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Ficlet: In A Big Country - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
Ficlet: In A Big Country
In the same vein as my story Blind Date, and in retaliation for response to beer_good_foamy’s (no longer F-locked) story Did It Sing?, here is another R-rated Season 8 ficlet. Contains mild spoilers for a sub-plot that might one day go somewhere (I’m not holding my breath!) but which for the past 12 issues has only been of value as a source of inspiration for Crack!Fic. I’ve taken liberties with the time-line with regards to the release of the Simpsons Movie – just as Joss did with the breakthrough of Amy Winehouse, the Tenth Doctor, and the extinction of Scottish wolves. 750 words.

In A Big Country


“That wasn’t quite the way the ritual was supposed to go,” Althanea observed, frowning at Willow.

“What do you mean?” Willow asked, wrenching her gaze away from the naked figure’s most prominent attribute.

“The idea was to cleanse the area of the remaining spiritual traces of the ridiculous Homer Simpson image,” said Althanea. “We’ve certainly done that, Willow, but I couldn’t help noticing that you were adding your own, ah, embellishments.”

“I got kinda distracted,” Willow confessed. “Gay now, yeah, but not blind. And, hey, it does pretty much hit you in the face. Uh, not literally, ‘cause that would be, like, ewww, but, well, you know.”

“I certainly do know,” said Althanea, “but it’s never a good thing to allow your concentration to lapse when performing a ritual. You never know what will happen.”

“Well, yeah,” said Willow, “but it’s only a chalk figure. What could possibly go wrong?”

- - - - -


The white chalk outline shone faintly in the moonlight. A cow lowed in the distance. An owl hooted. The lines in the turf began to move.

Grass shifted, chalk-dust billowed up, and the immense two-dimensional figure rose up from the hill and towered into the air. It stood for a moment, hazy and insubstantial, and then began to shrink and solidify. The shape filled out and, as it lost height, it acquired depth and breadth. By the time its fifty-five metre height had reduced down to some sixty feet a fully three-dimensional solid form stood atop the hill. Still naked; and with the most famous erect phallus in England now projecting out as well as up in all its masculine glory.

The giant swung its massive club onto its shoulder, turned to face north-west, and strode off at great speed. Thirty-foot strides took it out of the village boundaries in moments. In a couple of minutes it was passing Yeovil and turning north to follow the A37 on the first stage of its long journey.

The earth shook under the giant’s feet. Sleepers woke, rose from their beds, and peered out of windows; but by the time they were looking the giant had moved on out of sight. Cars veered off the road as drivers stared at the incredible sight. A short while later stern-faced and irritable policemen were ordering obvious drunks to stop babbling and blow into little bags. By that time the giant had passed out of sight and was veering east to avoid Bristol and Bath.

Across hill and dale the giant marched at over a hundred miles an hour. It kept pace with an express train for a while, the passengers peering out of the brightly-lit carriages into the darkness and unable to be sure of what they were seeing, but their courses diverged as the train approached Birmingham. Further and further north the giant rushed, untiring, apparently unstoppable.

Hours later, as it wandered lonely as a cloud through the Lake District, the giant came upon a host of golden daffodils. The mighty club swept down like a scythe. Blossoms fell. An enormous hand reached down and scooped them up. With an armful of foliage clasped to its chest the giant rushed on even faster.

Huge legs plunged into the river Eden and the giant waded across. It trotted parallel to the A7 for a while, causing yet more chaos among what little traffic there was at that early hour, and crossed the border into Scotland. As dawn broke it was level with Hawick. It continued north to Selkirk before turning to the west and striking out across country.

Across lonely glens it strode. As the sun began to climb in the sky the giant picked up speed as it sensed that it was reaching its mysterious destination. Eventually it drew near to a massive building of forbidding grey stone. A great wooden door stood closed. The giant lowered its club and rapped on the door with the mighty weapon. The sound of the impact echoed through the glens like a flight of Tornadoes breaking the sound barrier.

The door swung open. A small blonde figure stood in the doorway, a gleaming axe in her hand, and stared up at the immense figure. Her eyes widened as she caught sight of nine feet of erect penis.

The giant lowered its arms and wordlessly deposited quarter of a ton of daffodils on the ground beside the doorway.

The blonde girl rolled her eyes and turned to face back into the building.

“Dawn!” she shouted. “It’s for you!”

Tags: , ,
Current Location: In a big country
Current Music: Big Country, "In a big country"

30 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
woman_of_ From: woman_of_ Date: March 28th, 2008 11:54 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh Dear, yes it does seem like Willow's got the ritual quite wrong.....I guess at least Dawn will have some company now. Very Funny!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 28th, 2008 08:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
gillo From: gillo Date: March 28th, 2008 12:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
Dawn and the Cerne Abbas giant! What a pairing! There will be earthquakes all over Scotland if they make the earth move for them.

