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Sunnydale Passions Episode Seven

Inspired by the wise words of rahirahbut there's no reason to make Riley a wife-beater, Giles a drunk, Willow an evil mastermind, Xander a moron, Spike a malicious idiot, Angel a Neanderthal, Buffy a stone bitch who glories in her bitchness, or whatever”, here is the seventh installment of the lunatic soap opera ‘Sunnydale Passions’, in which all those things are true. 3,400 words. Rating ‘R’.

Previously in Sunnydale Passions: Episode One / Episode Two / Episode Three / Episode Four / Episode Five/ Episode Six

Sunnydale Passions

Episode 7

of Nine

Previously on ‘Sunnydale Passions’:

Riley’s plan to acquire super-powers with the aid of a succession of radio-active animals had misfired yet again, and Xander was the one bitten by a radio-active rabbit. Faith had body-swapped with Buffy, boinked Cave!Angel, and unleashed Cave!Angelus upon the world. Once Faith was back in her own body Tara and Spike persuaded her that she’d done a bad thing. The three worked together to fake Faith's death, they set her up in a new identity as her own identical triplet sister, and then they restored Angel’s soul. Unfortunately Spike got hit by the curse as well …

Confused? You will be, after this episode of ‘Sunnydale Passions’. Now read on …

- - - - -

Adam sighed heavily. “Buffy, I hesitate to say this, but I fear that I no longer have full confidence in your commitment to my cause.”

“Why, Adam, whatever makes you say that?” Buffy asked.

“You staked six of my associates as a prelude to our love-making session,” Adam reminded her.

“Hey, I didn’t want them hanging around watching! That would be just gross.”

“Surely a simple request for them to leave would have been sufficient?”

“Whatever. Anyway,” Buffy pointed out, “Slaying gets me hot.”

- - - - -

“Oh no!” Angel wailed. “What have I done? I’ve killed people again. The guilt, the guilt! I must repent, and brood, and then repent some more, followed by an extended session of brooding.”

“Angel! You’re back!” Harmony beamed. “Hey, I’m totally glad, ‘cause Angelus? So not as nice as you.” Her brow wrinkled. “Uh, what’s with the big words? You’re not Cave Angel any more?”

“Harmony! Evil soulless vampire. Perhaps by slaying you I can at least partially redeem …” Angel began, and then his heavy brows shifted fractionally and his expression changed from brood mode to one of surprise. “You like Angel better than Angelus?”

“Well, duh!” Harmony rolled her eyes. “Angelus is no fun at all. Always wanting to hurt people and eat everybody. I mean, he totally ate Amber and I really liked her. And he wanted to kill the Ghostbusters! You’re nice when you’re Angel. Apart from hitting me on the head every time I say I want you to boink me. Hey, I guess you won’t do that any more if you’re over the Cave guy thing, right? Yay! Unless, uh, maybe you won’t want me any more if you’re all smart and that.” Her lip quivered. “But you do, right? Still want me, that is? ‘Cause we are totally good together, aren’t we, Broody Bear?”

- - - - -

“Come on, Spike,” Faith urged, wiggling her ass enticingly. “Get some, soul gone. I can make you happy, you know it. Give it to me.”

“Please cease these actions most improper, or I shall go and call a copper.” Spike frowned at her over the rims of the reading glasses that he had donned. “Stop tempting me, I’ll not give in. Sex out of wedlock is a sin.”

“We could get married,” Faith suggested.

Spike’s frown grew more severe. “Mock not the sacred wedded state. You would not take a vampire mate.”

Faith put her hand on his arm and stared into his eyes. “It’s not a joke, Spike. I like you a whole lot, leastways I like the version that’s fun and watches Knight Rider with a kangaroo and pulls scams on Giles, and I would marry you if that was what it took to get you happy and get rid of that damn soul that’s making you no fun at all.” She swallowed nervously. “Maybe I’m even a little in love with you. Hell, I’m a whole lot in love with you. Come on, Spike, you can kiss me, at least.”

“You taunt me with such false devotion. I could not inspire such emotion.” Spike plucked away her hand from his arm. “Only base and carnal lust. Please cover up your – ahem! – bust.”

