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26 animals that Xander was never possessed by, Part 1 - Words in the Heroes' Tongue
I have a variable-sword. I urge calm.
speakr2customrs
speakr2customrs
26 animals that Xander was never possessed by, Part 1
My muse just wouldn’t co-operate with the Christmas ficathon or any of the WIPs. Instead this is a series of 26 100-word drabbles inspired by Willow’s words in ‘The Pack’:
“Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy or, or, some ducks?”

Rating R. I’m doing one for each letter of the alphabet. Tonight I’m posting the first 8, covering letters A to H. More tomorrow.


26 animals that Xander was never possessed by…



Part One: A to H


Anteater



“I just don’t get it,” Willow moaned. “All of a sudden the popular girls are swarming all over Xander. Harmony, Aura, Amy, Heidi, even Cordelia, they all want to date him. They’re even fighting over him. I hardly get to spend any time with him any more.”

“So what’s changed?” Buffy wondered. “New aftershave or something? What’s the secret of his success?”

Willow shrugged. “It has me beat, Buff. He’s acting the same as he ever was, only maybe a little more gross. All he seems to do these days is to hang out in the corridors licking his eyebrows.”

- - - - -


Bonobo



Buffy scuttled into the library. “Giles, we have to do something about Xander. I think he’s, like, possessed or something. He’s seduced Cordelia, Harmony, Amber, and Aura, and he’s boinked Willow like ten times.”

Giles looked at her over the rims of his glasses. “Has he acted on his obvious attraction to you?”

Buffy blushed. “There may have been some inappropriate penetration,” she confessed. “But hey, I’ve just caught him hanging upside down from a tree, penis-fencing with Kyle, and that’s totally gross.”

Giles frowned. “Hmm. I remember when I was sixteen. I see nothing unusual in Xander’s actions whatsoever.”

- - - - -


Cheetah



The interviewer was an extremely handsome man with coffee brown skin. He accosted Xander as he left the track and held a microphone in front of his face. “Colin Jackson, for the BBC,” he introduced himself. “So, Xander, another gold medal, another world record. You must be overjoyed. Can you spare a moment to talk to our viewers? I’m sure they’d like to know about your rather unusual diet.”

Xander yawned, revealing disconcertingly long canines. “Sorry, I’m bushed. The two hundred’s a long way for me. Maybe tomorrow. Right now I’m gonna eat some gazelle and then get some sleep.”

- - - - -


Duck



“Xander! What are you doing?” Willow squeaked. “You’re all wet and soggy.”

“Dabbling,” Xander shrugged. “Looking for waterweed, crusts of bread, that sort of thing, you know?”

“Waterweed? Crusts of bread?” Willow’s eyebrows arched and her eyes widened. “Why?”

“Quack!” Xander ordered the flock, and submerged again, followed by Tor, Kyle, Rhonda, and Heidi.

The splashing and commotion attracted the attention of Principal Flutie. “Out of the ornamental pond right now!” he ordered. “What on Earth do you kids think you’re doing?”

Xander bobbed to the surface and explained. “Gotta get our strength up to migrate south for the winter.”

- - - - -


Elephant Seal



“Xander sure has put on an awful lot of weight in just a few days,” Willow commented.

“That’s quite an understatement, Will,” Buffy agreed, grimacing as the press of the crowd drove her onto the squashed corpse of Larry, who had perished under the bulk of Xander, Kyle, and Tor as the three immense students battled to acquire harems. “Looks like we’re stuck here. He’s just too big. I can’t even move him.”

Willow gulped. “It’s not that I’m against mating with Xander. It used to be my dream. It’s just that I think we’re kinda going to get squished.”

- - - - -


Frog



“Okay,” Buffy began, “we need a plan. Xander’s hiding out among the lily pads, catching flies, and we need to get him back and return him to his right self.”

“If your plan involves him kissing a princess, count me right out,” Cordelia announced. “Okay, I’m pretty much the princess of Sunnydale high, yeah, but kissing Xander Harris? No way. Except maybe in a closet. Nope. No chance.”

“You’re gonna have to count me out on this one too, Buff,” Willow said regretfully.

“Huh? I thought you’d be all go with the Xander kissage.”

