Speaker-to-Customers (speakr2customrs) wrote,

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Sunnydale Passions Episode 6

Inspired by the wise words of rahirahbut there's no reason to make Riley a wife-beater, Giles a drunk, Willow an evil mastermind, Xander a moron, Spike a malicious idiot, Angel a Neanderthal, Buffy a stone bitch who glories in her bitchness, or whatever.”, here is the sixth installment of the lunatic soap opera ‘Sunnydale Passions’, in which all those things are true. 3,175 words, rating PG-13 or maybe just edging into R.

Previously in Sunnydale Passions: Episode One / Episode Two / Episode Three / Episode Four / Episode Five



Episode Six

Return of The Dead Guy

Previously on ‘Sunnydale Passions’:

Faith woke from her coma, boinked Spike and befriended his pet kangaroo Skippy, and then swapped bodies with Buffy and used her new body to pop Cave!Angel like warm champagne, thereby causing him to lose his soul. Tara discovered that Willow was evil and fled to seek shelter with Spike and Faith. Spike pointed out that having Angelus on the loose was a bad idea, and they decided to re-soul him. Riley came up with a new plan to gain super-human powers, this time involving the creation of a radio-active rabbit. Joyce had hot monk-y sex. Harmony ate Parker.

Confused? You will be, after this episode of ‘Sunnydale Passions’. Now read on …

- - - - -

“Been thinking, pets,” Spike said to the two girls. “Bit of a bugger Faith having to keep a low profile, innit? Could do with her having a bit more freedom of movement without worrying about being arrested.”

“Yeah, true, but what can we do about it?” Faith agreed.

“Well,” Spike grinned, “I’ve got a cunning plan.”

Skippy hopped over to Spike, chittered loudly, and gesticulated with his paws.

Spike lowered his eyes. “Okay, got me there,” he said. “Actually it was Skippy came up with it.”

“Wicked cool, Skippy,” Faith smiled, and stroked the kangaroo. “What’s the plan?”

“You’ll have to rent a costume,” Spike explained, “and we’ll need a bit of help from Glinda the Good Witch, and it’s lucky that I haven’t eaten Riley’s doe rabbit yet. Goes like this …”

- - - - -

“I was persuaded to give you your job back, against my better judgment, because I’m a benevolent and caring employer,” Montgomery Burns told Xander, “and also because I didn’t want a vampire to pull my arms off. Do you swear never to take any arthropods into the reactor chamber ever again?”

“Sure thing, boss,” Xander grinned. “No insects, no spiders, no crabs, lobsters, crayfish, centipedes, or anything else with chitinous exoskeletons and more than four legs.”

“Very well, Harris, get back to work,” Mr. Burns dismissed him.

Xander left the office, wiped sweat from his brow, and headed for his locker where he had stashed the buck rabbit.

“Who is my next appointment, Smithers?” Mr. Burns asked.

“A young man named Andrew Wells,” Smithers told him. “He has a plan to use the reactor to create mutated flying monkeys.”

- - - - -

Most girls would have felt self-conscious about walking through the center of Sunnydale dressed in a Bunny Girl costume, but not Faith. She strode confidently towards a police car, swaying her hips ostentatiously, and reveling in the attention that she was drawing from male eyes.

“Can I help you, miss?” one of the police car crew asked, his eyes riveted to her cleavage, and obviously hoping very much that the answer would be “yes”.

Faith pried loose the rivets, passed the cop his eyes back, and frowned. The plan wasn’t going to work if they didn’t look at her face. “Yo, dude, maybe you can,” she said. “I’m Faith Lehane.”

“And you’re wanting a partner to go to a costume party?” the cop asked optimistically. “I get off duty in an hour, and I’m already wearing a cop costume.”

Faith gritted her teeth. “Faith Lehane not ring bells with you? Wanted murderess? Dramatic hospital escape? Wasn’t there an APB out on me?”

The cop looked at her blankly. His partner dropped his hot dog and grabbed for a shotgun. “Holy crap! The Pointy Stick Killer!”