Faith shook her head. “Damn it, you’re worse than Wesley was when he first blew into Sunnydale.” She picked her bra up from the floor and put it on. “William the Bloody? You were a wuss as a human, Spike. Don’t tell me, you were the guy who taught morals at the Watchers’ Council HQ?”

“I was a man of noble birth, yet also one of little worth,” Spike revealed. “Society mocked me for my verse. McGonagall? Why, I was worse! William the Bloody Awful Poet. No talent, but I didn’t know it. Until the lady I adored, told me that I was just abhorred. I fled out into the dark street, and there I just happened to meet, Drusilla; who, with one swift bite, brought me both horror and delight. She made me one of the Undead, and also took me to her bed. In her arms I didst learn to sin; to slaughter with a carefree grin, to ravish, murder, bite, and drink – even to piss into the sink!”

- - - - -

“Hi honey, I’m home,” Anya called as she entered the basement. Xander was sitting on the couch with his back to her. “My, Xander, what big ears you’ve got,” Anya commented.

“All the better to hear you with, Ahn,” Xander replied. He turned to face her and grinned.

“My, Xander, what big teeth you’ve got!” Anya added, a hint of nervousness creeping into her voice.

“All the better to eat carrots with.” Xander hopped to his feet and wrinkled his nose.

“Bunny!” Anya screamed. “You’ve turned into a vile, hideous, bunny!” She turned and fled up the stairs and out of the door.

Xander’s face fell and he sat back down. “Darn it! I wanted to boink,” he groaned. “Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to go back to watching ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’.”

- - - - -

Faith sat on Spike’s battered armchair, her shoulders slumped in dejection, her full lips curved downwards with misery. “It’s got me beat,” she moaned. “I’m not getting through to Spike at all. This William the Bloody Awful Poet version has got a stick up his ass like you wouldn’t believe. He won’t boink me on account of us not being married, he won’t marry me on account of him being an evil vampire and not worthy of me, and I can’t work out how I’m gonna get him into bed. And he’s driving me crazy with that damn poetry. I want my soulless Spike back.”

Tara patted her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her. “Uh, m-maybe the poetry w-won’t seem that bad w-w-when you g-get used to it. I mean, it took me time to get into e e cummings, you know?”

“You mean ‘How do you like your blue eyed boy Mister Death’ and all that?” Faith shook her head. “I know some poetry. Trust me on this. Spike’s poetry is bad.” Her brow creased. “Hey, you think cummings ever met Spike?”

“I d-didn’t know you read poetry,” Tara commented.

“Hey, I’ve got depths,” Faith said.

“I know,” Tara said, gazing reverently into Faith’s cleavage. Her tongue crept across her lips and then she blushed and raised her eyes. She met Faith’s eyes and saw a twinkle there, and saw a mischievous half-smile on Faith’s lips, and her blush grew deeper. “Uh, s-sorry.”

The crypt door flew open. “Spike! Are you cured yet?” Anya rushed into the crypt, dishevelled and wild-eyed, and almost crashed into Skippy. “Eek! Another bunny!” she shrieked.

“He’s a k-kangaroo,” Tara pointed out.

Skippy chittered and waggled his ears.

“What’s that you say, Skippy?” Faith asked. The kangaroo hopped over to her, put his mouth close to her ear, and repeated his chittering. “He says ‘Strewth, sport, that Sheila’s as dumb as a koala stuck up a gum tree!’ I guess he don’t like being called a rabbit.”

“Oh.” Anya stared at the kangaroo. “I’m sorry, Skippy. I can quite understand why you wouldn’t want to be mistaken for one of those disgusting creatures.”

“He says ‘Too right, Sheila, the bludgers should stay beyond the rabbit-proof fence’,” Faith interpreted.

“I agree!” Anya said, with a wide smile. “Where’s Spike? Is he still cursed with the soul?”

“I’m afraid so,” Tara told her. “W-we can’t get rid of it.”

“No moment of pure happiness?”

“Nope. He’s holding out on me,” Faith said glumly. “I’ve shown him everything I’ve got and he’s all stuffy and English and won’t play.”

