“Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy or, or, some ducks?”
Rating R. I’m doing one for each letter of the alphabet. Tonight I’m posting the first 8, covering letters A to H. More tomorrow.
26 animals that Xander was never possessed by…
Part One: A to H
“I just don’t get it,” Willow moaned. “All of a sudden the popular girls are swarming all over Xander. Harmony, Aura, Amy, Heidi, even Cordelia, they all want to date him. They’re even fighting over him. I hardly get to spend any time with him any more.”
“So what’s changed?” Buffy wondered. “New aftershave or something? What’s the secret of his success?”
Willow shrugged. “It has me beat, Buff. He’s acting the same as he ever was, only maybe a little more gross. All he seems to do these days is to hang out in the corridors licking his eyebrows.”
Buffy scuttled into the library. “Giles, we have to do something about Xander. I think he’s, like, possessed or something. He’s seduced Cordelia, Harmony, Amber, and Aura, and he’s boinked Willow like ten times.”
Giles looked at her over the rims of his glasses. “Has he acted on his obvious attraction to you?”
Buffy blushed. “There may have been some inappropriate penetration,” she confessed. “But hey, I’ve just caught him hanging upside down from a tree, penis-fencing with Kyle, and that’s totally gross.”
Giles frowned. “Hmm. I remember when I was sixteen. I see nothing unusual in Xander’s actions whatsoever.”
The interviewer was an extremely handsome man with coffee brown skin. He accosted Xander as he left the track and held a microphone in front of his face. “Colin Jackson, for the BBC,” he introduced himself. “So, Xander, another gold medal, another world record. You must be overjoyed. Can you spare a moment to talk to our viewers? I’m sure they’d like to know about your rather unusual diet.”
Xander yawned, revealing disconcertingly long canines. “Sorry, I’m bushed. The two hundred’s a long way for me. Maybe tomorrow. Right now I’m gonna eat some gazelle and then get some sleep.”
“Xander! What are you doing?” Willow squeaked. “You’re all wet and soggy.”
“Dabbling,” Xander shrugged. “Looking for waterweed, crusts of bread, that sort of thing, you know?”
“Waterweed? Crusts of bread?” Willow’s eyebrows arched and her eyes widened. “Why?”
“Quack!” Xander ordered the flock, and submerged again, followed by Tor, Kyle, Rhonda, and Heidi.
The splashing and commotion attracted the attention of Principal Flutie. “Out of the ornamental pond right now!” he ordered. “What on Earth do you kids think you’re doing?”
Xander bobbed to the surface and explained. “Gotta get our strength up to migrate south for the winter.”
“Xander sure has put on an awful lot of weight in just a few days,” Willow commented.
“That’s quite an understatement, Will,” Buffy agreed, grimacing as the press of the crowd drove her onto the squashed corpse of Larry, who had perished under the bulk of Xander, Kyle, and Tor as the three immense students battled to acquire harems. “Looks like we’re stuck here. He’s just too big. I can’t even move him.”
Willow gulped. “It’s not that I’m against mating with Xander. It used to be my dream. It’s just that I think we’re kinda going to get squished.”
“Okay,” Buffy began, “we need a plan. Xander’s hiding out among the lily pads, catching flies, and we need to get him back and return him to his right self.”
“If your plan involves him kissing a princess, count me right out,” Cordelia announced. “Okay, I’m pretty much the princess of Sunnydale high, yeah, but kissing Xander Harris? No way. Except maybe in a closet. Nope. No chance.”
“You’re gonna have to count me out on this one too, Buff,” Willow said regretfully.
“Huh? I thought you’d be all go with the Xander kissage.”
“Sorry, Buffy, I have frog fear.”
“Way to go, Xander,” Willow congratulated him. “You defeated Olaf the Troll single-handed.”
“Single-headed,” Anya corrected her. “He knocked down Olaf with a series of mighty butts.”
“Mighty butts would be about right for the Whelp,” Spike muttered. “Always said he had a fat arse.”
“Shut up, Spike,” Buffy snapped. “You’re just jealous. I say yay Xander!”
“Yay Xander!” Willow echoed.
“Yay Xander!” Dawn joined in.
“Okay, yay Xander,” Spike agreed reluctantly.
“Yay Xander, yeah,” Anya confirmed. “That goat possession turned out to be useful after all. Kinda makes up for him spending the last few years eating my panties.”
Giles, Buffy, and Willow entered Xander’s room cautiously. There was no sound except for a slight rustling. “Xander?” Willow scrabbled at the nest of shredded newspapers until she revealed Xander. He uncurled himself and squeaked at her.
“Oh, great,” Buffy grumbled, as Xander scuttled from his nest and climbed into the wheel that he had improvised from a truck tire. “Xander’s been possessed by the spirit of a rat.”
“A rat? Eww,” Willow moaned.
Giles peered at Xander as the young man raced around in his wheel. “I think you’re wrong, Buffy,” he corrected her. “Is no rat. Is hamster.”