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Ficlet: Deer Boy - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
Ficlet: Deer Boy
I’m back at work now and my writing time will be drastically curtailed for the next four days. I have a chapter of ‘Tabula Avatar’ half done, and I have begun the second of the ‘Dollar Trollogy’ and might get it finished in the next day or two, but otherwise the most that you’ll get will be silly drabbles and shorts. Such as this 500-word piece that examines one way that the alley battle at the end of ‘Not Fade Away’ might have worked out.

That is, if Joss had written it whilst listening to 80s music and smoking something illegal.


Deer Boy


The battle in the alley went well for the Fang Gang at first. The enemy hordes were overly eager and charged impetuously. The dragon, swooping to the attack, sent searing flames through the ranks of its own allies. As it pulled out of its dive the giant, infuriated by what it thought to be treachery, lashed out with its huge club and smote the dragon a dreadful blow. The dragon crashed to the ground, its wing broken, and set upon the giant with fang and claw.

Angel put aside his intention of killing the dragon and concentrated on the foot soldiers of the enemy. He sliced a bloody path through their disorganized ranks. Spike, determined not to be outdone, wreaked equal carnage. Gunn more than held his own. Illyria did more violence, punching through chests and ripping off heads, and made Angel and Spike seem almost restrained by comparison.

The dragon died under the blows of the giant’s club but left its opponent mortally wounded. The demon horde fell back before the onslaught of Angel’s team. It was beginning to look as if they were going to win.

And then a fresh wave of attackers appeared. Disciplined and ordered ranks under the command of the Senior Partners in person. Wolf, that savage personification of wild rage. Ram, lustful and determined, who under his alias of The Immortal had delighted in copulating with those most dear to Angel and Spike, in between his excursions up Everest on a unicycle. And Hart, alias Cernunnos the Horned God, the Piper at the Gates of Dawn, driving on the demon infantry with his wild and frenzied music.

Angel and Spike were forced back on the defensive. Gunn narrowly escaped death and had to shelter behind the vampires. Things looked bleak.

Illyria ran along the top of the chain link fence, leaped down, and seized Hart. Her hands clamped on his antlers and she began to twist with irresistible force. A demon who ran to his master’s aid was kicked away with such power that his hurtling body felled an entire rank of his fellows. Hart’s neck vertebrae began to crack.

Suddenly Wolf howled out an entreaty. “Please stop! We concede!”

“Let Hart go,” Ram bleated. “We’ll pull back. It doesn’t matter about the Black Thorn. We’ll officially disband it and your membership will be null and void with no penalties. You can have a severance package from the Los Angeles branch of our firm on the same terms as if it was a human operation and the parting had been by mutual consent. Just get her to release Hart.”

“I don’t trust you,” Angel growled. “You’re willing to give up just because we have one of you?”

“This vermin is valuable to you?” enquired Illyria. She applied sufficient pressure to keep Hart immobilized but refrained from completing the final twist to snap his neck.

“He is,” Wolf confirmed. “He is absolutely irreplaceable.”

“Yes,” agreed Ram. “A good Hart these days is hard to find.”

Tags: ,
Current Music: A Feargal Sharkey track written by Maria McKee

27 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
adriana_is From: adriana_is Date: August 5th, 2006 08:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
oh god (groaning) You, sir, are the best of the best punsters.

My hat is off to you.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 7th, 2006 09:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
agilebrit From: agilebrit Date: August 5th, 2006 08:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Remembering to swallow everything in my mouth and put my coffee DOWN before I read this was a very good idea. Hee!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 7th, 2006 09:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
booster17 From: booster17 Date: August 5th, 2006 08:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ow ow ow! Actual physical pain!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 7th, 2006 09:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Sorry!
kathyh From: kathyh Date: August 5th, 2006 09:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ouch, ouch and more ouch. Very punny. Thanks for the laugh.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 7th, 2006 09:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
debxena From: debxena Date: August 5th, 2006 10:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
*groans* Marvellous!

By the way, I started re-reading 'Pandora's Boxer' at about 10pm last night ... and went to bed just before 2am, having finished it! It was delicious following your (re)version of S4 again. Out of curiousity, is 'Glory Days' still a possibility?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 7th, 2006 09:33 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm posting 'Pandora's Boxer' at seven_seasons right now and I have been rewriting it as I post to remove the Britishisms that were fairly prevalent.

I still intend to carry on with the remaining two volumes but the sheer amount of work involved is very intimidating. Don't hold your breath.
ffutures From: ffutures Date: August 5th, 2006 10:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sorry, my brain is obviously a little dead tonight - don't get the joke.
From: (Anonymous) Date: August 6th, 2006 01:44 pm (UTC) (Link)

to the punchline, batman!

Back in the 80s, a young Irish lad named Feargal Sharkey had a big hit with a pop tune containing the lyric ' A good heart these days is hard to find'. Here's a link to the to the rest of the lyrics, if you're interested.

http://www.80smusiclyrics.com/artists/feargalsharkey.htm
makd From: makd Date: August 6th, 2006 12:13 am (UTC) (Link)
excellent pun and fun fic! thank you.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 7th, 2006 09:34 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
zanthinegirl From: zanthinegirl Date: August 6th, 2006 12:25 am (UTC) (Link)
Hee! I'd say "Even for you that was bad", but we all know better!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 7th, 2006 09:34 am (UTC) (Link)
Nothing's too bad for me!
clancy_s From: clancy_s Date: August 6th, 2006 12:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Snerk :D
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 7th, 2006 09:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks!
lilred26x From: lilred26x Date: August 6th, 2006 02:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh my! :-D
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 7th, 2006 09:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Lions and tigers and Harts?
lilred26x From: lilred26x Date: August 7th, 2006 12:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
:-D Oh yes!
From: averageshmoe Date: August 6th, 2006 03:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
Don't go breakin' my Hart.

There are so many possibilities with this that I shudder to think what you might do with them.

I'll laugh first then I'll shudder.

pgavigan
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 7th, 2006 09:22 am (UTC) (Link)
Ram: "A good Hart these days is hard to find
Please be gentle, please be kind
To this Hart of mine."

Wolf: "Don't be cruel to a Hart that's true."

Illyria: "Worms who were lower than the ooze, I listen not to your pitiful pledings." (Snap! Crunch!)

Hart: "Uuuurgh!" (expires).

Wolf: "Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out, had a Hart of glass."

Ram: "Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my Hart
My Hart."

Wolf: "Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the Hart."

ADAM: (miraculously rebuilt for purposes of this story)
"If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken Hart."

Wolf & Ram together in chorus:
"Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the Hart does go on."
From: averageshmoe Date: August 7th, 2006 06:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wolf, Ram and Adam.

"My Achey, Breaky Hart."

Yes, I laughed. Yes, I shuddered.

pgavigan

tinpanalley From: tinpanalley Date: August 6th, 2006 10:55 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you for the birthday wishes!!
cbtreks From: cbtreks Date: August 7th, 2006 09:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ow.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: August 13th, 2006 04:12 am (UTC) (Link)
Heh!
27 comments or speak 2 me