“Have you tried dressing up? Xander enjoys role-play,” Anya suggested, and then grimaced. “Although turning himself into a rabbit was taking it much too far. Perhaps you could dress as a nurse, or a maid, or a harem girl, or that Seven of Nine girl out of Star Trek Voyager.”

Faith shook her head. “I think he’s too far gone for that. I can’t get any kind of rise out of him at all.”

“Ooh! I know,” Anya bubbled. “Men can’t resist girl-on-girl action. You could put on a show for him. I’m sure that would work.”

Tara turned as red as a tomato. Faith looked at her appraisingly, raised one eyebrow, and turned back to Anya.. “Yeah, thanks for the suggestion, sister. Anyway, what were you wanting Spike for?”

“I once heard him mention owning a shotgun,” Anya said. “I want to borrow it. I have a pest control problem.”

“I can’t see Soulful William passing out shotguns,” Faith said, and shook her head. “All you’d get would be bad poetry about it being bad to shoot things. ‘Guns are bad and make big bangs. I’m bad too and I’ve got fangs.’ Something like that.”

Anya’s lips tightened. “This really is most inconsiderate of Spike. And it was terribly careless of you, Tara.”

“S-sorry.” Tara gulped and hid behind her hair.

Skippy patted her shoulder with his paw and hopped to Spike’s sarcophagus. He scrabbled at the side, pulled open a secret panel, scrabbled again and dragged out a shotgun. He fumbled at it with his paws and managed to raise it off the ground.

Faith hastened to assist him, took the shotgun, and passed it to Anya. “Here you go,” she said. She returned to the secret compartment and extracted a box of ammunition. “All stocked up for pest control. Or, I could come Slay them for you.”

Anya took the gun and ammo gratefully. “Thanks, Hope. No need for Slaying. I can take it from here.” She broke open the gun, inserted two shells, and then snapped the breech closed and brandished the gun menacingly. “It’s Wabbit Season!”

- - - - -

“Harmony! Hey, I haven’t seen you in, like, totally ages!” Cordelia squealed, rushing to embrace her friend. “What’s with the Cave Girl get-up?”

“Angel totally made me dress this way,” Harmony explained, returning Cordelia’s hug. “Hey, it’s so good to see you again, Cordy.”

“Hey, wait a minute,” Cordelia said, and her embrace loosened. “Weren’t we, like, all unfriendly last time we saw each other, ‘cause you were still on my case about dating Xander Harris, and I’d called you a sheep?”

“Well, yeah,” Harmony admitted, “but I still totally wanted to be your friend. Forgive and forget, huh? Still friends, Cordy?”

“Oh, okay,” Cordelia smiled, and tightened her hug again. “I’ve missed you, Harm.” Her forehead creased and her smile faded. “Uh, you’re very cold. Hey, you’re a vampire!” She released her grip and leaped back, fumbling for a stake.

“Well, duh!” Harmony rolled her eyes. “Sure I’m a vampire. I got killed at Graduation, remember? But I’m totally a good vampire, on account of being pretty lame at being evil, and on account of being totally in love with Angel.”

“She’s telling the truth, Cordelia,” Angel confirmed.

Cordelia pouted. “Hey, I’m the female lead in the spin-off! It should be me that ends up with the hero.”

“You can, like, have romances with all the male guest stars,” Harmony suggested. “And hey, I’ll probably get tragically staked in, like, Season 3 or something. Doing something really heroic.”

“Or something really lame like tripping and falling on a pencil,” Cordelia muttered, and then she donned a broad smile. “It’s totally great to be friends with you again, Harmony.” She embraced her friend once more and then her gaze fell directly on Angel for the first time in this reunion. “Angel! In a loincloth and furs and shit! You have, like, a Caveman’s taste!”

- - - - -

Adam looked up at Buffy as she rose to her feet and began to dress. “Do you share any of my dreams and ambitions?” he asked. “My hopes for justice, for a society in which all shall be able to live in peace and harmony regardless of their metabolism or body shape?”

