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Ficlet: The Incredible Xander - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
Ficlet: The Incredible Xander
Our external central heating boiler blew up today, sending a jet of scalding water across the back garden, and now we have no hot water or radiators and will be thousands of pounds poorer shortly unless the house insurance covers it. If I ever manage to get past their insane automated phone menu system and get through to someone I can ask, that is… The good news is that a plumber came straight away, the new boiler has already been delivered, and the installation will be completed tomorrow.

I’ve been continuing my attempts to write a story that will guarantee my victory in next year’s Cross-Over Awards at ‘Twisting the Hellmouth’ by appealing to the Super!Xander mob. Yet again I’ve completely failed to take the project seriously and the XanderZone people might not be too thrilled with the result. This time Xander’s Halloween costume is a superhero of matchless physical power but perhaps not the sharpest knife in the box. Featuring a pairing that I doubt if anyone else has ever come up with… Starts during the Season 2 episode ‘Halloween’ and continues through Seasons 3 to 5. Rating R, exactly 2,000 words.

The Incredible Xander


Ethan raised his eyebrows as he looked at the pitifully small amount of change in the young man’s hand. “That’s not very much,” he said. “It’s not even enough to cover the cost of cleaning the costume on return, still less to make me any profit on the deal.” He saw the boy’s face fall and he assumed a kindly smile. “However, young man, I hate to let anyone go away disappointed. I’ll tell you what. For that, I’ll give you a pot of green body-paint and a pair of trousers that were returned to me in damaged condition.”

Xander frowned. “Green paint and a pair of ripped pants? What kind…” Realization dawned on him and the frown was replaced by a beaming smile. “Wow! That is so cool. Thanks. Thanks a lot.” He handed over his money, took the items, and left the shop.

“Oh, don’t thank me, dear boy,” Ethan said, after Xander was out of earshot. “I’ll be amply repaid by the amount of devastation you’ll do. I think, however, that I’d better set up for the spell somewhere rather further away than I’d originally planned. Somewhere well out of harm’s way. Cape Town, perhaps, or Vladivostok.”

- - - - -


Xander leapt over a building. The earth shook with the impact as he landed. “Hulk smash!” he roared. He seized a Sasquatch that was pursuing Cordelia, drew back his arm, and sent it hurtling through the air to crash down four hundred yards away.

“Thanks,” Cordelia gasped. She ran her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath. “That’s the second time you’ve saved me. I made you an offer the first time, and you just brushed me off, probably ‘cause you were just too dumb to understand. This time I’ll spell it out real plain in words of one syllable. You can date me. We can make out. Capisce?”

“Hulk smash,” Xander grunted. He took off in a flying leap and landed on the roof of a house. Tiles shattered, others were dislodged and rained down into the street, and from inside the house came cries of alarm. Xander stared around for a moment and then jumped again. He landed on top of a vampire, smashing it to the ground, and then bent and ripped off its head. It crumbled to dust.

Cordelia rolled her eyes. “That proves it. Xander Harris is the dumbest male on the planet.”

- - - - -


“I didn’t break the spell,” Giles admitted. “Ethan must have cast it from somewhere outside Sunnydale. I was unable to locate the statue that must be shattered before the effects can be purged. It simply ran its course and expired.”

“I nearly got killed,” Buffy said. “If Xander the Hulk hadn’t shown up and thrown Spike into the middle of next week he’d have eaten me. Thank goodness it’s over.”

“I’m afraid it’s not that simple,” Giles said. “As the spell was not broken it will recur. Next Halloween you will all be afflicted once more.”

“I’ll have to choose a better costume next time,” Buffy said. “Xena, maybe.”

Giles shook his head. “It is this year’s costume that will determine who you become,” he said. “You will be an Eighteenth-century noblewoman, Willow will be a ghost, and the children will again turn into vampires and demons rampaging through the streets.”

“Oh, great,” Buffy said. “I’ll be all with the simpering and fainting and not able to do anything to stop them.”

“Indeed,” Giles said, “and Xander’s situation is much worse. Because of the Hulk’s unique affliction he will be affected at all times, not just Halloween.”

“At all times? So he’ll be all with the green, and the ripped pants, and the ‘Hulk smash!’, and the muscles?”

“Not all the time,” Giles said, “but he will suffer from the curse of Bruce Banner. Whenever he feels rage the beast will break free. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.”

- - - - -


“Sorry, Buff, I’m too scared to be angry,” Xander confessed.