“Good to know that there’s one of Sunnydale’s Finest who can think with something above his waist,” Faith muttered. “Yeah, that’s me. Catch me if you can, dudes.” She turned and fled, zigzagging and dodging behind passers-by, taking care not to go so fast that they would lose her completely.

They pursued her in the car for a short distance until she turned and ran into the cemetery, forcing them to disembark and continue the chase on foot. The cops opened up with a volley of fire once the danger of hitting innocent bystanders with stray bullets appeared to be gone. They didn’t hit anyone but they did give Tara, who was hiding behind a gravestone, quite a fright. She gulped, and ducked down even lower, but went ahead and cast her spell.

The cops gasped in amazement as the fleetingly-glimpsed running figure seemed to shimmer and transmogrify before their very eyes. She wasn’t a Bunny Girl any more, just a bunny. A giant rabbit.

Still, this was Sunnydale, and it wasn’t quite the strangest thing that they had seen. Working in a town in which the Mayor had turned into a giant snake and tried to devour the High School graduating class had opened their minds to many possibilities. They paused only briefly and then continued their bullet-spraying pursuit.

The giant rabbit disappeared behind a crypt and the cops heard a piercing scream come from that direction. They gulped, and their gun hands trembled, but they made their way in that direction and peered cautiously around the corner of the crypt.

They didn’t see Faith. What they did see was a blond man in a leather coat holding a feebly struggling rabbit to his mouth. He lowered the rabbit, now still and limp, and glared at them. “What do you want, copper?” he asked, his mouth bloodstained. “Can’t a vampire get his supper in piece these days without some pillocks shooting everything in sight?”

“Vampire?” one of the cops quavered, keeping his pistol trained on the man.

“Totally harmless, guv, got a chip in my head stops me eating people, squire, courtesy of your government. Got to make do eating rabbits and such.” He licked his lips. “Got to say this is the tastiest rabbit I’ve had in a long while. Tastes as good as the real stuff. Hang on, what’s this?”

As the policemen stared in amazement Spike upended the rabbit and removed a piece of cloth from its hindquarters. “Bloody hell, that’s weird,” Spike commented. “This rabbit was wearing knickers.”


“Panties to you, squire,” Spike translated. “Cripes, the bugger’s wearing a tiny bra as well.”

The cops’ eyes bugged out. “It’s her!” one exclaimed. “Faith Lehane! She turned into a real rabbit and got eaten!”

“Oh, shit!” Spike swore. “Hope that doesn’t mean I’m in trouble. Didn’t have any bloody idea, did I? Just thought it was a rabbit.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” one of the policemen told him. “She was a wanted fugitive evading arrest. You helped us out.”

“Phew, that’s a relief,” Spike said, wiping his brow. “Wouldn’t be a reward, guv, would there?”

“I don’t know,” the cop said. “I’ll check with the Captain when I make my report.” He held out his hands and Spike handed him the dead rabbit.

Once the policemen had departed Faith and Skippy emerged from the crypt and Tara came out from behind the headstone. “Hey, you think they’re dumb enough to fall for it?” Faith asked.

“This is Sunnydale, pet, ‘course they are,” Spike assured her. “No worries, right, Skippy?”

Skippy nodded vigorously and then snuggled up to Faith. “Yo, smart kangaroo,” the Slayer praised him, and stroked his fur. Skippy preened, nuzzled her hand, and then stuck his head between her legs and began to rub his muzzle against her. He maneuvered his snout under her skirt and began to lick her panties. Tara went crimson. Faith giggled.

“Bloody hell,” Spike said, eyebrows high. “Guess I know now why they call you Skippy the Bush Kangaroo.”

- - - - -

“I’ve m-m-managed to g-get the spell from W-W-Willow’s room,” Tara announced. “It doesn’t look all that hard. W-we just need to g-get hold of an Orb of Thesulah.”

