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Ficlet: The Torquay Viking - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
Ficlet: The Torquay Viking
Another ‘Where did Olaf the Troll Go?’ ficlet. 555 words. Crossover with ‘Fawlty Towers’, the John Cleese sitcom that ran for only 12 episodes in 1975 and 1979 but is still fondly remembered in the UK. Unlikely to be funny if you don’t know the original.


The Torquay Viking


Basil Fawlty scowled at his wife. “There’s something damn fishy about that guest.”

“Oh, really? I hadn’t noticed,” Sybil said. “He is rather a large man. I hope he doesn’t expect extra portions.”

“Large? He has green skin! And horns! What did he give as his name?”

Sybil looked at the register. “Olaf, king of the Trolls,” she said.

“King of the Trolls?” Basil’s scowl grew darker. “How did he pay? Trolls don’t have credit cards!”

Sybil’s eyebrows climbed. “Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.”

Polly held up a wad of notes. “Don’t worry, Mister Fawlty. He paid cash, in American dollars.”

Basil relaxed slightly. “Well, that’s something. But we can’t let a Troll stay here! Suppose he wants to eat babies?”

“We’ll just tell him that they’re off,” Polly said. “He seems a perfectly nice Troll to me.”

“What’s a Troll doing in a hotel in Torquay anyway?” Basil wondered. “Manuel!”

The waiter scurried out from the kitchen. “You want, Meester Fawlty?”

“Yes, I want, you dimwit, that’s why I called you.” Basil raised his eyes to the heavens. “I want you to keep an eye on the new guest. Olaf. He’s a Troll. If he starts wanting to eat babies, or to bring maidens back to his room for merry sport, you tell me at once, you understand?”

“Si, I understand,” Manuel said. “We ‘ave not the Trolls in Barcelona.”

“I know, Franco had them all shot,” Basil said. “Off you go then! Chop chop!”

- - - - -


“Well?” Basil asked. “Is Olaf the Troll plotting anything diabolical?”

“Ees no Troll, Meester Fawlty,” Manuel informed him. “Ees Viking.”

“A Viking? In Torquay? In 1979? A little off course and late, isn’t he?”

Manuel shrugged. “Ees Viking. ‘E want pork and ale for ‘ees meal.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” Basil said. He wiped his brow. “I doubt if Terry could have cooked babies. Pork and ale we can manage.”

“’E come,” Manuel announced.

The hotel floor trembled as Olaf strode into the dining room. “Ho, innkeeper, bring me pork and bring me ale,” he boomed.

“What an extremely odd man,” Miss Tibbs remarked.

“Very green,” Miss Gatsby added.

“Doesn’t look English to me,” Major Gowen muttered.

“I am from Sweden,” Olaf announced to the room at large. “I am a Viking.”

“You’re not here to pillage Torquay, are you?” Basil asked suspiciously. “Torquay was spared any Viking raids and we don’t want one to start now.”

“I will not pillage your lands and dwellings, innkeeper, nor will I burn your crops,” Olaf promised. “As long as pork and ale is brought to me quickly.”

“You heard the man, Manuel,” Basil snapped.

“Si, I go,” Manuel said, and scampered off to the kitchens.

“We don’t want any Viking invasion here,” Basil went on.

“I am not invading, innkeeper,” Olaf said. “I was transported here magically by a witch. I am alone.”

“No longship?”

“No, I have no longship, innkeeper,” Olaf told him.

“No band of warriors with round shields and large axes?”

“I have no warriors,” Olaf stated.

“So you’re definitely not here as part of a Viking invasion of Torquay?”

Olaf’s brows descended. “You weary me, innkeeper. Stop this incessant prattle about a Viking invasion!”

Basil drew himself to his full height. “Well, you started it,” he accused.

“I did not!”

“Yes you did! You raided Lindisfarne!”

Tags: ,
Current Mood: cold cold

51 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
gamiila From: gamiila Date: August 11th, 2006 07:13 am (UTC) (Link)
LOL! Very good Basil voice, and as for Olaf: I hope he got his pork & ale ... or is this why there never was a 13th episode?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Maybe there would have been more episodes if John Cleese and Connie Booth had thought to introduce a Troll as a regular character!
bogwitch From: bogwitch Date: August 11th, 2006 07:23 am (UTC) (Link)
Ha!

“What’s a Troll doing in a hotel in Torquay anyway?”

Exactly my thought!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Watching the herds of wildebeest migrating majestically across the Serengeti?
sammywol From: sammywol Date: August 11th, 2006 08:20 am (UTC) (Link)
Cool! I think you nailed Polly's voice totally - oh the magic of American dollars! That last line though is going to make me smile all day! Sniggers.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
gillo From: gillo Date: August 11th, 2006 09:00 am (UTC) (Link)
“Yes you did! You raided Lindisfarne!”