Buffy looked up at the Mayor, now an enormous snake demon towering over them, and gulped. “Crap. The whole plan was based on you turning into the Hulk and now you can’t do it?”

“Sorry,” Xander said again.

Buffy’s eyes gleamed. “Cordy,” she called, “give me a hand here, would you?”

“Sure thing,” Cordelia assented. “So, Xander, you’re being a waste of space as usual. Just what I’d expect from a loser.”

“What’s that?”

“You heard me. Loser. Jerk. Dumbass. Zeppo. Useless waste of space with an exciting career behind a fast food counter ahead of you.”

Xander’s jaw tightened. “Hey, what’s with the insults?”

“Insults? I’m just telling it like it is,” Cordelia said. “You dress like a visually-challenged hobo, you smell like a garbage dump, and you have the brains of a squirrel.”

Xander’s lips curled back. “Stop it,” he growled.

“I haven’t even started, Zeppo,” Cordelia sneered. “You have the charisma of a dead skunk and the sex appeal of a slug. You…” She stopped her tirade as Xander’s skin turned green.

Muscles bulged. Cloth ripped as Xander burst out of his shirt. “Hulk smash!” he bellowed. Cordelia hid behind a chair. Xander’s eyes fell on the gigantic snake demon that had been the Mayor and he charged to the attack. His graduation gown billowed behind him as he seized the snake, ripped off its lower jaw, and then began to tie it in knots.

“Okay,” Buffy said, “it looks like Xander has things under control. We can start in on the vampires now.”

Cordelia emerged from behind the chair. “Did Mayor Wilkins eat Snyder, just before Xander changed, or was I imagining that part?”

“Nope, it really happened,” Buffy said, grinning. “Pretty much a win-win situation.”

- - - - -


“We should be brothers,” Adam said. “We are both stronger than humans, both indestructible, and both green. Join with me and destroy all those who would oppose us.”

“Hulk confused,” Xander replied, scratching his head.

“I shall do the thinking for both of us,” Adam said. “Follow me, friend, and indulge your passion for destruction. First, crush the Slayer.”

“Hulk smash!” Xander roared. He punched Adam and sent the cyborg crashing into the wall.

Adam lunged with his Polgara demon spike. The bony weapon shattered on Xander’s skin.

“Hulk crush ugly monster,” Xander growled. He tore off Adam’s arm and hit him with it. Adam struck back but achieved nothing. He frowned and activated one of his mechanisms. His remaining arm transformed into a built-in mini-gun and he opened fire.

The bullets bounced off Xander’s green skin with no effect other than to make the Hulk roar louder. Xander advanced, grabbed the gun, and crushed it into a solid mass of metal. He punched Adam again, breaking bone, and then began to rip the construct apart.

“This is not logical!” Adam protested. “I am perfection. How can I lose to a mere beast?”

“Hulk always win,” Xander declared. “Hulk smash!”

- - - - -


Glory and the Hulk traded blows. They were evenly matched for strength, both of them were virtually indestructible, and the fight was becoming a stalemate.

“This is pointless,” Glory said eventually. She lowered her hands. “I can’t beat you and you can’t beat me.”

“Hulk smash,” Xander said, but he followed her example and lowered his fists.

Glory tilted her head to one side and looked at him. “You know, you’re kinda handsome,” she said. She stepped over the corpse of Jinx, who had got in the way of one of the Hulk’s punches and become collateral damage, and slowly extended a hand. She stroked the Hulk’s bicep and smiled. “You sure have some serious muscle there, green guy,” she said. “You know, you’re the first guy I’ve met on this pathetic planet who could give me any competition. It’s kind of a turn-on.” She batted her eyes. “Maybe we could find better things to do than fight.”

Xander frowned. “Evil goddess pretty,” he conceded.

“Damn right, Hulk,” Glory said. She licked her lips. “I get the feeling subtlety would just go right over your head, so, I’ll get straight to the point. Wanna fuck?”

Xander grinned broadly. “Hulk fuck!”

- - - - -


The bed creaked and groaned as the two powerful beings writhed in a passionate embrace. Glory’s fingers dug into the Hulk’s broad back and her legs wrapped around his waist in a grip that would have instantly killed any mere human.

“I’m coming!” Glory gasped. “Oh, me, me! Glory, Glory, hallelujah! Oh! Oh! Ohhhhhhhh!”

