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Ficlet: Santa Claus Is Gunning You Down - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
Ficlet: Santa Claus Is Gunning You Down

Happy birthday to dreamerjules


Xmas Fic!


Back in April I wrote a double drabble called Xander of the River. It was intended as a one-off but before long I followed it with Again Xander. Somehow it became a ‘Futurama’ crossover with If A Picture Paints A Thousand Herds and two further ficlets, Kinda Like Buck Rogers and Oddly Familiar Somehow, followed. Now here is the Xmas Special in the series. 500 words, PG.

Santa Claus Is Gunning You Down


“We’d better hurry,” Fry said. “If we’re not home before dark Robot Santa will get us.”

“I still think you’re pulling my leg,” Xander said.

“Nope. Robot Santa is real and very dangerous,” Fry assured him. “We’ve fought him twice, and beaten him each time, but he’s gotta think ‘third time lucky’. Watch the skies for his attack sleigh.”

“Anya did tell me that Santa Claus disembowels children,” Xander said. He sighed. “I guess she was ahead of her time.”

“Maybe,” said Fry. “Why did they have to pick Xmas Eve to make you collect this wildebeest? This sucks.”

“Yeah, I don’t get why it’s my responsibility at all,” Xander complained. “It was the Professor who re-animated them.” He patted the muzzle of the wildebeest that was following at his heels. “Still, at least this one seems to like me.”

“I hope it’s a fast walker,” Fry said. “The sun’s going down.”

“Is everything dangerous about the Holiday season?” Xander asked.

“No, Kwanzaabot’s a nice guy,” Fry told him, “apart from being pretty frustrated at nobody knowing what Kwanzaa is even after all these centuries. I don’t know a lot about the Chanukah zombie. It’s pretty much just Robot Santa we have to watch out for. Speaking of which,” Fry gulped, “I see something up there heading this way.”

Xander peered into the dusk sky. “It looks like... crap, it’s a flying sleigh with two robot reindeer!”

“That’s not fair!” Fry grimaced. “It’s not even sunset yet! Robot Santa’s cheating. He must be out for revenge.”

“He’s closing fast,” said Xander. “I don’t think we’re going to make it home. Hey, there’s an inn. We could dive in there.”

Hardly had the words left his lips when the doors of the establishment slammed shut and steel shutters came down. An illuminated sign lit up. ‘No room in the inn. No stable.’

“I think we’re screwed,” said Fry, as the attack sleigh zoomed closer.

“Ho, ho, ho,” boomed Robot Santa. “What have we here? Philip J Fry. Guilty of multiple crimes including blowing me up and leaving me entombed in the frozen seas of Neptune. Definitely naughty. Sentenced to death.”

“You won’t get away with this, Santa,” Fry blustered.

Robot Santa ignored him. “Alexander Lavelle Harris. Guilty of multiple crimes including leaving his bride at the altar. Very naughty. The sentence is death.”

“Death? Sure, that was a bad thing I did, but isn’t the punishment a little excessive?” asked Xander.

“It’s a waste of time arguing,” Fry told him. “Robot Santa kills people for not eating their greens. We’re going to have to fight. Or, better idea, you hold him off while I run. Uh, run for help, that is.”

“Hang on, I’m going to try something,” Xander told him. He stepped aside and urged the wildebeest forward. It stared at Robot Santa, grunted, and tossed its head. “Back off if you want to live, Robot Santa,” Xander warned. “This is Wildebeest Bill Hickok. The fastest gnu in the West.”

Next in series: Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose

Tags: ,
Current Music: Futurama cast, "Santa Claus Is Gunning You Down"

22 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
ffutures From: ffutures Date: December 24th, 2007 10:47 am (UTC) (Link)
aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

b
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a
i
n

m
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l
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g
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speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2007 04:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sorry!
booster17 From: booster17 Date: December 24th, 2007 11:42 am (UTC) (Link)
Owie.

That actually hurt.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2007 04:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sorry!
beer_good_foamy From: beer_good_foamy Date: December 24th, 2007 11:53 am (UTC) (Link)
Teh pain!

TEH PAIN!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2007 04:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
Teh sorry!
ffutures From: ffutures Date: December 24th, 2007 01:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
Belated thought - If this is Africa Xander he may know about Kwanzaa, wouldn't hurt to have Kwanzaabot on his team.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 24th, 2007 01:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Africa Xander won't know anything about Kwanzaa at all apart from what he knew from being brought up in California (where Kwanzaa was invented in 1966). I can assure you that no-one in Africa has ever even heard of Kwanzaa except from the US media.
desdemonaspace From: desdemonaspace Date: December 24th, 2007 02:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hee! **wipes spewed coffee off monitor**

As a dyslexic speller, I take that last line personally!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2007 04:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sorry!
ayinhara From: ayinhara Date: December 24th, 2007 02:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Very droll!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2007 04:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
mymatedave From: mymatedave Date: December 24th, 2007 06:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
My eyes! *scratches them out* Oh no, the words, they got in my brain! Aaahhhh!!!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2007 04:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sorry!
owenthurman From: owenthurman Date: December 24th, 2007 07:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm in the christmas spirit now!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2007 04:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
gillo From: gillo Date: December 24th, 2007 11:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh dear. I ought to have guessed from the title!

Lovely thing to read in the midst of pre-Christmas frazzle! Have a great Christmas!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2007 04:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
ringthebells From: ringthebells Date: December 25th, 2007 07:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
Heee!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2007 04:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
From: cloviss Date: December 27th, 2007 10:43 am (UTC) (Link)
No room at the inn. No stable. It's always the way.

I'm minded of an old cartoon: Large box marked 'DYMANITE', stick figure walks round the box muttering 'Dymanite? Dymanite?' ...

BNAG!!!



speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2007 04:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Tankh oyu!
22 comments or speak 2 me