“Nope,” Buffy admitted cheerfully. “I just want nice clothes and shoes. And hey, orgasms are totally of the good.”

Adam sighed. “Do you even like me?”

“Sometimes,” Buffy replied. “Like, when we’re boinking. That’s about it.” She slipped on her stylish yet affordable shoes. “Okay, see you around.” She left the cave, pausing only to stake a chipped vampire on her way out.

Adam stood and put on his clothes. “She is cold and heartless,” he lamented, “yet her beauty has me bewitched.”

“Okay to come in, boss?” a vampire called hesitantly.

“Yes, come in,” Adam confirmed.

The vampire entered the chamber. “Uh, boss, I know that it’s not my place to say this, but she’s no good for you.”

“I know,” Adam agreed, “but what can I do? I am her willing slave.”

“I’ve got an idea, boss.” The vampire switched on a TV and pointed to the man who filled the screen. “Why don’t you get some advice from Jonathan?”

- - - - -

“Anya really doesn’t like rabbits,” Tara commented. “I b-bet she’d hate W-W-W-, uh, H2Oship Down.”

“Except for the bits where the bunnies are dying,” Faith agreed. She gazed speculatively at Tara. “So, Anya reckons that girl on girl action would get Spike going, and I think she’s got a point. Now, shoot me down if I’m out of line here, but I’ve kinda got a feeling that you don’t exactly think that I’m repulsive.”

Tara hid behind her hair again. “I, uh, yeah, you’re really p-pretty and I like you a whole lot.”

“So, you up for it, then?”

Tara blushed crimson. “I, uh, I w-w-want to help Spike, ‘cause I really like him too, and yeah, I’d do it, b-b-but only if you w-wouldn’t just be p-putting up w-with me for Spike’s sake.”

Faith grinned. “Hey, sister, I’ve swung both ways before now, and getting down and dirty with you won’t be any kind of hardship. Not one bit.” She closed on Tara, gently took the other girl’s face between her hands, and kissed her full on the lips. Tara melted into the kiss and wrapped her arms around Faith. Faith reciprocated, the kiss deepened, and hands began to caress and explore. Time passed.

A marsupial head pushed between the two girls’ bodies and forced them apart. They broke the embrace and looked at Skippy. The kangaroo tapped his foot and gestured at the trapdoor that led down to Spike’s bedroom.

“Oh, yeah, sorry, Skippy,” Faith said. “I kinda got lost in the moment there. That was nice, real nice, but it’s not getting the job done.”

“Uh, yeah,” Tara agreed. “We should go down. Uh, to the b-b-b- lower level.”

Faith raised the trapdoor and the girls descended. Skippy hopped over to the microwave and inserted a bucket of popcorn, helped himself to a bottle of beer from the fridge as the popcorn was heating, and then followed the girls down the ladder.

- - - - -

“Now, Ahn, easy with that shotgun,” Xander pleaded, raising his hands.

“Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit,” Anya chanted. She raised the gun to her shoulder and fired.

Xander dodged frantically and just managed to leap out of the way of the blast. His collection of classic ‘Amazing Spiderman’ comic books disintegrated in a spray of paper fragments. “Hey!” he protested. “What’s gotten into you?”

“The point is more what’s gotten into you,” Anya growled. “You’ve turned into a loathsome bunny! Kill the wabbit!” She fired again.

The Avengers shared Spiderman’s fate, and the pictorial representation of a mighty Norse god sailed through the air, blown from the cover of a comic book. “Hey!” Xander protested angrily. “That was Thor!”

“Good!” Anya snapped. “The next one will be even sorer.” She broke open the shotgun and reloaded.

“Wait a minute,” Xander urged. “You can’t shoot me. It’s duck season.”

“Wabbit season!” Anya insisted.

“Duck season!”

“Wabbit season!” Anya finished reloading and raised the gun to her shoulder once more.

“Duck season!” Xander wailed, and turned and fled up the stairs. Splinters flew behind him as Anya fired again. “Help! She’s gone crazy! I’ve got to get to Jonathan!”