Great stuff.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 28th, 2008 08:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
beer_good_foamy From: beer_good_foamy Date: March 28th, 2008 01:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
Haaaa! Well, it makes perfect sense (except he might still be a bit on the smallish side for Dawn, depending on who's drawing her this week). Love the daffodils. (And thanks for the shout-out!)
beer_good_foamy From: beer_good_foamy Date: March 28th, 2008 01:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, and props for the Big Country theme, too. Damn, I used to love that band.
woman_of_ From: woman_of_ Date: March 28th, 2008 01:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
I still listen to them....I was listening to The Crossing and Steeltown yesterday. Yes I still have my LP's! I guess I am just old-fashioned!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 28th, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! And thanks for the reciprocal shout-out.

The Cerne Abbas giant, at over 160 feet, is significantly bigger than any artist draws Dawn - I had to put in the bit about it shrinking down as it turned 3-D to make the pairing feasible - and I shrunk it to the height that I thought worked best. I prefer Dawn at 50 feet to 100 - that's just ridiculous (he says, as if 50 feet isn't).
petzipellepingo From: petzipellepingo Date: March 28th, 2008 01:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
The giant lowered its arms and wordlessly deposited quarter of a ton of daffodils on the ground beside the doorway.

The blonde girl rolled her eyes and turned to face back into the building.

“Dawn!” she shouted. “It’s for you!”


Bwah! Ha! Ha! Oh Joss, what hath thou created...
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 28th, 2008 08:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! Joss isn't making anything like as much use of her as I am and BGF is (and that's suddenly sparked a plot bunny!) - perhaps he should do a spin-off comic, 'The Erotic Adventures of Giant!Dawn'.
ayinhara From: ayinhara Date: March 28th, 2008 02:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Why not?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 28th, 2008 08:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
Indeed.
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: March 28th, 2008 02:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh,my!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 28th, 2008 09:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
The expression on your Dawn icon's face seems very appropriate.
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: March 29th, 2008 04:18 am (UTC) (Link)
I try to match icons to situations, and that was an easy olne!
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: March 29th, 2008 04:19 am (UTC) (Link)
I try to match icons to situations, and that was an easy one!
ffutures From: ffutures Date: March 28th, 2008 03:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
Of course it is...

What about Kong then, are we to assume the ritual didn't work, or is Dawn now normal sized? In which case I suspect the giant will be a little disappointed...

Won't Kong get jealous?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 28th, 2008 08:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
Perhaps Dawn didn't go through with the 'ritual', or it didn't work. There will only be a sequel in which Kong and the Cerne Abbas Giant battle for Dawn's affections if I can think of a way to make it funny.
agilebrit From: agilebrit Date: March 28th, 2008 03:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Heeee! I don't actually know who the giant is, but I'm immensely (pun certainly intended) pleased by this. I love the whole "irritable policemen were ordering obvious drunks to stop babbling and blow into little bags" bit; that was priceless.
curiouswombat From: curiouswombat Date: March 28th, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
Link to The Cerne Abbas Giant.

Edited at 2008-03-28 08:10 pm (UTC)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 28th, 2008 09:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
From: averageshmoe Date: March 28th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well, at least Dawn finally gets a bigger part in the comicverse.

"blinks and just realized all the implications of what I typed"

Oh well.

pgavigan
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 29th, 2008 09:42 am (UTC) (Link)
And the team gets a new member.
pfeifferpack From: pfeifferpack Date: March 29th, 2008 08:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ouch! ROFL "new member"...YOU are a bad rude man! tee hee.

Tha ficlet is delightful and Dawnie now has company beyond tiny Xander falling in her clothes container and being smothered in her underthings. At least her suitor knows to bring flowers.

Kathleen
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 29th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
From: hezzabeth Date: March 28th, 2008 11:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
Delightful and much less disturbing then the king kong drabble!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: March 29th, 2008 09:42 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
framefolly From: framefolly Date: May 2nd, 2008 12:23 am (UTC) (Link)
"Hours later, as it wandered lonely as a cloud through the Lake District, the giant came upon a host of golden daffodils."

*dies with laughter*
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: May 2nd, 2008 08:57 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
booster17 From: booster17 Date: May 4th, 2008 12:16 am (UTC) (Link)
The Lake District gag was certainly one of the funniest things I've seen for a while. Kudos!
30 comments or speak 2 me