“Great work, pet. Bet the Watcher’s got one tucked away somewhere. I’ll pop over and see.”

Skippy chittered at him and gesticulated pointedly.

“What’s that you say, Skippy? You want me to see if Riley’s come up with a mate for you yet?” Spike grinned. “Oh, so that’s why you were doing the muff-diving bit. No worries, Skippy, I’ll pop in on Captain Cardboard while I’m at it. You just behave yourself.”

Skippy nodded, hopped over to the television, and switched it on. He sat down in front of it, propping himself up on his tail, and settled down to watch a ‘Knight Rider’ rerun.

“He’s very intelligent,” Tara remarked.

“Damn right,” Spike agreed. “S’ppose those Initiative berks must have got their experimental animals from somewhere doing genetic engineering or some such. Hmm. Wonder if there was anything odd about the bunny rabbits?”

- - - - -

Xander put the carrying cage down in the corner of the room and looked around nervously. “Anya won’t like it if she finds that I’ve brought a bunny into the house,” he muttered nervously. “I hope Spike comes to collect it soon.”

Inside the cage the rabbit snarled and clawed at the wire. Its eyes glowed red.

“Hmm.” Xander mused, staring at the creature. “Maybe she has a point. It sure looks evil.” He shrugged, and shook his head. “No way. Rabbits are cute. They’ve got those hoppy legs, and twitchy little noses, and eat carrots. I must be imagining things. It can’t really be evil.”

The rabbit abandoned its attempt to claw through the wire and sat up on its haunches. It twitched its nose and wiggled its ears.

“Yeah, just a cute little guy,” Xander said. He stuck a finger through the wire and started to stroke the rabbit’s head.

It bit him viciously.

“Yow!” Xander exclaimed. “Naughty bunny!” He put his finger in his mouth and sucked on it. “That hurt. I could really do with a carrot. Sure hope that Anya gets back soon. I’m feeling really horny. Hey, there are interesting things that we could do with carrots. I’d never thought of that before.”

He glared at the rabbit. “You sure are a savage little brute, bunny. Just watch it, Bugs, or I’ll break out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.”

The door opened. “Hi, honey, I’m home,” Anya announced brightly, and then she caught sight of the cage. “Xander Harris! What is that hideous creature doing here?”

“Ehh,” Xander said, twitching his nose. “What’s up, Doc?”

- - - - -

“Ugg!” Angelus grunted. “Want minions. Harmony bring Angelus minions.”

“Oh, that’s more like it,” Harmony smiled. “I kinda miss civilization, you know. Are we going to have a party? Should I get those little cheese cubes, and pieces of pineapple, and cocktail sticks too?”

Angelus stared at her in confusion. “Minions!” he growled.

“Yeah, right, I heard you the first time,” Harmony replied. Her brow creased. “Uh, are minions not those little onions after all?”

- - - - -

Spike arrived at Xander’s place and found the young man outside busily digging a hole in the lawn. The rabbit cage was on the grass beside him and the red-eyed rabbit was watching the excavations with interest.

“Ehh, what’s up, Doc?” Xander greeted the vampire.

“Was about to ask you the same question,” Spike said. “Demon bird kick you out ‘cos of the rabbit, did she?”

“No, Anya went off in a huff and she says she won’t be back until I get rid of it,” Xander replied. “I just felt like digging a burrow – a hole, that is. Got any carrots?”

“Sorry, mate, no can do,” Spike said. “I’ll just take the rabbit and go. If I run into Anya I’ll tell her it’s safe to come home. Any idea where she went?”

“Nope. She just packed up her scantiest undies, her highest heeled shoes, and a jar of chocolate body paint, and said she was going to snuggle up with a good book.”

Spike choked. “Think I might have an idea where I could find her,” he said, once he could talk again. “Ta muchly for irradiating the rabbit, mate. See you around.”

- - - - -

Riley answered the door wearing a frilly white apron.

“Wotcher, Cardboard, Slayer got you doing the cleaning again?” Spike asked.

