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Dojo Hard Part 5 - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
Dojo Hard Part 5
This might be a rather odd time of day to post, but hopefully I'll have a different computer by tonight, and posting it now will save me the hassle of swapping the files over.

The fifth installment of the insanity that is 'Dojo Hard'. All the Buffyverse characters are denizens of 17th-century Japan. Exactly 1,500 words, some of which were written by W S Gilbert, and including a little snatch of a Runrig song. Rating PG-ish. It's got Spike (aka 'Chopstick') and Wesley, and Christmas, and so it could count as my entry for enigmaticblues' Holiday ficathon. It might have to, I'm running out of time!


Dojo Hard Part 5



Chopstick was giving another musical performance for his ninja gang, playing his Biwa lute, and singing. He always met with universal approval; no-one wanted to be critical and risk having a chopstick driven through their ears.

“A wandering ninja I,
With tiger claws for scratches
To rip to shreds and patches
A screaming Samurai

My Yumi bow is long
Its arrows are far ranging
When shafts we are exchanging
My aim is never wrong
My aim is never wrong…”

He paused to sip from a bowl of sake and then started up again with a change of tune.

”Are you in sentimental mood?
I'll sigh with you,
Oh, sorrow!
Like sodding Angel do you brood?
I'll do so, too --
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!

I’ll chop off Angel’s ears
And strangle Warren Meers
Then quaff a dozen beers
And then I’ll spew
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!”

Another sip of sake, and his tune grew more brisk and lively.

“My passion is for Manchester United
Old Trafford is the place I long to be
I’ll never let the Red Devils be slighted
By fans of those impostors Man City
When Fergie’s fearless warriors are assembled
The players of the other teams will quail
I want to start up a branch of the fan club
In our Japanese town of Sunnydale.”

He looked meaningfully at his entourage, and they took the hint and echoed his last lines in chorus.

“He wants to start up a branch of the fan club
In our Japanese town of Sunnydale!”

“And if you call for a song of the sea…” Chopstick began again, and then there was an interruption.

Dalton and four other of Chopstick’s followers entered the hall dragging three captive girls. “We’ve caught some of Giles’ supporters, Chopstick-sama,” Dalton announced.

Chopstick laid down his Biwa and frowned. “Yeah, can see that, but what use are they? Don’t look like ninja or samurai to me. Hey, girls, who are you?”

“I’m Cordelia,” one said.

“I’m Harmony Kendall,” a pretty vacant-looking blonde announced.

“And I’m Amber,” the third introduced herself.

“Yeah, and what do you do, girls?”

The three girls looked around nervously, formed a line, bowed, and began to sing.

“Three little Geisha girls are we
Pert as a Geisha girl can be
Filled to the brim with girlish glee
Three little Geisha girls

Everything is a source of fun
Nobody's safe, for we care for none
Life is a joke that's just begun
Three little Geisha girls

Three little Geisha girls are we
Fresh from a long tea ceremony
We entertain rich guys for money
Three little Geisha girls
Three little Geisha girls.”

Chopstick threw back his head and laughed. “Bloody hell, Dalton-san, you’ve caught a real prize here. That’ll really have reduced the Shogun’s fighting strength.” He strode to the girls, snatched Harmony from the line, and drew his sword.

“One Geisha girl with a pretty bum
Two Geisha girls in attendance come
Three Geisha girls is the total sum
Three little Geisha girls

From three Geisha girls take one away
Two Geisha girls remain, and they
Won’t have to wait very long, they say
Three little Geisha girls.”

He lowered his sword and smiled at the cowering Harmony. “Nah, can’t be bothered to kill you, pets. Bloody pointless. Waste of a pert bum.” Harmony relaxed and gazed up at Chopstick adoringly, licking her lips. “Tell you what, make yourselves useful, pets. Let’s have some tea. Brew up!” He pointed towards the kitchens and the three girls scuttled to obey.

“Is it wise to spare them, my Chopstick-san?” Drusilla asked.

“Like I said, can’t see any sodding point in killing them,” Chopstick said. “Got a cunning plan. I’ll let them overhear us talking about that plan to summon up the Dread Judge of the Netherworld, that I scrapped ‘cos the git would probably judge us, and let them loose so that they can spread panic and alarm among Giles’ lot.”