“Sorry, Buffy, I have frog fear.”

- - - - -


Goat



“Way to go, Xander,” Willow congratulated him. “You defeated Olaf the Troll single-handed.”

“Single-headed,” Anya corrected her. “He knocked down Olaf with a series of mighty butts.”

“Mighty butts would be about right for the Whelp,” Spike muttered. “Always said he had a fat arse.”

“Shut up, Spike,” Buffy snapped. “You’re just jealous. I say yay Xander!”

“Yay Xander!” Willow echoed.

“Yay Xander!” Dawn joined in.

“Okay, yay Xander,” Spike agreed reluctantly.

“Yay Xander, yeah,” Anya confirmed. “That goat possession turned out to be useful after all. Kinda makes up for him spending the last few years eating my panties.”

- - - - -


Hamster



Giles, Buffy, and Willow entered Xander’s room cautiously. There was no sound except for a slight rustling. “Xander?” Willow scrabbled at the nest of shredded newspapers until she revealed Xander. He uncurled himself and squeaked at her.

“Oh, great,” Buffy grumbled, as Xander scuttled from his nest and climbed into the wheel that he had improvised from a truck tire. “Xander’s been possessed by the spirit of a rat.”

“A rat? Eww,” Willow moaned.

Giles peered at Xander as the young man raced around in his wheel. “I think you’re wrong, Buffy,” he corrected her. “Is no rat. Is hamster.”

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: blah blah
Current Music: Blink 182, "I won't be home for Xmas"

57 comments or speak 2 me
Comments
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kallysten From: kallysten Date: December 27th, 2005 01:54 am (UTC) (Link)
*dies laughing*
Very, very good. And i was caught the instant i saw the first title :P
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2005 04:55 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

More evidence to support the hypothesis that you and kantayra are really the same person!
ludditerobot From: ludditerobot Date: December 27th, 2005 02:04 am (UTC) (Link)
You said you'd do this. I'm just surprised it took this long.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2005 04:57 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't remember when I said it; all the relevant e-mail comment advices are on my real computer, which has been away being repaired since the 14th of November, and so I can't check. I do remember that my original plan was to do 5 animals, but then I got carried away and decided to do 26. I got stuck on 'X' for a long time, but then curiouswombat had a brilliant idea ...
ffutures From: ffutures Date: December 27th, 2005 02:17 am (UTC) (Link)
I feel strangely disturbed by some of these. Lovely.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2005 04:58 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

You were up very late; of course so was I, but I'm working tomorrow night from 10 pm and I have to stay up until at least 8 in the morning in order to be able to sleep late enough to make it through the night.
nandibble From: nandibble Date: December 27th, 2005 02:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Due to things extraneous to your topic, so far I like anteater best. But they're all fun, with promise of more fun to come. What's not to like? Charming, as ever.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2005 04:59 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! And thanks for reccing it on the S'Cubies board.
myfeetshowit From: myfeetshowit Date: December 27th, 2005 02:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Ohmigoodness! He's on a roll. Keep on rolling!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2005 05:00 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! I've written 21 of the 26 so far and the animals are chosen for the remaining 5.
liz_marcs From: liz_marcs Date: December 27th, 2005 03:11 am (UTC) (Link)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thanks. I soooo needed the laugh.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2005 05:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! Glad they amused you.
ayinhara From: ayinhara Date: December 27th, 2005 04:31 am (UTC) (Link)
My favorite is the duck segment.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2005 05:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
evilawyer From: evilawyer Date: December 27th, 2005 04:52 am (UTC) (Link)
Hee. But what's a bonobo, really?
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2005 05:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

Bonobos used to be known as Pygmy Chimpanzees until DNA analysis revealed that they are an entirely different species to Chimpanzees. Their social structure, unlike that of chimps which is based on dominance and aggression, is based on sex. They shag each other senseless so often that it's amazing that they have any time left for collecting fruit. Their habits, including the penis-fencing, are exactly as described in the drabble.
adriana_is From: adriana_is Date: December 27th, 2005 05:26 am (UTC) (Link)
So, in the hamster segment, is that Giles the friendly liberian speaking?