- - - - -

The last item of Tara’s clothing came off and was thrown aside to land on Spike’s head. He reached up, removed the panties from his hair, and sat holding them. His mouth was hanging open.

“These wanton tribades have no shame,” he muttered, “and yet they set my groin aflame. My cock expands, ‘tis grown a bulge in it. Such a sweet cleft; I want to plunge in it.”

Tara groaned. This may have been because of Spike’s awful rhyme, or a groan of ecstasy drawn forth by the actions of Faith’s busy tongue. Faith ceased her actions for a moment, lifted her head, and looked at Spike. “You want some?” she challenged. “Come and get it. Dive right in.”

Spike trembled. “Those luscious lips promise such bliss. I long to stop them with a kiss. Nipples of rose, delightful quim – I can't hold back, I’m giving in!” He clawed frantically at his clothes, stripping himself naked in only seconds, and launched himself onto the bed. Faith met him with a kiss. Beneath her Tara squirmed and then shuddered.

“Oh!” Tara squealed in surprise. “Spike! You’re – I didn’t expect – oh! Oh! Yes!”

Faith pulled back from Spike’s kiss for a moment and looked down. “Now I didn’t expect that either. You okay with that, Tara?”

Tara replied only by moaning, clutching at Faith’s hips, and pulling the Slayer into reach of her tongue. Spike’s right hand caressed Tara’s breasts while his left moved to Faith’s and teased a nipple. “Yeah!” Faith gasped. “Not quite the way I had it worked out, but what the hell, who cares?” Her mouth fastened on Spike’s and their tongues entwined.

Skippy settled back on his haunches, opened the bottle of beer, and began to munch away at the popcorn.

- - - - -

Riley strolled along the street. “Hi there, Xander,” he greeted.

“No time to talk, Doc,” Xander panted, hopping past Riley at high velocity.

“Kill the wabbit!” Anya yelled behind him. A shotgun blast rang out and sent Riley diving behind a hedge for cover.

“What the - ?” Riley wondered, as he raised his head and peered out cautiously. “Xander’s got long ears and he’s all covered in fur. Anya’s gone psycho killer. This isn’t normal.” He frowned. “Maybe I won’t eat that radioactive rabbit after all.”

- - - - -

Spike, Faith, and Tara sprawled in an intertwined heap on the bed. Faith lifted her head. “Wow,” she murmured. “That was just incredible.” She planted a soft kiss on Tara’s lips, and then did the same to Spike.

Tara raised herself slowly onto her elbows. “It was w-wonderful,” she agreed. She dipped her head and kissed Spike. “Did it work? Have you still got the soul?”

Spike frowned. “Alas, my soul it does remain,” he told her. “I think you’ll have to try again.”

“Oh, poor Spike,” Tara commiserated. She shuffled down the bed. “I’ve never done this before. You’ll have to tell me if I’m doing it right.” Her head lowered and Spike groaned.

Faith reached for Tara and then stopped and stared suspiciously at Spike. “Hey, wait a goddamn minute,” she said. “William the Bloody wouldn’t be saying ‘try again’, ‘cause he’d want to keep the soul. You’re lying to us, Spike.”

“Bugger! Got me there,” Spike admitted. He smiled ruefully and shrugged. “I’m happy as a pig in shit, but you know I’m an evil git. Can’t blame a bloke for trying, love.” His eyes went wide. “Yeah, you’re doing that right, Tara. Bloody fantastic. Don’t have to, though, love. Soul’s gone. You can stop if you want.”

Tara’s head rose briefly. “I don’t want to stop.” She dipped down again and Spike groaned.

Faith raised her eyebrows. “Looks like you’ve made a convert, Spike. Hey, girlie, move over. I want some of that.”

Skippy hopped across to the ladder and climbed back up towards the microwave. A popcorn refill seemed to be in order; it looked as if it was going to be a long night.

To be continued ...

The characters in this story do not belong to me, but are being used for amusement only and all rights remain with Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the writers of the original episodes, and the TV and production companies responsible for the original television shows. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ©2002 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All Rights Reserved. The Buffy the Vampire Slayer trademark is used without express permission from Fox.

Tags: fic, sunnydale_passions
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