“She’s making me steam-clean the couch,” Riley explained. “She says she can’t bear to sit on it until it’s been thoroughly sterilized, after what she saw her mom doing there the other day. I can’t wait to get super-powers so that I can get her to do her own damn cleaning. Did you get the rabbit?”

“Got more rabbit than Sainsbury’s,” Spike assured him. “You got the mate for Skippy?”

Riley shuffled his feet. “Uhh, not exactly,” he said. “All the kangaroos in the Initiative labs are male. I could get one of the docs to do a sex change operation on one, I guess.”

Spike frowned. “Bloody hell, that’s not on. Not gonna palm a transsexual marsupial off on my Skippy. You’re not getting the rabbit till you come up with the real thing.”

“There’s a female wallaby,” Riley offered. “Would that do?”

Spike sucked in his lips and thought. “Dunno,” he said. “Have to ask Skippy, won’t I? Tell you what, squire, he’s gonna be hopping mad about this. Think I’d better get back to the crypt and tie my kangaroo down.”

- - - - -

“Wotcher, Watcher,” Spike greeted Giles.

“Oh, hello, Spike.” Giles fiddled with his glasses. “This isn’t really a good time, you know. Can you come back later?” He replaced his glasses on his nose, looked at the vampire and the two girls who accompanied him, and his embarrassed expression suddenly changed into one of alarm. “Dear Lord! Faith!”

“Chill out, Mister Giles,” Faith said soothingly. “Faith’s dead. I’m her sister Hope Lehane.”

“Good Lord! A twin? The resemblance is quite remarkable.” Giles peered at her skeptically. “Are you sure? I haven’t heard anything about Faith being dead.”

“Geez, Mister Giles, I think that I can be sure about who I am,” Faith grinned.

Spike thrust a newspaper at the Watcher. “Read this, mate. Faith is dead, right enough. You’d probably have noticed it yourself if you hadn’t been too busy shagging Demon Bird.”

“I, um, well, how did you know about that?”

Spike tried to look sardonic and aloof. “I have my methods, Watson.” He smirked. “Truth is, she was too bloody clever about what she said to the whelp when she went out. He might be too thick to work it out, but it was a bit bloody obvious. She’s still here, right? Got a message from Harris. The rabbit is gone, and it’s safe for her to go home.”

“Oh, I suppose I’d better,” Anya’s voice came from inside the apartment. “Just give me twenty minutes to clean off the rest of the body paint.”

“Anyway, this is bloody important,” Spike went on. “Angelus is on the loose.”

“I know,” Giles told him. “The blighter bit me. Would have killed me if my blood hadn’t inebriated him. Never fear, however, I have taken steps to set things right.”

“What, you’ve ordered the Slayer to stake him, have you? S’ppose I can unlive with that.”

“Alas, Buffy no longer takes orders from me,” Giles lamented. “No, I’ve sent for Angel’s team from Los Angeles.” He glanced at his watch. “In fact they should be here very soon. It’s just as well that you came, Spike, I had quite lost track of the time.”

“Yeah, time flies when you’re having fun, dunnit? Anyway, we’ve got another plan to deal with Angelus. Tara here is gonna stick a soul back in the sod. Needs an Orb of Thesulah to do it. Got one?”

“I have,” Giles admitted, “but I am rather loath to part with it. I use it as a paperweight. Without it all my valuable texts would blow away and be lost.”

“What if I could provide something else to do as a paperweight?” Spike offered. He withdrew a bottle from his coat pocket. “Glenmorangie single malt. Seal unbroken, no tricks this time, straight up, guv.”

“Ah,” Giles smiled, “that puts quite a different complexion on things.”

- - - - -

Wesley stared suspiciously at ‘Hope’ Lehane. “You do look remarkably like your sister.”

“Well, yeah, kinda goes with the whole us being triplets gig,” Faith pointed out. “You oughta meet my other sister Charity some time. Hey, you look a whole lot cooler than the description of you that I got from Faith. I guess life in LA must have changed you. Kinda like you’ve found your place in life. Looks like you came into some money, too.”