Loved them all!
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2005 05:50 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

"Is no rat. Is hamster." is a quote from a famous British TV show called "Fawlty Towers", starring John Cleese (from Monty Python) as the owner of a ghastly seaside hotel. His waiter was Manuel, a Spaniard from Barcelona, who was amazingly stupid and who, in the episode in question, was sold a rat by an unscrupulous pet-shop owner who told him that it was a Siberian hamster - much to the horror of the owner who didn't want a rat in his hotel!
talesofspike From: talesofspike Date: December 27th, 2005 06:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Heee! Looking forward to more when you can.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2005 06:57 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! More tonight - they're written already.

Thanks for the e-card!
desdemonaspace From: desdemonaspace Date: December 27th, 2005 11:32 am (UTC) (Link)
*spews coffee* The fertility of your imagination is a thing to make one tremble.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 27th, 2005 11:40 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

I just realised that I hadn't left feedback on The Long And Winding Road. I've rectified that ommission now.
hjcallipygian From: hjcallipygian Date: December 27th, 2005 01:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Heee! This is awesome. I remember the thread you got this bunny in. Glad to see that it came to fruition.
frimfram From: frimfram Date: December 27th, 2005 01:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
Heh! Goat definitely wins. Followed shortly by Cheetah. Very good.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 29th, 2005 10:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

My goat vs troll obsession is, of course, well documented.
jgracio From: jgracio Date: December 27th, 2005 03:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Funny and good. I like.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 29th, 2005 10:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
gillo From: gillo Date: December 27th, 2005 06:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
“Is no rat. Is hamster.”

Is Siberian hamster called Basil?

Lovely.


speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 29th, 2005 10:42 am (UTC) (Link)
Si, is Siberian hamster called Basil.

Because Franco had all the rats shot.
cbtreks From: cbtreks Date: December 27th, 2005 09:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is a fun series. Giles seeing no difference between bonobo behavior and normal 16-year-old human male behavior was particularly funny.
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 29th, 2005 10:42 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
liliaeth From: liliaeth Date: December 27th, 2005 09:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
For some reason I esp. love that last one
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 29th, 2005 10:43 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
(Deleted comment)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 29th, 2005 10:44 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
desoto_hia873 From: desoto_hia873 Date: December 28th, 2005 04:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
Inappropriate penetration - hee! Who knew teenagers were so much like bonobos? :-)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 29th, 2005 10:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, teenagers do share 95% of their DNA and 97% of their mp3s with bonobos.
anne_d From: anne_d Date: December 29th, 2005 04:34 am (UTC) (Link)
“Is no rat. Is hamster.”

Filigree Siberian hamster, I presume?

I can't wait for the next installment. *Wanders off snickering*
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 29th, 2005 10:47 am (UTC) (Link)
lilithn From: lilithn Date: December 29th, 2005 02:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
Heee, poor Xan. I think I loved the one with the duck best. And the elephant! :))))
Lilith runs off to read the other 2 parts
Oh, and post-wishing Merry Christmas! And pre-wishing Happy New Year! Dunno when I'll get to some internet connection next. :)
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 29th, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
And the elephant!

That's Elephant Seal.

Thank you!
julia_here From: julia_here Date: December 30th, 2005 01:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Finally, slowly, catching up with unread stuff; this is hilarious, although for some reason I most love the cheetah.

Julia, on to the next batch
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 30th, 2005 09:40 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
basilio_the_cat From: basilio_the_cat Date: December 30th, 2005 05:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
How in the world did you think of this? I love it :D
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 30th, 2005 09:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
quinara From: quinara Date: December 30th, 2005 09:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hee!! So glad I don't have to wait for the rest of these...
speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: December 30th, 2005 09:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
calove From: calove Date: January 2nd, 2006 12:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
HEEE!

Love these, although Xander penis-fencing is an image I could maybe live without...

*takes advantage of momentary lull in offspring hostilities to rush onto next set*

speakr2customrs From: speakr2customrs Date: January 3rd, 2006 11:10 am (UTC) (Link)
Love these, although Xander penis-fencing is an image I could maybe live without...

I take it that means that you're fine with the image of 16-year-old Giles penis-fencing?
57 comments or speak 2 me
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