“Hulk come!” Xander thrust away with redoubled speed. “Ugh! Hulk come!” The mighty muscles in his buttocks clenched as he gave one final thrust, groaned, and then uttered a deep sigh.

Glory tossed her head, giggled, and then clamped her lips to Xander’s. She kissed him, with surprising gentleness, and her legs loosened their grip on his waist. “Oh, that was good,” she said. “Wow, good and double good.”

“Hulk enjoy,” Xander said. “Fucking pretty Hell-goddess make Hulk feel nice.” He withdrew from Glory and moved to lie beside her.

“Yeah, that’s about the best thing that’s happened to me since I got kicked out of my home dimension,” Glory said. “Hmm. Maybe I could take you home with me once I find my Key. Or, if I don’t find it, having you as a boyfriend might make up for being stuck on this shitty planet. Although I’d have to find a way to…” A panicked expression began to spread over her face. “No! Not now! Stop! You can’t…”

The green of Xander’s skin was fading. His muscles shrank slightly. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice less deep than the Hulk’s mighty rumble.

Glory didn’t notice. “Noooo!” she wailed, and then suddenly she was gone. In her place was a man.

Ben stared at Xander and his mouth fell open. “What the hell?” he gasped.

Xander glared back. His green tint deepened and his muscles swelled up once more. “Where Glory?” he demanded. “What puny man done with pretty goddess?”

“Who the hell are you?” Ben asked. “In fact, what the hell are you? What’s Glory been doing? Were you actually screwing her?”

“You take goddess away,” Xander growled. “That make Hulk mad. Give Glory back or Hulk smash.” He got down from the bed and stood up, towering over Ben, and clenched his fists.

“I didn’t take her away,” Ben said. “She just can’t be here at the same time as me, that’s all.”

“Hah!” Xander grunted. “Me send you away, she come back. Hulk smash!” He plucked Ben from the bed and hurled him away. Directly at the window.

The glass shattered. Ben soared out into the air, screaming, and then gravity took over. Glory’s apartment was a penthouse suite and Ben plummeted four floors to the ground.

Xander grinned. “Now pretty goddess come back,” he said. “We fuck more.” He stared at the bed. “Goddess not back! Puny man lie to Hulk. Hulk smash puny man.” He ripped the bedclothes aside, pouted, and lifted up the bed to peer underneath. No Glory. Xander snarled, picked up the bed, and tossed it out of the window.

It landed on what was left of Ben.

- - - - -


“I’m gonna need to wash my brain out with soap,” Xander said.

“I’ll do that for you,” Anya said, “after I rip it out of your skull. You boinked Glory!”

“The Hulk boinked Glory,” Xander protested. “I didn’t have a whole lot of choice.” He screwed up his mouth. “And then Glory turned into Ben. Eww.”

“Glory was Ben,” Buffy said. “Ben was Glory.”

“And Ben’s dead,” Willow said. “So Glory’s dead too.”

“Ding, dong, the bitch is dead,” said Spike. “Didn’t think you had it in you, Harris.” He smirked. “Lucky she didn’t change a minute earlier, innit? Or you’d have had it in…”

“Don’t say it!” Xander clapped his hand over Spike’s mouth. “I’m turning green and it’s nothing to do with the Hulk. I feel sick.”

“Glory’s dead, Dawn’s safe,” Buffy said. “Thank you, Xander.”

“Well done, Xander,” Giles added.

“Yeah,” said Spike. “That was… fucking brilliant!”

The End

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44 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
sammywol From: sammywol Date: February 9th, 2009 05:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
Aaargh!!! Now is a very bad time to have no heating. Glad your plumber is on the ball at least. That safety vent did a good job. When our boiler was replaced last spring the new plumber had a few choice words to say about the previous guy, including the fact that he had set up the vent to release into our daughter's bedroom rather than to the outside. Does not bear thinking about!

As for 'Hulk fuck!' I think I strained something trying not to laugh out loud because there is no simple way to explain Hulk/BtVS crossover smut to a five year old. Glorious!
mylescorcoran From: mylescorcoran Date: February 9th, 2009 06:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well, Hulk is a very angry green man, who loves Glory very much. They have their own house and three hot meals a day...

Lovely stuff, S2C. Trust Spike to think of the potential.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
curiouswombat From: curiouswombat Date: February 9th, 2009 07:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
He refrained from telling you that I was out in the yard putting stuff in the recycling bin which is... right beside the heating unit. I heard a 'thunk' then boiling water started to run out of it towards my slipper clad feet!