Giles blushed scarlet and everyone stared at him except for Wesley.

“Ah, yes, after the ignominious failure of my career as Watcher to your sister I found my true métier in life,” Wesley explained, ignoring Giles’ apparent embarrassment. “I exploited a niche market as a Rouge Demon Hunter.”

“A Rouge demon hunter?” Spike echoed.

“Yes, a very profitable career. The foundation, if I can venture a pun, of the entire cosmetics industry.”

“They m-m-make rouge with demon parts?” Tara asked, her eyes wide.

“Indeed they do,” Wesley confirmed.

“B-b-but that’s awful!” Tara gasped. “Killing sentient creatures to m-make cosmetics! It’s cruel and heartless.”

“Listen, sister, nothing’s more important than the right cosmetic products,” Cordelia put in. “Well, except for maybe shoes, and hair, and clothes.”

“And money,” Anya added. Giles blushed again.

“W-w-well, I still think that it’s t-terrible,” Tara said.

“I assure you there is no need to be concerned,” Wesley said soothingly. “Rouge demons are not sentient. They are rampaging monsters intent only on destruction, carnage, and mayhem.”

Tara relaxed.

“Speaking of rampaging monsters,” Spike said, “are we gonna get on with putting the pillock’s soul back or what?”

“Yeah, let’s do it, and then we can take him back to LA,” Cordelia said. “He’s been away far too long. He should be feeling really guilty, I should be able to play on it enough to get at least one good shopping spree out of him.”

“And I might be able to prevail upon him to buy me some new weaponry,” Wesley nodded. “Let us do it now.”

- - - - -

“Asa sa fie! Asa sa fie! Acum! Acum!” Tara spoke the final words of the spell and gestured emphatically. The Orb glowed brightly and then two beams of light shot forth from it. The Orb went dark again.

“Well? Did it work?” Cordelia demanded.

“We must sally forth and locate Angel. Only then shall we know for sure,” Wesley said.

“I’m sure it w-w-w-worked,” Tara assured them.

Spike groaned piteously. “I feel myself consumed with guilt,” he wailed, “for all the blood that I have spilt. For years I treated Man as food. I think that I will go and brood. I was an evil, vile, vampire. Perhaps I’ll set myself on fire.”

Everyone stared at him. Tara blushed. “Oops. I guess I m-missed.”

Cordelia scowled at her. “Nice one, dumbass. Now we’re gonna have to battle Angelus.”

“I think not,” Giles told her. “I saw two beams of light.”

“You’re probably seeing two of everything,” Cordelia scoffed.

“I assure you that I am perfectly sober at the moment,” Giles said. “I haven’t had anything to drink all day. I’ve been busy doing, ah, other things.”

“Chocolate body paint is completely non-alcoholic,” Anya pointed out. “He’s sober.”

“Yes, indeed. I definitely saw two beams.”

“I saw them too, guys,” Faith backed him. “Tara got both of them.”

“S-s-sorry,” Tara said, hiding her face behind her hair.

“Is this a bad thing?” Cordelia asked. “’Cause hey, souls are good, right? Spike was a major bad guy before he got the chip. A soul’s a good back-up.”

“My moral sense was badly bent. Now my soul gleams; it’s effulgent,” Spike declaimed.

Faith groaned. “No way am I putting up with this. You guys round up Angelus. I’m gonna take Spike home and give him a moment of pure happiness.”

Spike recoiled, a look of horror on his face. “I don’t deserve that purest joy, for I have been a bad bad boy.”

Continued in Episode Seven of Nine

The characters in this story do not belong to me, but are being used for amusement only and all rights remain with Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the writers of the original episodes, and the TV and production companies responsible for the original television shows. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ©2002 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All Rights Reserved. The Buffy the Vampire Slayer trademark is used without express permission from Fox.

Tags: fic, sunnydale_passions
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