife watches incessantly.
ffutures From: ffutures Date: April 27th, 2006 07:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am House of Flying Daggers, MD.

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
I just couldn't resist it.
priscellie From: priscellie Date: April 27th, 2006 09:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
House of Flying Daggers, MD

*wakes up entire dorm with her laughter*

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
gillo From: gillo Date: April 27th, 2006 09:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh good lord. ::polishes glasses:: (I happen to be wearing them just at present, so it's no metaphor.)

Brilliant. Lovely Mikado references, (I particularly squealed at : “He couldn’t have survived, so he is as good as dead,” Angel declared. “Practically, he is dead. And if he is dead, why not say so?”) and some good plot stuff. But above all, evil trademark puns, Nija Dru and House. You are as a god!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

And if I'm as a god, why not say so?
booster17 From: booster17 Date: April 27th, 2006 09:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
The House gag might well be your bestworse one yet. And that's saying something...
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
hurry_sundown From: hurry_sundown Date: April 28th, 2006 01:23 am (UTC) (Link)



Let's see, pick something to be favorite ... Okay, the entrance of House of Flying Daggers, MD - followed very closely by Oz's conversation with Chopstick.

I lovelovelove this story, Speaker. It's a like getting a prezzie whenever a new chapter goes up.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
adriana_is From: adriana_is Date: April 28th, 2006 01:31 am (UTC) (Link)
That last line just killed me. This is a wicked cool story.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
spikeshunny From: spikeshunny Date: April 28th, 2006 06:06 am (UTC) (Link)
I am House of Flying Daggers, MD.

absolutely excellent!

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! It has to be good to live up to the banner.
miriya_2099 From: miriya_2099 Date: April 28th, 2006 06:35 am (UTC) (Link)
This fic never fails to make me crack up. Love it!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
spikereader From: spikereader Date: April 28th, 2006 10:42 am (UTC) (Link)
Excellent - and now it's a crossover fic too. (Got two chapters for the price of one as well, as I realised I hadn't read the previous one). Loved the Kendra Judge, and the puns are as cringeworthy as ever. Nice to have some S2C fic to read, as I'm not following Tabula Avatar as I don't know Baldur's Gate.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! It's been a crossover with The Mikado all along, in a way, as well as with a half dozen different Samurai movies.
spikereader From: spikereader Date: April 28th, 2006 10:43 am (UTC) (Link)
Forgot to say, I love the banner too.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yes, it's lovely, isn't it?
megaloo13 From: megaloo13 Date: April 28th, 2006 03:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
Just read the entire fic this morning and oh man, it had me laughing something fierce. Wonderfully done, every bit. And the last line? Priceless. XD
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 28th, 2006 04:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.

I wonder how you found it? There is only one of my f-list who is on yours, priscellie, and although she is reading this I haven't seen her reccing it on her LJ. You don't subscribe to the su_herald, and although we're both members of discworld I don't think I've ever even posted there let alone mentioned this. I can't work out where else you could have come across me.

As the actress said to the bishop.
swedish15 From: swedish15 Date: April 28th, 2006 07:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hilarious. Simply hilarious. Read all 7 parts at once while slaving away, and I have to say: You made my day.

House of Flying Daggers, MD. This may sound like a repetition, but it is simply one of the best one-liners in existence. Chopstick. Angel, the poof. Xander, the jester. Kendra the judge! (Oh my god. I laughed so hard. Too bad I didn't completely understand her dialogue, but what I got...)

I'm looking forward to the next part, and to whatever poor creature may suddenly find itself crossed in this fic.
(Oh, and Giles as superior to Snyder? You rock so hard.)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 29th, 2006 12:31 am (UTC) (Link)
This is nice thrilling feedback to receive
That's a fact
It's a thing I can't deny
Like the fact that I'm a crackfic-writing guy

There are twelve reindeer pulling Santa's sledge
That's a guess
No-one can ever say it's true
And yet I know that it's not pulled by twelve gnu

I am warmed by the fire of the feedback you gave
When I made our vampire
Into a ninja who was never in a grave

There are six million users on LJ
More or less
And it makes me feel quite glad
That not all of them think that my fic is bad

I borrowed the vampire
From that old TV show
And I'll never tire
Of the feedback that you gave to me tonight

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
And they're packed
Into streets that are not wide
Enough for nine million bicyclists to ride

And there are nine million bicycles in Beijing
And you know that I'm a fanfic-writing guy
drakontaskyria From: drakontaskyria Date: April 30th, 2006 03:41 am (UTC) (Link)
As much as I'm enjoying Tabula Avatar, I'm SO happy to see another installment of Dojo Hard. It's one of my favorite stories. I just have to make sure that there is no food or drink near the computer because I've had some nasty clean-ups after eating or drinking while reading your stuff. *g*

Best crossover/pun ever? House of Flying Daggers, M. D. I had this vision of Hugh in silk and...well, let's not go there. I've been big with Hugh love since the Black Adder days.

And poor Buffy only being able to come up with the words 'suck' and 'blow' and Giles' referring to the Council of Wankers - priceless. The only scary thing? I already knew about the Kanamara Penis Festival without the link. Sigh...

Great chapter.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 30th, 2006 04:03 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! I really enjoy writing Dojo Hard, but I can't manage frequent chapters because it takes a while to store up enough Japanese puns/weird Oriental trivia pieces etc to fill an episode.
cbtreks From: cbtreks Date: May 4th, 2006 01:12 am (UTC) (Link)
Is the doctor going to be rude and sarcastic? *g*

I like the way you're sticking to the outline of the tv series while still making this completely original.

Interesting link, by the way!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 4th, 2006 02:52 am (UTC) (Link)
House of Flying Daggers MD will indeed be rude and sarcastic. I've already written the diagnosis scene, although the next chapter will not be posted until I've finished the part where Angel is confronted with the consequences of losing his soles.

Thank you!
33 comments or speak 2 me