But fortunately I side-stepped pretty quickly, and the steam mostly vented vertically!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's an external boiler and so the vent had no alternative but to vent outside. Our new plumber had a few choice words to say about the previous guy as well; the oil filter was installed in a place which makes blockages, should any occur, happen underground where they will be difficult to clear, things that should be lagged aren't, and the electrical cable used was sub-standard and has gone brittle.

Thank you!
kazzy_cee From: kazzy_cee Date: February 9th, 2009 06:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank goodness the spray of water went into the garden and no into the house!

Hope you can get it sorted out soon and that the Insurance will cough up!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! So do I, and that I can eventually navigate my way through the automated menu and get through to a human.
gillo From: gillo Date: February 9th, 2009 06:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh dear. Incredible Xander. He would save the day - I love his treatment of Adam, while your (and his) handling of Glory was just what Spike said.

Hmm. He wouldn't have needed Hulk form to sort out Dark Willow, though I'd fear for Spike and Anya in
Entropy
, but he could have made one hell of a mess of the uber-vamps in
Chosen
...

Great fun. I'd vote for it...
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks!

With no Buffy death and resurrection Season 6 should be a gentler, happier, time - and the fake vision of the future wouldn't be convincing without scenes of him turning into Hulk!Xander and smashing Anya, so perhaps he wouldn't leave her at the altar in the first place.

Only registered members can vote at Twisting the Hellmouth; if you're not registered your support doesn't count.
gillo From: gillo Date: February 9th, 2009 06:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Separate reply to express sympathy over exploding boiler. I hope none of the plants in the garden were damaged - Incredible Hulk Wombat would be a scary thought...

Hope it's sorted quickly. This is really not the weather for heatlessness, even if you haven't had snow as such. And I devoutly hope the insurance coughs up.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks!

I had planned to have a shower today - I had been putting it off because of the cold weather but I really need one - but that plan had to be abandoned as hypothermia is not a fun way to die.
(Deleted comment)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
The heating is being sorted out quickly - the plumber managed to find an in-stock boiler and he's already brought it round ready to be installed first thing tomorrow morning.

Thank you! I haven't done Hulk!Xander versus Olaf; my favourite troll is mighty, yes, but not in the same league as the Incredible Hulk.
pfeifferpack From: pfeifferpack Date: February 9th, 2009 06:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hope you stay warm while you wait on the fix (and hope the insurance covers it all). So you are providing geysers for the neighborhood to marvel over eh? So sorry you have to deal with that especially in winter.

LOVE the story. I believe Xander would be delighted to be the Hulk just as you have him react here. Finally a way for him to BE a superhero and help out even if pointing him in the right direction will require the strong hand of a Cordelia or Anya. Nicely done but I doubt Xander lovers will warm to the "brains of a squirrel" aspect even if it does fit LOL. I'D vote for it!

Kathleen
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! The geyser stopped when I shut the water off - the plumber then shut off the water to the boiler and we could put the house water back on. The new one should be installed tomorrow so we'll have heat again - just as well as it is below freezing.

Thank you! Alas, I think the Xander fans wouldn't vote for it as they like Xander to have the strength of Hercules, the brains of Einstein, mastery of the Force, the sophistication of Bond, and Papal infallibility.
pfeifferpack From: pfeifferpack Date: February 10th, 2009 12:49 am (UTC) (Link)
Hope you have a way to keep warm! *sending virtual electric blankets, hot tea and fuzzy socks*

Yup....Xander fans....I always wonder what show they watched to see all that in the boy wonder. The best he ever did was when he was split into two and then the "super" version was competent and mature and not a drooling doofus. He could manage being a side-kick but lacks the necessary for the super-hero. No Obi-wan...an Ewok maybe (now there's a crossover.....Xander king of the Ewoks a mighty fighting furball filled with donuts and no pants...er no, give him pants PLEASE.).

Kathleen
petzipellepingo From: petzipellepingo Date: February 9th, 2009 07:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
Exploding boilers and no heat are definitely bad things so I hope the insurance does cover it.

I like Hulk Xander!

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! And thank you!
ffutures From: ffutures Date: February 9th, 2009 07:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
Lovely - yes, the Xanderzone guys will not be appreciative.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! Yes, I really needed to give Hulk!Xander a PhD and twin .50 calibre Desert Eagles to really pull in that market.
framefolly From: framefolly Date: February 9th, 2009 07:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
So sorry about your boiler! Hope the insurance straightens everything out post haste.