Drusilla frowned. “If you say so, Chopstick-san, but I’d still be happier if we killed them and bathed in their blood. That blonde one looks as if she’d be all over you.”

“The pretty vacant one? Yeah, she might be dumb but she’s got taste. Not a patch on the Slayer, though. Or on my dark princess,” Chopstick added hastily, catching a flash of anger in Drusilla’s eyes. “Anyway,” he went on, “once they have Giles’ lot looking the wrong way we can get on with fixing up the deal with Wesley to get hold of a canon from that gaijin ship. Once we have a canon we’re in clover. We’ll blow the bloody doors off.”

He picked up the lute again and resumed his song. “And if you call for a song of the sea, we’ll heave the capstan round-oh!”

- - - - -


“So that’s the dreaded Chopstick,” Harmony said, as the three Geishas busied themselves preparing tea. “He’s kinda dreamy.”

“More like screamy,” Amber corrected her. “Lets just keep our heads down, play nice, and get out of here in one piece, ‘kay?”

“I think he’s cute,” Harmony sighed.

“Cute? He’s a bloodthirsty monster who wants to overthrow our beloved Shogun Giles,” Cordelia replied. “Although, yeah, can I say, taut ass and killer cheekbones?”

“It’s his killer sword that worries me,” Amber said.

Harmony sighed again. “Yeah, he does have a very big… sword.”

- - - - -


“Where are my Geishas?” Giles wondered. “I want to play golf, and there is no-one to perform the tee ceremony.”

- - - - -


“Well done, Angel-san,” Giles congratulated his most feared ninja. “Now that you have scattered the pieces of the statue to the four winds, including sending one off on a gaijin ship to the far land of California, Chopstick’s plan to raise the Dread Judge of the Netherworld cannot succeed and we are safe. You deserve a reward. Do you follow Shinto?”

Angel beamed. “My favorite sport. Hard, exciting, full of action. ‘I still see the blood on the knees. The camans swing without warning. The lads in white at the speed of light. It’s good to be young and daring’. It’s very rare that we see any of it here in Japan, of course.”

Giles coughed. “I think you’ll find that’s shinty.”

- - - - -


“I have decided,” Giles announced, “to honor Angel-san for his recent great deeds.”

Buffy sniffed. She was rather jealous. She loved Angel, yeah, but she didn’t really think that packing up pieces of a statue and hiding them was really such a great feat.

Xander’s expression was resentful too. His own part in the affair, licking all the stamps and taking the packages to the post office, had been totally overlooked.

Willow pouted. She, too, had played a part in the affair, and her contribution had been dismissed as unimportant. It wasn’t fair.

“I am going to appoint Angel-san to the position,” Giles went on, “of – Lord High Executioner!”

Angel beamed and bowed low. “I am honored, Giles-sama. Long live the Shogun!”

“Defer, defer, to the Lord High Executioner,” Giles bid his entourage. “And now, with my Geishas back to perform the tee ceremony, I’m off to play golf.”

- - - - -


Drusilla scaled the walls with the ease of a gecko, despite the two heavy packages that she was carrying, and slipped from shadow to shadow and made her way to Angel’s room. She unwrapped a package and slipped it under his pillow, and then proceeded to Buffy’s room and did the same with the other package. She silently crept away and lowered herself from the walls.

A little later Buffy entered her room, performed her nightly ablutions, and lay down to sleep. She felt something hard under her pillow and pulled it out. She lit her lamp and examined it. A book. A pillow book. ‘Seduction For Dummies’.

She opened it and looked at the pictures. Her cheeks went red. Surely no decent girl would do such things? Like, wow, that looked pretty hot. She turned the pages eagerly, getting hotter and hotter. She resolved to try out some of those moves on Angel as soon as possible.

In his room Angel was reading his own pillow book and getting just as hot. Eventually he tore himself away from the seductive pleasures and settled down to a good session of brooding.

- - - - -


“Here’s the gold, Wesley-san. You got my canon?”

“Certainly, Chopstick-san,” the Englishman assured him. He took the bag of gold and counted it quickly. “Here he is.” Wesley pushed a middle-aged gaijin towards Chopstick.

“Dear friends, it behooves us, at this most special time of year, to remember the events of one thousand six hundred and ninety-eight years ago in a little town called Bethlehem,” the gaijin addressed the ninja. “A child was born…”

“What the hell is he blathering on about?” Chopstick interrupted. “Who is this gaijin, and where is my canon?”

