“Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy or, or, some ducks?”
Rating R. This concludes the series with letters R to Z. The first part was HERE. The second part was HERE.
26 animals that Xander was never possessed by…
Joyce climbed into her SUV and buckled up. She adjusted the mirror, turned on the cassette player to play a Juice Newton album, and started the motor. She pulled away and set off for the mall.
Suddenly the vehicle shuddered with a heavy impact. Joyce braked hard and her heart pounded. Had she hit something or someone?
Another impact rocked the vehicle. Joyce looked around frantically. No other vehicles were involved. The only possible source of the impacts proved to be Buffy’s friend Xander.
As Joyce stared in amazement Xander tossed his head, snorted loudly, and prepared to charge again.
“The spider plays an important role in African mythology,” Giles mused. “Traditionally it is regarded as a trickster, for instance in the West African tales of Anansi. I suppose that it is no surprise that someone should attempt to summon up that spirit.”
“Giles, get your head out of the books and do something constructive,” Buffy urged him. “We have to get free of these webs and out of here before Xander finishes with the flies and gets back. ‘Cause hey, no way do I want to mate with him, and still less do I want to eat him afterwards.”
Buffy was struggling to hold her own against The Three when Xander arrived and plunged into the fray. “Whoa, dudes, three against one? Totally not fair,” he cried, and smacked a vampire over the head with his tonfa. “Cowabunga!”
By the time Angel arrived the vampires were dust.
“Too late, dude,” Xander chortled. “All done. Let’s go out for pizza.”
“Yeah, totally thank you,” Buffy beamed. “Yay, pizza!”
“Humph. Good job, Xander,” Angel acknowledged reluctantly.
“Hey, dude, my name’s Van Gogh now,” Xander reminded their mysterious ally.
“Okay, right,” Angel sniffed. “When are you going to cut off your ear?”
Harmony sobbed her heart out. Tears trickled down her cheeks. “I love him so much,” she wailed. “He used to follow me around everywhere. I thought he loved me.”
“I thought so too,” Willow agreed, swallowing her jealousy. After all, she had Oz. “What went wrong?”
“I don’t know,” Harmony moaned. “Everything was perfect, and then we, well, we boinked. And it was wonderful; although it hurt to start ‘cause he’s hung like a stallion and it was my first time. Only, afterwards he totally lost interest.”
Just then Xander walked by, oblivious, singing his favorite song. “Like a virgin…”
“He’s breaking through, Buffy,” Willow said nervously. She jumped back in alarm as one of the sickle blades strapped to Xander’s ankles pierced the door.
“I’m on it! I’m on it!” Buffy panted, heaving a vending machine into place to add to their barricade. “I can’t believe this! We’re going to be killed and eaten by Xander. Why didn’t he fall for my decoy? Dinosaurs are supposed to be dumb.”
“Not raptors,” Willow pointed out. “Remember ‘Jurassic Park’?”
“Yeah, right.” Buffy rolled her eyes. “This is totally not fair! Why is there never a T-Rex around when you need one?”
“Should we have let Xander go up there to untie Dawn?” Anya wondered. “He’s very good in tunnels, but he’s clumsy and doesn’t have much of a head for heights.”
“Well, Willow’s occupied with Tara, I’m rather exhausted after, ah, seeing to Ben, and Buffy is tending to Spike,” Giles pointed out. “Spike’s in a bad way after tackling that ‘Doc’ demon and falling with him. It had to be either Xander or yourself. Don’t worry. He’ll be all right, he won’t fall off. Ah, I shouldn’t have said that, should I?” There was a loud ‘splat!’ behind him. “Bugger!”
“I must say things seem to have worked out rather well,” Giles observed. “Apart from the sad demise of Principal Flutie, of course. Admittedly we did rather overdo the spell reversal, and the ramifications have been disconcerting, but useful.”
“So what’s happened to the zookeeper?” Buffy asked.
“He’s been dismissed,” Willow told her, “for losing our new friends, cracking bad jokes, and goofing off.”
The new Scoobies burst into peals of laughter.
“Hey, less of the laughing, Xanders,” Xander commanded his animal counterparts. “Weren’t you supposed to be on donut duty?”
Their tails lowered and the five hyenas trotted off.
Xander ambled across the lawn, occasionally lowing, and scraping at the grass with his foot. His hair hung over his forehead in a shaggy mass.
Willie the Snitch sidled out from behind a tree and spoke. “Hey, Xander, word on the street is that you’ve been possessed by a Yak spirit.”
“What if I have?”
Willie shuffled his feet and looked embarrassed. “I got a proposition for you. There’s a drink I serve at the bar, goes down real well with the demon crowd, and supplies are short. Any chance you could spare a pint or two of your urine?”
Giles raised his eyebrows in surprise at Xander’s new garb. “A Newcastle United shirt? You’ve taken to following football, or soccer as you would call it? Remarkable. A surprising choice of team, although worthy enough.”
“Huh?” Xander glanced vaguely down at the shirt. “It’s a team shirt? I just liked the color. Black and white stripes just seems kinda me, somehow. I’m not big into soccer. I might watch the World Cup with you, maybe. Only, not any matches featuring Cameroon.”
Giles was intrigued. “What do you have against the ‘Indomitable Lions’?”
“Nay!” Xander protested. “Don’t say the ‘L’ word!”
The characters in these stories do not belong to me, but are being used for amusement only and all rights remain with Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the writers of the original episodes, and the TV and production companies responsible for the original television shows. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ©2002 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All Rights Reserved. The Buffy the Vampire Slayer trademark is used without express permission from Fox.