Perfect ending! Love the voices of the minor characters too - Polly, reassuring as ever, the Majot xenophobic - and Manuel, perfect. ¿Qué?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
paratti From: paratti Date: August 11th, 2006 09:14 am (UTC) (Link)
Snerk.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
quinara From: quinara Date: August 11th, 2006 09:27 am (UTC) (Link)
*giggles incessantly*
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
ffutures From: ffutures Date: August 11th, 2006 09:48 am (UTC) (Link)
Lovely - I was never a huge Fawlty Towers fan but this definitely feels right.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
booster17 From: booster17 Date: August 11th, 2006 10:49 am (UTC) (Link)
You have Basil down to a fine art. *salutes*

(And btw - certainly not the Marilyn Manson version. Gah!)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
timeofchange From: timeofchange Date: August 11th, 2006 11:07 am (UTC) (Link)
Hee. Lovely "Fawlty TOwers" voices.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
desdemonaspace From: desdemonaspace Date: August 11th, 2006 11:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Hee! Thanks for the stroll down memory lane. Well done.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:29 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
lilred26x From: lilred26x Date: August 11th, 2006 12:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
Fawlty Towers is remember fondly here in the states by some of us as well! I didn't realize that there were only 12 episodes of this show. I've probably seen most of them in that case. I thought the voices were great in this one. I could see this all happening. Thanks for sharing!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:29 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
makd From: makd Date: August 11th, 2006 01:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
excellent!

My, that troll does GET around! ;-)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:29 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

The challenge is to put him into as many other fandoms as possible...
wisemack From: wisemack Date: August 11th, 2006 01:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
*giggle* Oh, that was FUN!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
desoto_hia873 From: desoto_hia873 Date: August 11th, 2006 02:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
“We’ll just tell him that they’re off,” Polly said.

*snort* That's so Polly!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
zanthinegirl From: zanthinegirl Date: August 11th, 2006 03:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
There were realy only 12 episodes? Huh, who knew? Very cute Olaf episode.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
julia_here From: julia_here Date: August 11th, 2006 03:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
(Snerk)

Fawlty Towers is in nearly constant rotation on the local PBS station, so it's familiar territory in the States, too.

Olaf would be a bit much for Basil, but Sybil would, of course, endure.

Julia, finding this particularly funny as I've been to Lindisfarne, even
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! And thanks for the rec at the S'cubies board.
willowgreen From: willowgreen Date: August 11th, 2006 05:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
OK, I had to look that up--the only Lindisfarne I knew was the '70s folk-rock band. It's so Basil to hold a grudge about something that happened in 793!
curiouswombat From: curiouswombat Date: August 11th, 2006 06:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Lindisfarne the group were named after Lindisfarne the Holy Island - they were, of course, geordies.
frimfram From: frimfram Date: August 11th, 2006 05:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
Heh! Very good Basil Fawlty.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:32 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
spuffyduds From: spuffyduds Date: August 11th, 2006 10:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hah! Basil just can't let ANYTHING go, can he? Nicely done.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:32 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
cbtreks From: cbtreks Date: August 12th, 2006 12:15 am (UTC) (Link)
Very funny! I think it's a bit disturbing that it was this line - I doubt if Terry could have cooked babies. Pork and ale we can manage. - that made me laugh out loud....
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:32 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
woman_of_ From: woman_of_ Date: August 12th, 2006 02:29 am (UTC) (Link)
"Don't mention the war!" Basil as suble as ever! Great fun.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:33 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
kallie_kat From: kallie_kat Date: August 12th, 2006 03:32 am (UTC) (Link)
Hah! When I saw this crossover listed on the su_herald I couldn't resist reading it. You did a great job with the voice of all the FT characters, especially Basil. And the ending had me giggling, just like the show always did.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 03:34 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! It's years since I last saw it but I think that the voices stick in the mind.
ayinhara From: ayinhara Date: August 12th, 2006 04:55 am (UTC) (Link)
That was one crazy show. I think Olaf fits in this AU better than in most any other one.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 05:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: August 12th, 2006 05:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh my gosh! That sounded exactly like the show -- I could have closed my eyes and seen the characters, although of course then I wouldn't have been able to read ... never mind.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 12th, 2006 05:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
sparklebutch From: sparklebutch Date: August 12th, 2006 02:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
You are a disturbingly brilliant individual.

...Cooool.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 13th, 2006 04:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
51 comments or speak 2 me