And that was f**king brilliant indeed ;) !
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! And thank you!
deird1 From: deird1 Date: February 9th, 2009 07:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
That was marvelous!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
jedibuttercup From: jedibuttercup Date: February 9th, 2009 07:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
*snort* Awesome. A creative way to have Super!Xander without him overshadowing the entire rest of the cast. Of course, that's not what fans of Super!Xander are really looking for, so... =)

It occurred to me the other day that an Inkheart-style power-up of Xander might actually turn into a functional story that I wouldn't choke on whilst writing, but as that would build out of the throwaway "reading Latin in front of the books" scene rather than Halloween, it still doesn't exactly qualify for that particular popular category.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! Yes, Super!Xander overshadowing the entire rest of the cast (especially Buffy) is exactly what they're after...

I've just thought of doing one in which it's not a Halloween change but brought about through spam being real. Xander sends off for, and receives, pills that cause him to put on 40 pounds of muscle, others that increase his penis size to awesome proportions, and becomes a multi-millionaire through his commission on helping a former Nigerian minister launder 370 million dollars of purloined oil revenue - and several beautiful Russian women arrive all wanting to be his wife...
moscow_watcher From: moscow_watcher Date: February 9th, 2009 07:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
*giggles*
That was incredibly hilarious! :))
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
rahirah From: rahirah Date: February 9th, 2009 07:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Now THAT is quality literature. *g*
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
zanthinegirl From: zanthinegirl Date: February 9th, 2009 11:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
Bwaa-haa-haa! Perfect!!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 9th, 2009 11:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
lusciousxander From: lusciousxander Date: February 10th, 2009 01:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
Heee! So awesome!

This is a super Xander fan who doesn't like him being incredible. Thank you for mocking such a silly trend that got too popular in the Xander fiction.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 10th, 2009 01:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! Glad you liked it.

By the way, why did you Defriend me not long ago? Was it because I'd been criticising the comics? I assumed so, at the time, but you still have beer_good_foamy on your list and he's almost as critical as I am.
lusciousxander From: lusciousxander Date: February 10th, 2009 02:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
I did? I don't remember ever de-friending anyone until today, and I haven't seen your name. Maybe I've never friended you... all is good, thanks for telling me, I'd like to friend you as I enjoy your fics *g*

Was it because I'd been criticising the comics?

Nah, I don't de-friend others for having a different opinion. I only de-friend when the LJ member doesn't post about BtVS anymore and posts only about other fandoms I don't care about. If I'd de-friended you in the past, it must've been done by mistake... I should be more careful in the future.
rebcake From: rebcake Date: February 10th, 2009 06:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
“I’m coming!” Glory gasped. “Oh, me, me!

Spike's right, that was f#@king brilliant! I especially like how Cordy is essential for priming the secret weapon. They can't afford to let her leave town...

Thanks for posting!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 10th, 2009 06:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! Glad you liked it.
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: February 11th, 2009 08:22 am (UTC) (Link)
Sorry about the boiler ... home repair bills are the pits.

Too bad you can't get paid for stories like that!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 11th, 2009 08:27 am (UTC) (Link)
I've written a couple of original stories that I could get paid for - but I can't face the hassle of trying to sell them.
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: February 11th, 2009 09:56 am (UTC) (Link)
Tell me about it. Much as I want to be a published writer, I have to really push myself to get my stories in the mail -- it's a huge hassle.
thismaz From: thismaz Date: February 15th, 2009 08:11 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh dear. *grins* The Incredible Xander. I liked how Adam's arrogance brought him down - IX may be thick, but he remembers his loyalties. And Glory, hee, wonderful.
Buffy can retire.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 15th, 2009 11:31 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

Buffy can retire as long as there is always something to make Xander angry - a polite and charming villain might be able to destroy the world without causing the Hulk to appear until it's too late.
mwrgana From: mwrgana Date: February 20th, 2009 10:11 am (UTC) (Link)
Now that was sheer therapy. Absolutely brilliant stuff, I loved it, thank you!

Out of (self) interest - have you heard, yet, whether or not the insurance will pay for the boiler? Presumably it depends on what caused the problem?

I've just added you as a friend, BTW - I thought I'd already done so, ages ago, but it appears not. All solved now!

Edited at 2009-02-20 10:13 am (UTC)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 20th, 2009 02:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

I haven't found out about the boiler yet. I suspect that they won't, as it was fairly old.
44 comments or speak 2 me