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Ficlet: They Might Be Giants - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
Ficlet: They Might Be Giants

Happy birthday to quinara


First there was Blind Date, then there was In A Big Country, and now here is yet another extract from The Secret Diary of Dawn Summers (Height 16 ¾ metres). 300 words, rating R, mild spoilers for the Buffy Season 8 comics.

They Might Be Giants


“I is the only nice and jumbly Giant in Giant Country!” shouted the BFG. He aimed a punch at the Cerne Abbas Giant but was hit on the head by the wings of the Angel of the North and fell to the ground.

King Kong picked up one of the BFG’s snozzcumbers and bit into it. He screwed up his face and spat out his mouthful of disgusting vegetable. He used what was left of the snozzcumber as a club to belabour Optimus Prime. The Cerne Abbas Giant rabbit-punched Kong but was then struck by an upward kick from the prone BFG and doubled up in agony.

The Angel of the North hurled himself at Optimus Prime. The two metal juggernauts collided in a shower of sparks. The noise of the impact sent the glen’s resident wolf pack, preserved in splendid isolation for three hundred years after the extinction of the rest of Scotland’s wolves, fleeing in terror. Kong pelted the wolves with snozzcumbers as they fled and then returned to the fray.

A procession of Japanese monks wended their way past the battling giants. Satsu ran out from the castle to meet them.

“Greetings, honourable sirs,” she said. “How can I help you?”

“We are here to see Dawn Summers,” the abbot informed her.

Satsu raised her eyebrows. “Indeed? Are you not a little... small?”

“We are not suitors, girl,” said the abbot.

Dawn, who had been watching the melee from behind the battlements, stepped over the castle wall and joined the monks. “Okay, guys,” she said, “what can I do for you?”

The abbot unfurled a scroll. “Honourable Dawn Summers,” he said, “we invite you to come to Japan.”

“What, to flatten Tokyo?”

“No. We wish you to be the Chief Judge at the Kanamara Matsuri Penis Festival.”

Tags: , ,
Current Location: In a big country
Current Music: Mika, "Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)"

19 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
powerofthebook From: powerofthebook Date: March 29th, 2008 01:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
(dies)This is awesome!

The BFG makes an appearance! (And isn't it nice for Dawn to have suitors fighting over her?)

I clicked on your link to the penis festival. How have I never heard about this?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 29th, 2008 01:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

I discovered the Penis Festival when researching for my Buffyverse-in-Japan fic Dojo Hard and it gave me the material for dozens of jokes and puns.
deird1 From: deird1 Date: March 29th, 2008 01:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
Snozzcumbers! I remember snozzcumbers!

This was awesome. I think I recognised everyone except the Angel of the North. Must do some frantic wiki-ing to improve my knowledge base...
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 29th, 2008 01:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

There are links in the text to the Wikipedia entries for the Angel of the North, the Cerne Abbas Giant, and the Kanamara Penis Festival. My Link font colour is too close to my normal font colour (and I can't seem to change it in the current LJ profile editing page) and so the links don't stand out well enough.
gillo From: gillo Date: March 29th, 2008 02:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
BFG and Angel of the North! ::dies::

I think Dawn was very wise to take cover. But the Japan trip should open her eyes a little.

Lovely work.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 2nd, 2008 11:12 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
ffutures From: ffutures Date: March 29th, 2008 03:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Does Optimus Prime even have dangly bits?

Poor Dawn... If she goes to Japan will Godzilla be far behind?

Edited at 2008-03-29 05:04 pm (UTC)
curiouswombat From: curiouswombat Date: March 29th, 2008 06:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
Does Optimus Prime even have dangly bits?


A gear lever maybe....?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 2nd, 2008 11:08 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm sure that Optimus Prime could transform so as to have dangly bits if he wanted.
agilebrit From: agilebrit Date: March 29th, 2008 05:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am now scarred for life. Thank you. o.O
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 2nd, 2008 11:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
woman_of_ From: woman_of_ Date: March 29th, 2008 05:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh Giant!Dawn is such a prize! Great stuff! *laughing*
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 2nd, 2008 11:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
petzipellepingo From: petzipellepingo Date: March 29th, 2008 07:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
Dawn's getting all the attention, Buffy's gonna be pissed. Not to mention envious...
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 2nd, 2008 11:11 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, Buffy is getting all the attention in the forums.
From: averageshmoe Date: March 30th, 2008 03:31 am (UTC) (Link)
I was about to comment that you've used Dawn more effectively than Whedon has in the entire run of the comic book. Then I realized that you've used her more effectively than Whedon has in the comic and the last two seasons of the show.

Can Olaf make a guest appearance in these stories? Just for his reaction upon seeing the girl he intended to 'make merry sport with.'


Pretty please?

pgavigan
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: April 2nd, 2008 11:11 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! I'll see what I can do with Olaf but no promises.
framefolly From: framefolly Date: May 2nd, 2008 12:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Hilarious!

Dawn would be very qualified to judge by now...
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 2nd, 2008 08:59 am (UTC) (Link)
She's probably seen more giant penises than anyone other than a vet who specialises in circumcising elephants.
19 comments or speak 2 me