Wesley frowned. “Right here. The Reverend Canon Quentin Travers.”

“Bloody hell! I’m not going to blow the bloody doors off with this git!” Chopstick cursed.

“Oh, dear,” Wesley sighed. “You wanted a cannon.”

Continued in PART SIX


Tags: ,
Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: Runrig, "Beat the Drum"

23 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
ffutures From: ffutures Date: December 23rd, 2005 08:43 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh dear, I actually saw that one coming. You're slipping!

Lovely episode anyway, looking forward to much more.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 25th, 2005 04:04 am (UTC) (Link)
I actually saw that one coming. You're slipping!

Or you're learning what to expect!

Thank you!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 25th, 2005 04:05 am (UTC) (Link)
and Merry Christmas!
hesadevil From: hesadevil Date: December 23rd, 2005 11:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh. This is so . . .

How have I missed the earlier chapters?

G&S was never this funny when we performed it at school.

::adds to memories to read over hot mince pies and Winter Pimms later this weekend::

Merry Christmas.
hesadevil From: hesadevil Date: December 23rd, 2005 11:13 am (UTC) (Link)
Just worked it out. You started it while we were in France. Thanks for tagging it.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 25th, 2005 04:05 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, and Merry Christmas.
booster17 From: booster17 Date: December 23rd, 2005 11:08 am (UTC) (Link)
*winces*

I, on the other hand, never saw it coming. Ouch!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 25th, 2005 04:06 am (UTC) (Link)
Heh!
gillo From: gillo Date: December 23rd, 2005 11:25 am (UTC) (Link)
Taken from the Isle of Man
By a set of curious chances
Taking chopsticks and a fan
For Japanese recognisances
Surely never had a male
So hilarious a tale....

More. Soon. Please.

Speakr sama, Speakr sama
On no ma no maya ni.

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 25th, 2005 04:06 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, and Merry Christmas.
enigmaticblues From: enigmaticblues Date: December 23rd, 2005 04:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
Really? Are we running out of time? No, you've still got two and a half weeks! That's lots of time. *g*
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 25th, 2005 04:07 am (UTC) (Link)
Remember that 5 days out of 10 I'm completely unable to do any writing.

Merry Christmas!
sharelle From: sharelle Date: December 23rd, 2005 06:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hee! Awesome!

My computer was very lucky that I wasn't drinking during this part:

I want to play golf, and there is no-one to perform the tee ceremony.

And all your parodies of The Mikado! *giggles*
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 25th, 2005 04:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
(Deleted comment)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 25th, 2005 04:08 am (UTC) (Link)
I love you too. Thank you!
drakontaskyria From: drakontaskyria Date: December 25th, 2005 02:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Very nicely done - I'm enjoying your Dojo story as much as your others. And as it's getting all late in the evening on Christmas Eve here, I'll wish you and your family a very happy holiday.

Enjoy!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 25th, 2005 04:10 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, and Happy Holiday (in the American idiom) to you.
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: December 3rd, 2006 05:32 am (UTC) (Link)

firing canon

Well, *I* didn't see it coming -- I thought it was a typo. I should have known better than to doubt you.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 4th, 2006 12:24 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: firing canon

I just had to parody it. The other common error that sets my teeth on edge, and that I have already dealt with elsewhere, is the well-known "Wesley the Rouge Demon Slayer".
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: December 4th, 2006 01:47 pm (UTC) (Link)

Rouge Demon Slayer -- Makeup! (Okay, Sailor Moon joke, there)

I bow to your mastery of parady.
vikingprincess From: vikingprincess Date: July 11th, 2007 05:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
OMFG, Gilbert and Sullivan! You are teh EVOL GENIUS!

Gack! AND Judge Dredd!

canon vs. cannon spelling errors - one of my pet peeves! LOL

tee ceremony. So. Wrong.

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 12th, 2007 08:51 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

Here's a link to a drabble in which I satirise another of my pet peeve fandom spelling errors - it may well be one that you find equally grating.

http://speakr2customrs.livejournal.com/36169.html
vikingprincess From: vikingprincess Date: July 13th, 2007 01:04 am (UTC) (Link)
off to read!
23 comments or speak 2 me