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Buffy in Sunderland. - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
Buffy in Sunderland.
I've just heard that this is talesofspike's birthday. Well, not actual birthday, but her official birthday, when she's having the party and everything. Now that I've finished Lonely on the Mountain I was able to devote a few moments to whipping up a birthday fic for her (sorry Boggy, if you'd been born just a few days later you'd have got one too) and I'll post it now rather than on the actual birthday because alwaysjbj has posted hers.

Very regional, I'm afraid; possibly only talesofspike, calove, and curiouswombat will understand it.

It's not exactly a drabble; 333 words. One third of a thousand, or half of the Number of the Beast. Rating G. Title in honour of Rabbit Hole Day, which slipped past almost unnoticed on LiveJournal this year.


Buffy In Sunderland


“Well, I got it,” Buffy announced, entering the London headquarters of the New Council carrying the severed head of a huge dragon-like creature. “The Lambton Worm.”

“Cool!” Andrew squealed.

“That’s great, Buffy,” Willow enthused.

“This better be worth it,” Buffy said. “I had a tough time.”

“Ferocious opponent, huh?” Willow commiserated.

Buffy shuddered. “Not so much. It was what came after. I got chased out of Sunderland by thirty thousand guys, dressed like it’s summer even though it’s freezing, all shouting ‘Ah’m hard, me!’ and throwing beer cans at me.”

“I don’t need the whole thing,” Willow told her. “Just a couple of parts.”

“You should have said so in the first place,” Buffy moaned. “’Cause hey, running carrying that thing was so not easy, ‘specially over the Millennium Bridge. That curve is totally steep.”

“You’re supposed to cross on the flat bit, Buffy,” Dawn pointed out.

“Flat bit?” Buffy frowned. “What flat …? Oh. Duh! Anyway, those soccer fan guys would have caught me there, only forty thousand other guys in black and white turned up and started fighting them.”

“The Toon Army,” Andrew declaimed wisely. “Ancient foes of the followers of the Worm. You have slain the totem of the Mackem tribe. The Toon Army will revere you now, Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyre and the Worm.”

“Oh? Cool. Some of them were kinda cute.” Buffy saw Dawn’s raised eyebrow and blushed. “Uh, that is, if you like your guys all tattooed, which I so do not. Anyway, I got away in the confusion and made it to the train. So, what do you need it for, Will?”

“I can use parts to make a kinda magical search engine,” Willow explained, “that will let me find out information about any kind of demon, give me access to instructions for all kinds of spells, tell me the weak spots of enemies, whatever.” She took a dagger and sliced away two organs from the skull. “I just need these. The Greet Big Googly Eyes.”

Tags: ,
Current Mood: cheerful cheerful
Current Music: The Cult, "She Sells Sanctuary"

32 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
bogwitch From: bogwitch Date: January 28th, 2006 10:59 am (UTC) (Link)
Does the Worm look like Amanda Donohoe?
petzipellepingo From: petzipellepingo Date: January 28th, 2006 11:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Hee! I was thinking the same thing myself.
gillo From: gillo Date: January 28th, 2006 11:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Whisht, lad, haad yer gob. I spent four years in Durham, I'll have you know. It all makes perfect sense. Especially the Toon Army. And the atrocious pun at the end is well down to your normal magnificence.

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 30th, 2006 01:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sorry I missed you off the list. Glad you understood and were able to groan.
spikereader From: spikereader Date: January 28th, 2006 01:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well, I know nothing about the Lambton worm, but think I got most of the rest of it (in part thanks to Balderdash and Piffle a few weeks back). Puntastic ending as ever.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 30th, 2006 01:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
ayinhara From: ayinhara Date: January 28th, 2006 01:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
I cannot claim to understand your extra large drabble, being only a New Yorker, but I loved the magical search engine.
gillo From: gillo Date: January 28th, 2006 01:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Have a look at this site. Of course you may need a translator - even Brits from other regions have trouble with understanding Geordie.

We used to sing "The Lambton Worm" regularly, drunkenly and with great gusto at the folk club when I was at Durham University.
talesofspike From: talesofspike Date: January 28th, 2006 04:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
LOL!*several. A wonderful present to come back to after stuffing our faces in The Blue Coyote, which used to be One Eyed Jacks and having a beer in the flattened and rebuilt Bacchus, which now looks distressingly like a wine bar but still serves decent beer. Yep, it's definitely a story for those of use with NE connections, but just the thought of Buffy in Sunderland had me in stitches.

As for all the Lair of the White Worm comments, As long as we don't have Hugh Grant running around in an RAF uniform and Buffy wasn't dubbed into a very bad Yorkshire accent we're doing fine.

And I guess I agree with Buffy that the odd Geordie is cute, having been married to one for nearly 15 years now... though he skipped the tattoos and went for the piercings.
curiouswombat From: curiouswombat Date: January 29th, 2006 12:52 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh - One Eyed Jack's - I still drool at the memory - it was one of my very favourite eateries. Their deep fried ice-cream was the best I've ever had.

Their booze was good too....

As this is your official birthday
HAPPY OFFICIAL BIRTHDAY!
spikesdeb From: spikesdeb Date: January 28th, 2006 07:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
LMAO! That was so great! Toon Army......and "I'm hard me". Very, very funny. I love your one-liners. And your killer line at the end. Great! Much kudos to you.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 30th, 2006 01:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
zanthinegirl From: zanthinegirl Date: January 28th, 2006 11:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sure this is really funny, but I only got the google joke!

The link about the worm was interesting though...
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 30th, 2006 01:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
It was a very local story, I'm afraid. talesofspike lives in my old home town and it was specifically aimed at her.
ffutures From: ffutures Date: January 28th, 2006 11:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Okay, whoever wrote that article you link to has got to be one of your fans, judging by the joke at the end.

Nice story, not as familiar as I should be with the legend, but got the idea.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 30th, 2006 01:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Okay, whoever wrote that article you link to has got to be one of your fans, judging by the joke at the end.

Not a fan, but possibly a distant relation. The puns may be genetically encoded.
cbtreks From: cbtreks Date: January 30th, 2006 07:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
Didn't understand it, but still found it amusing. (And, as always, I'm amazed at how you capture the characters even in a short-short story.)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 6th, 2006 10:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! Sorry it took me so long to reply to the comment; I don't think I got the e-mail notification.
calove From: calove Date: February 6th, 2006 09:39 am (UTC) (Link)
She killed the Worm! Bloody nerve. If only the old Millennium Eye had blinked and dropped her in the Tyne.

Great fun. And now I'm homesick again.

But the puchline? Bad - very, very bad.... Hee!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: February 6th, 2006 10:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

Mi>But the puchline? Bad - very, very bad</i>

Did you really expect anything else?
32 comments or speak 2 me