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Fake synopses of erotic fiction - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
Fake synopses of erotic fiction
At this year’s WriterConUK event curiouswombat gave a talk on writing sex scenes – you can find her write-up of it HERE. She ran most of it past me, in the run-up to the Con, and I mentioned to her some of the differences between erotica for men and for women. As a result of our discussion I’ve written up a couple of hypothetical synopses of stereotypical erotic fics for women and for men (and no, I’m not going to write them for real). Oh, and they're written from an English perspective.

332 words and 181 words respectively, rating uncertain (no naughty words or explicit content but the concepts are adult), and definitely not to be taken seriously.


For women: The Chocolate Girl


Diana is an ordinary girl from the village of Nether Lips in the Cotswolds. She is only moderately pretty, until she discovers that, due to a rare metabolic imbalance, eating Belgian chocolate causes her to lose weight and gives her clear and perfect skin. Soon she has become radiantly beautiful and moves to London where she attracts the attention of Jeremy, a successful architect.

Jeremy is tall and handsome with gleaming white teeth and, as is revealed in a series of gratuitous and contrived shirtless scenes, has a tautly muscled (despite working in an office and rarely if ever going to the gym) and naturally hairless chest. The hair on his head, by contrast, is lustrous and wavy and described in such detail that by the end of the chapter the reader feels that she knows each individual hair by name.

Jeremy courts her and soon (but not too soon) manages to get her into his (large, well-sprung, and with sheets and duvet of Egyptian cotton) bed. There he makes tender yet passionate love to her, over the course of several pages, with meticulous descriptions of the things he does to each of her erogenous zones (but only a cursory mention of what she does to him other than kisses and caresses). Afterwards he talks about his feelings (with no need for assistance from an animated dog), showers (and picks up the towels), and applies Gucci by Gucci Pour Homme Sport gentlemen’s fragrance.

On their second date he arrives precisely on time, despite the date clashing with England’s penalty shoot-out against Italy, and they have a romantic candlelight dinner and then more tender and passionate sex.

On their third date they engage in a little mild BDSM (because it’s fashionable and because a third instance of the tender yet passionate stuff would be too repetitive) and then move on to the wedding planning (in which he takes an active part and actually makes pertinent suggestions).

And they both live happily ever after.


For men: Frigate Birds


Dianne is a thirty-four year old married woman with a 38DD bust. She is virtuous until one weekend when, with her husband away on a business trip, she lets her divorced (and equally well-stacked) friends Sharon and Tracy entice her to accompany them on a night on the town.

Unknown to the three women the Brazilian Niterói Class frigate Constituição (3,500 tons, 2 Rolls-Royce Olympus gas turbines, 30 knots, armed with two MM-40 Exocet missiles and one 4.5 inch gun) is in port for a goodwill visit. Dianne and her friends end up in the same nightclub as the sailors and succumb to their Latin charms.

In a wild night of debauchery the three women take on all 209 officers and men, in every possible position and combination (including a gratuitous and contrived girl-on-girl scene), with many copious ejaculations and even a little spanking (Brazilian whacks). At the end of the night, with the men all exhausted and de-tumescent, the women are brought to orgasm by the long and supple tongue of the ship’s mascot Ayrton the giant anteater (Myrmecophaga tridactyla).
24 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
rahirah From: rahirah Date: July 1st, 2012 09:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
I was with you until the last sentence, but aren't porn guys all permanently priapic?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 1st, 2012 09:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
Only on film, not in written works.
timeofchange From: timeofchange Date: July 2nd, 2012 10:37 am (UTC) (Link)
Hahahahaha!
slaymesoftly From: slaymesoftly Date: July 1st, 2012 10:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
ROFLMAO Too, too true!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2012 07:05 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
gillo From: gillo Date: July 1st, 2012 10:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
No, NOT the anteater.

The rest? Possibly.

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2012 07:07 am (UTC) (Link)
What's wrong with anteaters? They're cute.
gillo From: gillo Date: July 2nd, 2012 09:32 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm just not furrily-inclined, I guess.
bogwitch From: bogwitch Date: July 1st, 2012 10:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Aryton, hee!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2012 07:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Or, to give him his full name, Ayrton Senna Da Silva Anteater.
brunettepet From: brunettepet Date: July 2nd, 2012 05:47 am (UTC) (Link)
despite the date clashing with England’s penalty shoot-out against Italy No. My Diana would be sitting on the couch with a six pack and the game on waiting impatiently for Jeremy to settle down and watch. It's UEFA, for goodness sakes and look at all of Rooney's new hair!

And they both live even happier ever after.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2012 07:15 am (UTC) (Link)
As long as your Diana doesn't spend the whole match discussing Rooney's hair.
timeofchange From: timeofchange Date: July 2nd, 2012 10:38 am (UTC) (Link)
Hilariously brilliant.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2012 11:15 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
sockmonkeyhere From: sockmonkeyhere Date: July 2nd, 2012 04:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Diana is an ordinary girl from the village of Nether Lips

It was at this point that I died of laughter and waz ded. BWAAAAAHA! XD
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2012 08:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's from curiouswombat's WriterConUK talk.
rebcake From: rebcake Date: July 2nd, 2012 05:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
You had me at "anteater".
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2012 08:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
But that's is the third from last word!
ex_thenniel From: ex_thenniel Date: July 2nd, 2012 05:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
Tell me more about this chocolate...
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2012 09:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
So, my deduction that it would be the ultimate female fantasy was correct...
brutti_ma_buoni From: brutti_ma_buoni Date: July 2nd, 2012 08:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
I laugh, and yet the Times today had an apparently genuine agony question from a woman who's loving 50 Shades of Trite and wanted to use it to spice up her previously tedious love life. Her husband, apparently, was not keen. I can't imagine why. (If only it went into a bit more detail about the bondage-wear specifications, maybe they could find a happy compromise.)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 2nd, 2012 09:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
Has she tried getting the bondage wear in England team colours?
thismaz From: thismaz Date: July 8th, 2012 06:58 am (UTC) (Link)
*laughing* Those Olympus gas turbine engines are so sexy.
Just catching up and read this. I am left gazing at my screen with admiration and horror *g*
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: July 9th, 2012 05:02 am (UTC) (Link)
56,000 horsepower. That's definitely sexy.

Thank you!
24 comments or speak 2 me